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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

181 replies

TiceCream · 03/11/2019 00:34

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 03/11/2019 07:49

Wow, your DH is being incredibly nasty to your DM. Your DM is family to his family, that’s what happens when you get married. She should be invited whenever you spend Christmas with his family and you can stay at a hotel/B&B/Airbnb.

Also, I think it’s very unfair that you are spending two Christmasses with his family for every one you spend with yours. You should alternate, one at your house with everyone invited, one at his family’s house with everyone invited. If his family want to split their turn between DMil and DBro that’s their choice, but they don’t get two turns.

EleanorReally · 03/11/2019 07:50

perhaps the AirBNB will be walking distance from the family? thus he can drink and walk

Scuzzymummy · 03/11/2019 07:58

We have a similar situation with separated parents. We do year 1 home with my DM and PIL, year 2 DDad and DM has a Christmas on her own which she is absolutely fine with . Could you not do year 1 home, year 2 MIL or BIL whoever's turn it is, year 3 home. This will mean you do a couple on the trot at home but they won't always be with everyone

Raindancer411 · 03/11/2019 08:05

Out of interest, how old are the DC's? My parents would never take us away from home so we could spend the day playing with our new toys. I am sure the kids would be fine at home.

Butterymuffin · 03/11/2019 08:09

He's being selfish and unkind. Easiest solution would be to take your mum (who has frankly had the shitty end of the stick all along) to BIL's. It really can't be that hard, it's for one night. I would pressure him to sort that or else you're not going.

GooseberryJam · 03/11/2019 08:14

I have said since my mum died that my dad would always be with us on Christmas Day since otherwise he'd be alone. DH accepts this as he is a decent person.

Sewrainbow · 03/11/2019 08:16

Your dh is EXTREMELY selfish, given what he has said about can't she go to x y or z.

Time for a change in traditions I think...

Elodie2019 · 03/11/2019 08:20

Premier inns are usually really cheap Xmas eve and Xmas day nights.
Have a look. Sounds like you're all squished in whether your DM comes or not. Time for a change.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 03/11/2019 08:21

I woukd seriously reconsider my relationship wuth a man so selfish

he is probably selfish in other areas too? a "looking out for number one" type of person, am I right?

BillywilliamV · 03/11/2019 08:24

After 10 years of Groundhog Day Christmas at SIL’s we finally stayed at home last year. They haven’t asked us this year, so liberating!

Elodie2019 · 03/11/2019 08:25

Manchester for example...

AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?
RosemarysBroomstick · 03/11/2019 08:26

Your mums sounds lovely, the way she cooks a meal for you all when you get back from your long journey to visit his family. My mum would never do something like that.
There must be a way you can take her with you? I know it’s expensive but could you afford to stay with her in a hotel somewhere? You and her get train/coach/taxi Christmas Eve, stay somewhere and meet at mils Christmas Day?

Gustavo1 · 03/11/2019 08:26

Another one in agreement that your husband is being horribly selfish. I think your mistake is adding “from now on”. Anything can happen from Christmas to Christmas and as relatives get older, things change. His mother could become ill and unable to host next year, his brother and wife could separate, someone’s car could be off road Etc etc. All I mean is, there has now been an issue which means plans have to change, this year primarily with other years played by ear.
The bottom line is “DH, my mother is old, bereaved and has always been flexible. I am simply not willing to leave her alone and not willing to be separated from the children just to do what has always been done. I am celebrating Christmas here. It will be magical and wonderful without cousins etc. We can join any extended family on Boxing Day. Please be here, with us.”
If he cannot see that things have changed and cannot offer any degree of flexibility, to be honest, it would change how I see him entirely!

TidyDancer · 03/11/2019 08:27

There's no negotiation to be had here imo. DH has had it his own way for 10 years. He either figures out a way for your DM to accompany you on your Christmas trip or you stay home with her. If he wants to fuck off to his family anyway then that's fine (he would be a twat, but fine) but he doesn't get to make that decision for the DCs or for you.

I'll also echo what others have said, this is such a selfish dick move on his part that I would be reconsidering the relationship as a whole.

HelloDulling · 03/11/2019 08:40

This is AWFUL!

For your entire relationship, every Christmas has been spent with his family, with your mum only getting a look in once every 3 years. That’s crap enough. What sort of child is he that he can’t have a year when he drives to his mum/brother on Boxing Day morning instead, for cold turkey buffet etc? He is pathetic, selfish and heartless.

ForalltheSaints · 03/11/2019 08:40

After 10 years, one Christmas being different seems a reasonable thing and then perhaps some time in the next week at BIL, so having two Christmas celebrations.

yearinyearout · 03/11/2019 08:42

Your DH is being very unfair indeed. I can't believe at his age he's getting that worked up about having Christmas with his extended family, they all have each other and his priority should be you and your dc.
In your shoes, I would say "I'm spending Christmas here with my DM and the DC, you please yourself where you go!" And leave him to make his own decision. You can't leave your dm alone.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/11/2019 08:49

He's a selfish, whiny twat. He can piss off to BIL's by himself on Christmas. Why does he think his feelings trump everyone else's? You've spent a decade of Christmasses doing what he wants to do and now he's being completely unfair.

Wibblemonster · 03/11/2019 08:51

Your DH is BU. I'm in a similar situation with my mum as she is alone and I've never had an Xmas with my dad.

My mum comes to us when we host/or she hosts, and we go to his parents (also 3.5 hours away) the next time. We also have to add into the mix that I work shifts so sometimes our Christmas is not actually on the 25th. On the years I go to my in laws my mum goes to my grandparents who go away, so she goes away with them and we have a second Christmas at another date.

HeronLanyon · 03/11/2019 08:52

Your dh is being hugely unreasonable and selfish.

SleepyKat · 03/11/2019 08:53

Your poor mum. I bet she would love to see her grandkids at Xmas.....even in the past when she had a friend to go to thats still not the same as being with family. You certainly can’t leave her on her own. Your dh is being awful.

LannisterLion1 · 03/11/2019 09:00

Selfish prick. I'd be inclined to text the hosts and thank them for the invite but make it clear your family is at home this year. Then he goes alone or stays.

Is he normally such a prick?

fedup21 · 03/11/2019 09:03

Your husband is being awful

Hahaha88 · 03/11/2019 09:06

I honestly think that you're both in the wrong in differing levels. Firstly your husband has been very cold and selfish in saying that others should host your mother, vague relatives or making up with someone just so she can go there, so that he can have Christmas how he wants. That's vile. I'd be so hurt if I was your mother and he was trying to ditch me on anyone and everyone else.
However, you're being unfair in saying your husband and children cannot go to his family for Christmas anymore. And you're trying to support that by saying you've done it with his family for ten years but actually you've done 1 in 3 with your mother.
I feel the best way going forward (if your mother going to his family is really not a possibility) is to say one year you'll go to your in laws Xmas Eve and come home Xmas day. And the next you'll go on Xmas day night and back on boxing Day. Yes it means your mother spending Christmas day on her own every other year but really it's just a day, and she can have her Christmas day on the boxing day. It's a situation a lot of people do due to family separation/shift work etc. And I think your husband is right that it's nice for your DC to spend it with their cousins. And his family deserve to see you all over Christmas too

Morgan12 · 03/11/2019 09:06

Wow.

I can't believe he can't see how selfish he is being.

Hope you get it sorted.

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