To wonder if other single women have this problem?

[SapphireSeptember]

Or is it just me? Every time I say I'm going anywhere (gigs, on holiday, to LARP events, even shopping in the nearest big city) I have people say 'maybe you'll find a man!' I don't want a man, I'm perfectly happy on my own. I find it extra annoying when I'm going somewhere with a friend. Cos I'm totally going to ditch my friend for some random guy, aren't I? (The answer to that is a big fat 'hell no!')

Please tell me I'm not alone? I've been single for just over a year (after a 12 year relationship) and the idea of getting into another relationship fills me with dread.

@IcedPurple

You are coming across now as massively defensive now, and rather bitter, with your snide underhand digs like 'smug married' and 'when she has finished cooking dinner for her husband.' We have just come from a meal out with 3 other couples for one of the wedding anniversaries for one of them, but thanks for your concern about me being a domestic servant and waiting on my husband.

NOW who is making judgements and assumptions? Accusing me of labelling all single 'never-married' women of being sad and lonely husks, (which I didn't do!) then slagging off married women and labelling them as 'domestic slaves' with bone idle stinky husbands who they wait on hand and foot.

Yes, I DO do the cooking most of the time...so what?? DH does the gardening and DIY and the ironing and food shopping, and I do other household tasks. That's what couples do. Share. I love being in a couple, and I love being married; there is no need to throw shade over me. Blowing out someone's candle, doesn't make yours shine brighter........

I have clearly wounded you and hit a raw nerve, and I am so sorry for that. I didn't mean any offence, so there's really no need to lash out at me in anger, with scathing and bitter comments.

I was merely posting my own opinions, that the women I know who are single - and especially the ones who have never married or had kids - are lonely, and are dreading their 'pension years' alone. I'm not making it up FGS. As @misspiggy19 said, I have yet to meet a woman in real life who is single by choice. (Yet there are LOADS on mumsnet!)

On mumsnet, there's a parallel universe of single women who are more than happy alone, and who seem to be fiercely independent, on 6 figure salaries, and feisty, with this 'I am woman hear me ROAR' thing going on, and say 'I don't need to man to validate me!'

They seem to insist (on HERE,) that married women are domestic servants and all have a life of drudgery, with lazy cockwombles for men, who they wait on hand and foot.

In reality, many marriages are not like this, and many couples chip in 50-50, and many single women are NOT on shit loads of money, they struggle financially, they come home to an empty home every night, and can barely make ends meet. This Bridget Jones type character or the Kate Winslet character Iris (in The Holiday,) who are upwardly mobile singletons, living a London life, with a great salary, and a fab life, is the exception rather than the rule.

Most single woman do not have this life, and struggle financially, and are lonely. OR they still live with parents.

So you are attacking me, when all I have done is said the single women I know are not happy, and I am much happier in a couple,

I also said I know what it's like to be got at for being single, because I was until I was 26. As a single woman myself in my mid 20s, I was lonely and craved companionship too, and yes, I wanted to be in a relationship with a man. I didn't want to be alone all my life. And most people feel the same, whether you like it or not...

I shall now leave this thread as I am clearly upsetting a few people and hitting some raw nerves. The sarcastic, demeaning comments a few people have made are making THAT clear.

Hiding the thread now. I wish you all well.

I had a great marriage to a man I’m still friends with who is a great father.

I am still happier single.

So much spousesplaining going on, on this thread.

I mean, it’s a thread about women who are happy single. Is it a shock that it attracts women who are happy single in greater numbers? I’d examine my critical thinking skills if I couldn’t work out why that was happening.

Stop press. Single women in other places than London shocker

Women might not become single by choice (I didn't) but should they choose to remain single then this is the point they are either pitied or feared.

Yy to 'spousesplaining' (I'm so having that ) the use of the term 'bitter' is often directed at us too, so thanks for that entry on the singleton bingo card earlymorningfog

I'm genuinely at my happiest at this point in my life, despite approaching 50, being single and not earning a huge amount of money and, having checked, I do exist in real life as well as on MN!

You know a small proportion of the general single population though earlymorningfog. Just because they are lonely and lacking doesn't mean we all are. Same for married people. Some of them are very happy and feel supported where as others are very lonely and unhappy.
Not everything is as black and white as you suggest. I think that's what is getting people's backs up.

I will admit I do feel lonely at times

It’s fleeting moments like when I have to sort the plumber out or struggling with paying bills it’s practical issues that will make me feel alone at times as the pressure can feel heavy it’s not emotional or physical (that’s all so easy to get now)

I have been lonely in a relationship- that feeling for me was far worse as I felt trapped and rejected

Accusing me of labelling all single 'never-married' women of being sad and lonely husks

But that’s exactly what you did earlymorningfog. Its very bizarre to assume someone is only socialising 3-4 times a week because they’re DESPERATE and LONELY rather than that they simply enjoy their hobbies and seeing friends? Personally I think it’s a bit odd to only socialise once a month but I wouldn’t have even mentioned that had you not come on here being incredibly patronising.

The way you feel now being attacked as a ‘smug married’ is the same as what you’re saying about single women! Yes, some will be lonely and unhappy and wanting a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they ALL are. Financially solvent, independent women with fulfilling jobs and enjoyable lives also exist outside of London 😂. I think it’s pretty sad that you seem to think financial stability can only come through being with a man. Literally nobody here begrudges you your happy marriage! That is genuinely great that you’re still so content in it after such a long time, and I’m not being sarcastic, it really is. But you only need to read the relationships board to see many women in unhappy and abusive relationships, so just because you and other married women may be very happy, it doesn’t mean all relationships are. Just as, while some single women may be unhappy, it doesn’t mean they all are! Not sure why that seems to be beyond your comprehension!

@earlymorningfog I am mid 40s, one DC and very happily single. Work, studies and social life keeps me busy and I also enjoy a lot of free time. I am also very successful in my career and financially stable.

I appreciate you may not have met women like this in your own social circle but why is it so hard to believe we exists? I have been in relationships and I genuinely enjoy being single. That may change in the future but right now I'm complete just being me thank you.

I found the pseudo pity in your post a tad offensive and fyi, I'm a scientist and even if a single woman had completed a study on the happiness of single women, there is no way any form of bias should find its way into a scientific paper (which is usually made up of several authors). HTH

Oh heavens. I am single and financially secure. I have a good career with a salary which provides a very nice life style.

I have many fiends in a similar position. We own our homes, drive nice cars, have cleaners and go on nice holidays,

Yes being single sometimes sucks, but I just haven’t met that person.

I am not crying in my tea in a bed sit or still living in my child hood bedroom. What a ridiculous stereotype!! No prosy assume this os single men

Nobody assume this of single men.

Sorry, was angry typing😊

Blowing out someone's candle, doesn't make yours shine brighter........

@earlymorningfog ROFL. I think that is exactly what you have been trying to do. Pot, kettle, black.

Most women who are single are single by choice either directly (really not interested and not looking) or indirectly (would be interested in theory but only if the right person).

Men want sex and the benefit of a partner with regular sex. If you are prepared to accept anyone, it is very very easy to get a partner. Really easy. Just as it is very easy to get sex. OLD is full of single arseholes that would bite the hand off of a woman a couple of levels up the food chain.

Tradesmen charge less to male-inhabited households, dick you around less and are more likely to bloody well show up?

Thankyou for mentioning this! I'm happily single until I need to find a tradesmen. That's the only time I wish I had a man around. I've lost count of how often I've been given a ridiculously priced quote - had to renegotiate/ spend time shopping around etc. I now pretend I'm married and that my husband works away, completely pissed off about it.

Agree with SGB:

" I think some of the unease is that people know (at least subconsciously) that the world runs on the unpaid labour of women, performed for the benefit of men. So the happily single woman is dangerous because she gives other women Ideas ie that they, too, could decide they are fed up of servicing a man and walk out on their owners.."

Apart from the "owners" bit

@earlymorningfog

You are coming across now as massively defensive now, and rather bitter, with your snide underhand digs like 'smug married' and 'when she has finished cooking dinner for her husband.'

Says the person who's been saying that all her 'older' single friends are 'desperately lonely' and insinuating that single women are all in denial of the fact that deep down we're madly jealous of your fabulous husband.

I have clearly wounded you and hit a raw nerve, and I am so sorry for that.

This? Again? I already said your words have no power to 'wound' or to 'hit a nerve' (again implying that I'm crying inside because I don't have your dull, sorry, amazing lifestyle).

And as @GuyForks said, getting coupled up is hardly some amazing achievement. Most people, most of them quite mediocre, manage it. Men are shockingly easy to find, if your standards aren't sky-high. I too could be a smug married if I wanted to. But I don't.

I have been married twice and widowed at 64, I am now 68, so you would think I was safe from such comments, I am happy, solvent and sociable, why would I risk my contentment for the company of some dodgy old man, who will likely need a carer in the near future?
I recently read an article which implies that wearing crocs was a sign of someone who had renounced all possibility of a sexual relationship, so I went and bought some

Although I am now very happily married, I have spent more of my adult life single than married. I used to hate the 'are you seeing anybody?' questions. They happened so often and I was met with thinly disguised pity when I replied 'no'.

In my mid-30s, I had a friend of my parents listing my (many, many!) good qualities and then asking 'so why are you so single?' as if I must have some flaw that makes me unmarriable. Of course I responded 'I've never met anybody I wanted to marry' but I'm pretty sure that wasn't good enough.

Even my own sister, when I moved in with my now DH, told me how pleased she was and how sorry she used to feel for me, living in my own for all those years. It did make me wonder how many other people saw me as a sad sack. The fact that I had a good job, owned my own home, went on great holidays and volunteered for years meant nothing to them? There were moments of loneliness at weekends but I bloody loved going home to an empty house every night!

I have to admit, I am happier married than I was single, but that's only because I chose my DH well! I would still far rather be single than be in a mediocre marriage.

I get comments on my lack of boyfriend / husband all the time. These days I simply state the truth, which is that I'm single by choice and I close the conversation down. I used to feel that I had to endlessly list all the reasons why I love my life as it is (and I do, my seven single years have been hands down my happiest, after twenty years of an actually fairly ok marriage). I have friends who are in great relationships / marriages to brilliant men and women and some who aren't but I have never once felt the need to ask "when do you think you're going to try being single, then?" It's the same thing as asking me when I'm going to be in a relationship again! It has also got worse as I've got older, recent gems have included "at least you got to have a child" and "you need to meet someone while you're still attractive and have time" (I'm 46). It's very boring.

The fact that I had a good job, owned my own home, went on great holidays and volunteered for years meant nothing to them?

Of course not. You're only a success as a woman if you get married/have a family.

JacquesHammer fortunately, I eventually conformed, so I was a sad sack no more! Although I then did start getting the coffee during pregnancy/WOHM/SAHM judgements, so for a woman, it never really stops 🤷‍♀️.

Tomhardy I used to do the same. List off what was so great about my life. What I've realised is that some people will just not believe you are happy as a single woman. They think you are just pretending and putting on a brave face. I find that infuriating.

me until I had a child on my own from an anonymous sperm donor. I still get asked if I am dating though.

I meant to add that my brother is a year younger than I am, single with no children and he never gets asked these questions. His single status is seen as a life choice and is positively celebrated. Usually by the same people who recommended OLD sites to me 🤔.

What on earth is wrong with going out two or three times a week? I've never understood this attitude some people have, that there is some sort of moral superiority in sitting in front of your television every night.

I am one of those 'older' single women - I have never married or lived with a partner, which makes me feel quite lucky more than anything else. I have a teenage DS and I am on friendly terms with his dad, so I have always had some opportunities to go out in the evening.
Since DS was born, I have had some spells of feeling a bit lonely, as the majority of my longterm friends were (and still are) childfree, but I have another social circle where there are more parents and young kids, which helped.

I mean, I don't have a fabulous job (I work in a supermarket) or a nice house (I live in a house-share) or a fancy car (I don't drive.) But I find my life preferable to living with my ex who bled me dry emotionally and financially and left me feeling unbearably lonely because he'd rather spend his time with another woman (but they were just friends of course.) We were married and even that didn't stop him from being an arse (but It's all my fault, of course.) I now no longer have to deal with his bullshit drama (oh the drama!) and wonder how my life is so nice and straightforward compared to his. Pinning him down to discuss divorce proceedings has proved tricky, but I can do that myself too.