I've had friends and colleagues ask me if I have anyone on the horizon and then when I say 'no' they've said 'Awwwww' (as the audience does at the sad part of a pantomime) 'you'll meet someone'. So, they bring up the topic of my singledom that I wasn't even thinking about and then pity me for it, it seems to be an exercise carried out wholly so they can feel smug. Some people just can't bear to be alone, I've known many women like this who break up with one boyfriend and then form a long-term relationship with the very next man they go to bed with, some random dude who they don't have much of a connection with but they force it until, I suppose through familiarity, being around each other becomes a habit or dependence. I can't remember which comedian mentioned that sometimes people think they're in a good relationship, but actually it's just the Netflix series they're watching that's good. I must admit I was a serial monogamist until I realised that I was desperately needy with bad boundaries due to childhood abuse and perhaps needed to sort that out before being with anyone else. I've spent several years alone now doing just that, and have come to realise that every relationship I've had has been awful, and I'm a much more well-rounded human being on my own. I'll be perfectly honest and admit I do get lonely sometimes, but when I compare the life I have now to the the abusive situations I was in before, being dragged down every day by someone else's miserable little ego, I know I'm much better off alone. I'm not playing the victim, I made bad choices because I didn't know any better and was foolishly naive and damaged, it is what it is. I'm older and wiser now, but the prospect of meeting someone actually scares me, as I associate being in a couple with being trapped and used. I like the idea of being in a happy equal relationship, but there would have to be so many requirements, I would have zero tolerance for any kind of crap (I've been on a few dates and each time saw too many red flags straight away, didn't even make further contact). I don't know if I could live with someone again, it has only ever been an utter hell having someone else around 24 hours a day, not only because of abusive behaviours, but not being able to have a bit of peace and quiet and get on with my own activities. I like the idea of love and maybe even a bit of romance, but I'm too much of a realist now to expect very much. I know I could find a man tomorrow if I wanted - not being arrogant, most women could - but at what cost? I know there are decent men out there, but I attract either losers or abusers most of the time. Then there are men who might be OK enough, but just really dull, or not intelligent enough, or not funny, or well, just not good enough for me. I'm not saying I'm the best catch, just... better than them. Unfortunately, when you're damaged from childhood abuse you just send out this creep sonar, which is annoying at a time when you feel like you've healed from all that. Despite having little interest in finding a partner, when I talk to men they sometimes point out they have a girlfriend as though the only reason I could possibly be talking to them is because I desperately want to get on their dad bod. It's always men I don't have the slightest interest in and have actually just been humouring in a conversation I have been finding incredibly dull, perhaps I fake it too well. Anyway! Whilst I may not be living on cloud nine all the time, the things that make me feel good are largely down to the space and peace that being single brings, and the time I have to do exactly what I want to do. Relationships have been like a drug addiction to me, something I've sacrificed other relationships and aspects my life for, only to get a high that was short-lived and essentially illusory, leaving me with nothing but lost time and depleted energy when they were finished.