AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

[TiceCream]

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

If your DH’s family can accommodate your dm what will you do with the dog? It’s really unfair to expect family to have your dog if they have cats

My dd has never seen her cousins on Xmas day and has got to adulthood without this being an issue. She’s coped very well with seeing them at some point between Xmas and NY.

It’s really unfair to expect family to have your dog if they have cats

What crap
I have a cat and a dog
You can leave a cat or 3 in a room together for a while, just close doors, food, water, litter tray
Bring them out when dog is taken for a walk or lock dog in a room and alternate who's out

I've left my cat for a week while we went on holiday, self sufficient
The dog, got babysat by the inlaws

Can you all meet in the middle somewhere in a lovely country house? We have done this and it was really good. Neutral territory, dog friendly, lots of space for everyone?

DH is being U.

If hosting expenses are an issue for OP she probably can’t afford a catered “country house” affair! Self catering at xmas is also expensive, and not fun IME!

Blimey your DH is being harsh. My brothers wife’s husband died a couple of years ago and we’ve included her (and her dog) in all our family celebrations since (birthdays, Easter, xmas, bbqs) and we barely knew her.

Your brother’s wife‘s husband isn’t that your brother?

I come from a very messy family. In this situation, your mother would very much have been invited by DH's family without question. They would surely want the same if situation was reversed. It will be different, but life takes twists and turns and people come and go for different reasons. But, it's also really a time of year for including people, etc. isn't it?

I come from a very messy family. In this situation, your mother would very much have been invited by DH's family without question.

This!

BIL's MIL was widowed a couple of years ago and it went without saying that she joined our family Christmas on the year they do. No-one reasonable would ever expect someone to leave their mother alone at Christmas

Your husband is so selfish.

Just tell the in-laws that things have changed, you aren't prepared to leave your DM home alone and aren't prepared to kennel your dog. Sadly, that means you cannot go to theirs for Christmas again because of the dog issue.

If MIL would accommodate the dog, maybe you could alternate years with her and stay at a cheap hotel or cottage if necessary (although as she is local you probably don't need to stay over.

Traditions have to change when circumstances change. It's a shame but it's just a fact of life.

I love my DM but find her behaviour challenging at times but, even so, would not let her be alone and lonely at Christmas.

Is your husband selfish in other ways too?

OP, you are not being unreasonable but your DH sure is.

You now have a child therefore you do not need to go to either parent for Christmas anymore - you are now the parents so you have Christmas in your home and you parents can visit you - that is called growing up and becoming an adult. Did your DH spend every Christmas Day in his grandparents house when he was a child? I doubt it, I have always found that these families who want their adult children to continue to come home for Christmas never, ever, spent Christmas away from their own home when their children were young.

Just focus on this year for now, tell your DH that you are having Christmas at home with your DC and mother and him and that his family are welcome to come and stay if it suits them. Honestly, your BIL and family should stay home and there should be a new tradition of your MIL going to your house and to BIL every second year if she is insisting on spending Christmas with her sons.

I had to put my foot down about this (didn't do it soon enough but to be fair, my DH always loved my mum and dad coming to us and he always supported us going to them to, and in turn I supported us going to his parents). But there comes a time when your family (you and your DH and your DC) need to come first and stay in your own home. DH is really looking forward to having no one bar us and DC this Christmas (first time ever) and we will all get to lounge about and eat as and when we want. And create our own traditions which we have done with our own DC for the past few years at Christmas.

Good luck and enjoy.

OP, your horrible husband is showing you exactly who he is.

He clearly cares for no-one but himself.

Your poor mother for the past 10 years, as you, her only child have gone to your in-laws.

Your mother has been very accommodating.

For years without having children, you left her to be with his family.

I really hope you won't regret this decision when she's gone.

Your husband doesn't care if your mother is on her own. She is merely a dog sitter to him.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think you should be ashamed of yourself allowing your husband to think your mother is so unimportant.

No doubt this isn't the only area in his life that he is a horrible selfish, self absorbed twat.

I certainly wouldn't be placing blind trust in my future with someone so selfish.

Have a good hard think about how you proceed.

This is dreadful. I think (know!) that my mum is the most wonderful woman in the world, and there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for her family. If she found herself in this position and my DH took this cold hearted, dismissive and nasty attitude towards her then he would be my EXDH before the following Christmas inconvenienced him.

OP whilst I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you stand a much better chance of winning if you just tackle the situation THIS year rather than announcing that you’re changing plans forever.

Just get this year sorted for now.

Imo they are being ridiculous about the dog. We’ve offered to stay in a dog friendly B&B and just go over for dinner but they refuse to fasten the cats out of the living room for a few hours while we’re there. Of course we never see the cats for the duration of our visit because they’re either out prowling or in their beds in the utility room. BIL has admitted they sometimes don’t see the cats for days at a time. But his wife disagrees with the principle of closing the utility room door so they can’t come in. What if the poor cats came home and could smell a dog had been in their house! That would be too traumatic.

As posters have said, the situation has changed from previous years. We have our own DC and so does BIL. DM no longer has her friend to visit. It’s time we stayed at home. DH and his family are all off work from Christmas Eve to New Year so it’s not like we can’t meet up for a meal on a different day.

DM has given us £300 each for Christmas. I’ve handed DH’s money back because he doesn’t deserve it with his attitude.

What an absolute prick.

Your kids should get to experience Christmas in their own homes, not dragged to his family Christmas Eve to Boxing Day every year.

He’s had his fun. 40 years of it! It needs to be about you and the kids now.

Prepare though for his family to kick off I’m afraid.

“ I don't mean to be harsh but I think you should be ashamed of yourself allowing your husband to think your mother is so unimportant. ”

Yes, you do mean to be harsh. And judgemental. And horrible. Because you just couldn’t help it.

Have a think.

Does giving the £300 your mum gave to DH mean that she knows what an arse he is?

I told her how DH was behaving when I handed the money back. And as I expected she’s just said “oh don’t worry about me, go and have a lovely family Christmas in a busy house and DC can play with cousins, give DH his money he’s like a son to me, don’t upset him”. As I knew she would. It doesn’t help that MIL has been rotten to her in the past so she’s refusing to come to BILs even if they say she can.

OP you sound really aggressive not only towards your DH but his whole family, I'm getting the impression you don't like any of them very much.
I think expecting flex to accommodate your dm is completely reasonable, your dog not so much.
It is the cats home and if they aren't used to your dog that could be very stressful for them.

@dreichwinter it’s unfortunate that whenever a woman stands up for herself she’s dismissed as ‘aggressive’.

Can you give examples of how OP sounds aggressive?

Possibly. But I can’t see DH agreeing to that at an expensive time of year when he’d have to drive to the B&B at bedtime so therefore couldn’t drink on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

So his priority isn’t the kids or a family Christmas, and it certainly isn’t the spirit of Christmas and including everyone. His priority is being able to drink. Good to know.

That said, I can’t believe you told your mum that DH didn’t want to have her over at Christmas! That’s a nuclear approach to disagreement. She’s going to feel she’s been invited against his wishes now! Why do that?

I think one year is fine but I don't think it's fair that he can't ever go there again for Xmas.

Can't he just ask BIL if your mum can come and offer a bit of money for her share?

This year, it is reasonable for you to stay at home with your DM as part of a new set of arrangements, given circumstances have now changed.

Its unreasonable to expect to have every single Christmas at home, when DH wants to go to his family. The 3 way rota (1 at home with DM,1 at home with everyone, 1 visiting DH's family) is a good compromise.