To wonder if other single women have this problem?

[SapphireSeptember]

Or is it just me? Every time I say I'm going anywhere (gigs, on holiday, to LARP events, even shopping in the nearest big city) I have people say 'maybe you'll find a man!' I don't want a man, I'm perfectly happy on my own. I find it extra annoying when I'm going somewhere with a friend. Cos I'm totally going to ditch my friend for some random guy, aren't I? (The answer to that is a big fat 'hell no!')

Please tell me I'm not alone? I've been single for just over a year (after a 12 year relationship) and the idea of getting into another relationship fills me with dread.

I'd like to meet someone but I have the opposite. I think people assume I'm not interested in meeting someone and have a lovely single life so they don't really say anything along these lines.

I don't think people actually mean it. I think it's just conversational small talk without thought.

Many years ago my SIL asked me two days in a row if I'd met anyone. I was like ' i haven't even been out of the house'

Op, sorry for hijacking your thread, but @Dustybun that's a horrible thing to say about yourself... please be kinder to yourself, I am sure you are not ugly!

Yes but it seems to have reduced a lot with time

That and I don’t mix with many people - my close ones know there’s no way I’d be in a relationship

I was put off a local sports thing, went to try it out and the woman running it said “I notice you’re not wearing a wedding ring, you might meet the man of your dreams here”. I’d only just met her but didn’t stop myself from giving a big sigh and rolling my eyes.

It’s as if “single by choice” doesn’t exist for some people.

My work colleagues do this to me all the time plus constantly asking if I have set up an online dating profile to meet someone yet. There's one who always says things like 'imagine you got married heidbuttsupper' in such a patronising tone. What they don't actually know is that I have been married and widowed!

heid you just reminded me, one contract job I did for a year, I just said I had a partner.

I've been single since I became pregnant with Dd over a decade ago. I love being on my own, I've worked really hard in that time, completed a degree, learnt to drive, own my own flat outright, able to support myself financially etc, received promotions at work. I went on a work night out and happened to sit next to two woman I don't know very well and they spent 2 hours telling me why I should find a man, how I should try Old as it had worked for her and how I haven't found the right guy yet and how it would make my life better and more complete etc etc. It really pisses me off.

Yes, totally this. A few weeks back I was told that all I needed was a man to ‘come in and sweep me off my feet’

Given that’s what my abusive ex did, any guy who did that would be kicked immediately to the kerb!

I used to manage a lady who constantly referred to how single I am. Any story I told about my life she would laugh and say you need a man.

I hated her with a passion.

Many years ago, I was going to a Tony Benn tour, organised in conjunction with my church, with my dad. I cannot tell you how many people told me I'd definitely bag a decent fella there - either politically or religiously. Which was confusing to both dad & I as we thought they all knew about DH 🤣

I get that and told at the same time in too independent and “strong” to find one.

Or “the right one will come along” “you travel so much with work you must meet some men”.

Or my favourite “you’re going to a festival ALONE oh my god be careful, haven’t you got a Male friend/relative you can take??” Erm yes but I don’t want to maybe?

So that’s nice!

@Brass. “ I get that and told at the same time in too independent and “strong” to find one”

Tell them they’re too weak to manage without one 😂

It comes, IMO, from the notion that a woman is not complete unless there is a man in her life.
Its outdated and a bit cringe.

I don't get that so much (need to lose a little weight so ppl probably assume there's no point saying that atm ) but I do get the odd "meet anyone nice?" enquiries and get quizzed about "prospects" if I mention male friends.

I'm currently trying to buy a flat. I'm about 90% of the way through and I'm buying it off someone who moved in & didn't do too much as her relationship took off & she moved in with her DP not too long after. Someone's suggested that it might be a "lucky" flat for me!

It's cultural. Both men and women are indoctrinated to believe that without a man and children women are barren husks of true women. It seeps through everywhere. It's one of the reasons that so many women are in shit relationships - they would rather be with a man than be alone including putting up with his infidelities, laziness, rudeness and so on all justified on the basis that he is 'great with the kids'.

The only people who really get that life can be truly great without a man are single women who are happy they are single. Plenty of women who are single pretend to be happy but deep down are crippled with 'what's wrong with me why does no one love me where can I get a man' anxiety.

You're braver than I going to LARP single. I had to quit going because of the hostile pursuit and harassment by other players.

YANBU, enjoy your independence. I love my husband but I did love the compromise free days too!

Added to that I LTB and have been perfectly happy since! I chose to be single, it wasn't foisted upon me.

I haven't been to a festival alone but I have been to several gigs by myself. I might try that next.

Yeah I used to get it a lot when I was younger. Not so much now I'm ancient at 47 and invisible. What I do get now though is "ooooh aren't you BRAVE!!" whenever I say I'm going somewhere alone, especially if it's outside a 20 mile radius of home.

Yup. I've been single for 5 years and heard everything.

'Awwww, don't worry love, it's not too late, there's still a chance for you to meet someone' (for the record, I'm 31).
'She's beautiful, but doesn't have a man. There must be something seriously wrong with her'
'Well, maybe he's a nice guy, after all? Age is but a number and there are many fit older guys young in spirit' (my mum about me and my landlord who is in his 60s, at least 5 years older than her)
'It must be tough, but don't worry, you'll meet someone eventually' (when I randomly mentioned I've been out with my mate and her boyfriend)
'Maybe you're into girls?' (when told that I'm single for 5 years and not looking for a man)
Etc, etc, etc.

The funny thing is, in my case it's usually older women, who are themselves in unhappy longterm relationships, saying all the above. Mum and aunties, for example. All with drinking, cheating, abusive, shit husbands for umpteen years. Preaching about the eternal love, romance and how good it is 'to share your life with someone'.

Dont worry, it’ll stop when you reach 40.

I agree that it’s due to societal norms and pressure. Single women make people very uneasy.

Whenever people find out I’m single they say “but why? You’re so nice!” As if my single status is due to others rejecting me rather than me rejecting them (or preferring to be without a man).

Go on holiday alone as a single woman and completely blow everyone’s mind.

This is not my own experience but my very good friend who is a single mum, has had from 2 members of my extended family years apart, comments about how she will find a good bloke soon, and slightly OTT questions about the kids dads, as if they can suss out whose 'fault' it is the relationship broke up and therefore whether she deserves a man. One of them identifies as a feminist!

I'm building up to the holiday alone! Super excited to live alone so not really in a rush to couple up immediately either.

I agree that it’s due to societal norms and pressure. Single women make people very uneasy.

Actually that's very interesting about making people uneasy. I think you've put your finger on it! Why is it that single women (for these purposes I mean older women who appear to be permanently single, happy about it and are not looking for a man) make people (men and women) very uneasy?

It reminds me of a scene in the TV show Scandal where the main character is trying to organise a political campaign for a good looking single guy who has no public history of any kind of relationship. She thinks he is gay and hiding it. Basically she says to him, you need to give me something to work with here because look at you, you are handsome, wealthy, successful, charming there is no reason for you to be so single.

Then she says something like People feel uncomfortable with anything they don't understand.

(The guy was having an affair with his brother's wife, was in love with her and had been for years which was the explanation)

It stuck in my mind though because I thought it applies to women who are attractive, successful, life sorted who are single, want to stay single and seem to be happy. Maybe its people don't understand why a woman can be like this without a man.