To wonder if other single women have this problem?

[SapphireSeptember]

Or is it just me? Every time I say I'm going anywhere (gigs, on holiday, to LARP events, even shopping in the nearest big city) I have people say 'maybe you'll find a man!' I don't want a man, I'm perfectly happy on my own. I find it extra annoying when I'm going somewhere with a friend. Cos I'm totally going to ditch my friend for some random guy, aren't I? (The answer to that is a big fat 'hell no!')

Please tell me I'm not alone? I've been single for just over a year (after a 12 year relationship) and the idea of getting into another relationship fills me with dread.

Part of the uneasiness is the awareness that so many men are utter sleazes who.are only as faithful as their options and single women represent cheating and abandonment risks (that attached women do not represent to anywhere near the same extent, they are presumed to be invested in their partnerships).

*(represent cheating & abandonment risks for attached women)

Next time this happens, politely let them know that study after study has shown that the happiest demographics are married men and.... single women. They can put that in their pipes and smoke it.

Part of the uneasiness is the awareness that so many men are utter sleazes who.are only as faithful as their options and single women represent cheating and abandonment risks

I agree this is part of the problem. It's one of the reasons why couples usually only socialise with other couples and older single women tend to get ostracised socially. There are plenty of women who openly or even subconciously without any self awareness do see a single woman as a threat to the safety of her relationship.

This isn't the only issue though.

There is a much bigger problem because there is obviously more to it that that. Older men don't feel comfortable with it either. It's like they can't accept that a succesful, financially independent woman would choose a single life. I work with a man like this in his 60s whose first assumption is that a woman like that is a lesbian! Not joking.

There is something else there that causes discomfort. Maybe its fear that they think its too independent and too powerful and can't understand it.

“ There are plenty of women who openly or even subconciously without any self awareness do see a single woman as a threat to the safety of her relationship.”

This always baffled me because it’s like they don’t get

a) I mean it when I say I’m single by choice

b) I don’t even want to meet the partner!

People are obsessed with relationships and many feel you simply can't be happy without a partner.
I am ugly and have no chance of meeting anyone. Yet I too am sick of people going on at me about matchmaking and the rest of it, like I am some form of charity case. People should just let others be, we don't all want the same thing in life and don't need to feel 'complete ' with the help of another person.

@AutumnRose1

I know! What makes these women think you're overflowing with lust for their balding husband who works as a middle manager in a firm which manufactures paper clips?

@IceAndASlice123 yes, people are obsessed. Is it the online dating? A friend of my late father told him she thought it was easier for their generation to be single, because apparently it wasn’t automatically assumed you were a weirdo back then? She actually said “your daughter must get lots of annoying comments” which prompted him to ask me.

@IcedPurple

Well, I don’t think of it that way but it does show they don’t believe in single by choice. Also, I’ve learned to be suspicious of women who want me to socialise with their partner because it usually means they don’t have independent friendships and that doesn’t work for me. Sometimes it’s as if their partner has to “approve” their friends. And a whole range of stuff I won’t go into here.

I used to get it all the time, It was like people thought I had men dropping at my feet everywhere I went. (I definitely didn't)

I don't get it so much now (being over 50 seems to have made all the heteronormative dimwits think I'm either invisible or missed the boat.)
But it used to annoy me when I was young. I actually remember getting thoroughly cross with my (then) boyfriend when he said 'I can't believe no one had snapped you up before I met you.' I spent the rest of the evening explaining at tedious length how annoyed I was at the assumption that I was some kind of package waiting to be collected...

I think some of the unease is that people know (at least subconsciously) that the world runs on the unpaid labour of women, performed for the benefit of men. So the happily single woman is dangerous because she gives other women Ideas ie that they, too, could decide they are fed up of servicing a man and walk out on their owners...

Society has always told us we are not complete without a partner. That we are secretly pretending to be happy but really, desperate for a relationship.
I know people who simply can't cope without having a partner. I would hate that, to feel so dependent on someone else and feel I was only complete because of another person.

@ReanimatedSGB

Exactly. As I mentioned above, pretty much all the research shows that single women are happier than married women, whereas the reverse is true for men. Yet marriage is 'sold' to women as the ultimate aim in life (along with becoming a mother of course) and men are told they're going to be 'tied down'. Yet it's men, not women, who benefit from this arrangement. No wonder they don't want the word to get out!

“ So the happily single woman is dangerous because she gives other women Ideas ie that they, too, could decide they are fed up of servicing a man and walk out on their owners...”

Sadly, I think this too. There’s a lot of people living in age that should be long gone by now.

A friend of my late father told him she thought it was easier for their generation to be single, because apparently it wasn’t automatically assumed you were a weirdo back then?

Well that's just rubbish isn't it. Single women were spoken of in terms of language of spinsters, on the shelf and so on. There are also many books/films/plays from eras past like The Children's Hour totally predicated on the assumption that unmarried women must be dangerous lesbians or even Elizabeth Bennet or Bridget Jones a bit sad and left on the shelf.

So the happily single woman is dangerous because she gives other women Ideas ie that they, too, could decide they are fed up of servicing a man and walk out on their owners...

Actually its true though isn't it. If all women saw the light, had their own economic independence, a job they loved, a comfortable lifestyle they were happy with many would never marry or have children at all.

The more happily single women the odds are that the fewer children there would be. I know single women do have children but many happily single women dont want children or the hard work and life compromises that brings.

Happy single women are dangerous. We are dangerous ladies! We are going to end society.

Whilst I'm not officially 'single' (engaged to my partner) I absolutely find it raaaahhh that people assume I'm looking for a man - errr nope. Happily single, would happily be a couple if I moved abroad.

What I do find weird is the number of women who can't seem to cope unless with a bloke

I clicked on this knowing exactly what OP was going to say....
God it IS annoying when people assume you're just some sad thing waiting for a man.

I also hate that one of my friends asks repeatedly if I've heard from an ex.
Oh, and i was chatting to a man at a festival and she said several times that he was just like my ex so clearly I was sniffing around. On account of being pathetic.
Grr!

“Well that's just rubbish isn't it”

I don’t know, is it? I can see that if she wasn’t living in a world inundated with talk of dating, it might just have been more acceptable. Plus it was a relatively new freedom for women, having careers etc.

She’s in her 80s now. I also wonder if she experienced less hassle because popular culture wasn’t in your face everywhere in the years she’s referring to?

Yes! Being on antidepressants since childhood either stopped my libido before it could form or lowered it to near zero. I'm also ambitious with plans to move overseas in some 3 years, plus I'm happy now, so why look for a man? I don't want one slowing me down.

Thankfully I have a family who understands, but my relatives are old fashioned. You know, the ones who said "you'll be forever busy keeping men off this one" to DF.

Having said all that, I do want children (my heart does, my brain says don't be so fucking stupid!) so a partner would be nice to share finances and responsibilities. With my plans mentioned above, however, any relationship I tried to have now would either be broken off in a couple years' time or I would have to worry about taking them along... I prefer to 'risk not finding anyone' later on than having a burden now. And if, in the worst case scenario, I am too late, I'm fine with having a child on my own, or even not having children at all!

Haha ive always been single and ive had all this.When i was young people used to tell my mum she should "make me find someone"my mum did worry about me being on own as im only child,but she would never have made me,she just wasnt like that..

Ive never been married,never lived with a partner,and when i was younger it was "o you are an attractive woman cant understand it" you are too fussy" " you will meet someoje eventually ".But i never did and even now im much older when i say ive never had a long term relationship people still say things like "Really im surprised as you are attractive and a nice person Its flattering they dont think im so awful thats why im on own.lolBut even in 2019 do we still think women without a partner are sad spinsters.Sadly many do.

Yes get it all the time

And thought well maybe it is time to start dating went on bumble had a few dates some sex and now bored of it all and back to being happily single

Nice to know I can do that if needs be

The remarks of don’t worry you will meet a great guy right for you one day really piss me off as it’s entrenched in sexism that women are waiting around for men to choose them - I’m not worried but maybe some guy will meet a great woman one that woman being me ! And who knows maybe I will or maybe I won’t want to be with him

Yep, I’m moving house...maybe there will be a hot next door neighbour...starting a new hobby...maybe there will be a hot single guy....new job...maybe you will meet the one...

Tedious. I am not looking for a man, I’m perfectly happy being single.

I like the idea of being dangerous. That suits me fine!

I found it really sad that one of my colleagues (who is much younger than me) said she's worried she's going to be alone if she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's lovely and I felt sorry for her that she thinks that.

I have been single for nearly 5 years now & I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter any more, I'm happy as I am. I have recently been diagnosed with Autism & had I known before I met my ex husband & late partner wouldn't have entered in to a relationship, there are a lot of times I don't want to be around me, why should I expect someone else to be around me?

And the old chestnut that I heard more than once, "you'll meet someone when you least expect it!"

By the time I met OH, I'd been single so long that I ought to have been tripping over someone every time I turned round.