To wonder if other single women have this problem?

[SapphireSeptember]

Or is it just me? Every time I say I'm going anywhere (gigs, on holiday, to LARP events, even shopping in the nearest big city) I have people say 'maybe you'll find a man!' I don't want a man, I'm perfectly happy on my own. I find it extra annoying when I'm going somewhere with a friend. Cos I'm totally going to ditch my friend for some random guy, aren't I? (The answer to that is a big fat 'hell no!')

Please tell me I'm not alone? I've been single for just over a year (after a 12 year relationship) and the idea of getting into another relationship fills me with dread.

A parent at a toddler group i run brought me a newspaper article for finding new love for the over 50s on finding out I was a single Mum I was 44 at the time 😠🤪

@Witchwobbleknees my mother gave me her local church newsletter which detailed a 'young people's Christian meet up group', 18-35.

I knew it was well intentioned but I'm
37 and on the whole find it easier being single 🙄.

I have this too. I’m not single by choice. My marriage ended 5 years ago and I’ve 2 young children. It’s now 20 odd years since I even went on a date. I’m actually quite happy on my own but people always comment about me setting up an online profile, fixing me up with friends, and that sort of thing. The thought petrifies me. My ex just came out of a relationship he had after we split and my children are really affected by their split as they had got close to the new partner. They were together a few years. She was their stepmom.

The other issue I have though is all my friends are in a couple so I do tend to have been dropped from social things unless it’s a girls night out which doesn’t happen often. And even then it felt like a lot of the girls would catch the single thing from me and would arrange to go out without me.

A work colleague jokes about the fact she’s been single over a decade but always slips in that it doesn’t mean she’s not had sex in all that time. As if people are bothered. But it makes me think I’ll be laughed at for not having been with anyone since my break up.

I would like to meet someone eventually but I don’t want to go through all the trying to get a date thing. I’d like to meet someone by chance. That’s how precious relationships have happened. Not by deliberately going out on the pull, or setting up a dating profile.

I think it's because society expects you to be part of a couple and it's more socially accepted . I am a single parent and love my freedom and my own company and also holiday alone . It's so much easier than putting up with someone moaning or wanting to do different things there's nothing wrong with it I highly recommend it 😂

😂 One extreme to another!
I'm happily single too. Being a single Mum to a special needs child doesn't leave much time, energy or inclination to go on a man hunt!!

The comments do stop in your 40s because obviously no man would want an old hag like me.

I know that people who are married and have kids pity me for being single and childless. I haven’t the heart to tell them that I in turn pity them.

I haven’t found that the comments have stopped

They are maybe slightly different now I am in my 40’s

Now remarks about oh your ds will leave home one day

I know and thats great he goes off to love his life that’s how it should be and I shall get another cat (or maybe a few cats)

Conversation with a vague acquaintance

Me: the boys father and I split up at the beginning of the year

Her: oh that’s sad. Have you got a new man?

Me: no I’m not interested in another relationship

Her: but you need a man

Me: no I’m perfectly happy on my own and my life is fulfilled and busy

Her: you say that but you really need a man

Me: no I don’t

Her: every woman needs a man. You’ll find one I’m sure

Me: I’m not looking. I don’t want another relationship

Her: but you need a man

And so on and so on. I’ve avoided her ever since because it was so offensive

There was a time when women literally did need a man to survive if they had dc, and couldn't move back in with their family. My poor Nan was in a violent relationship for 5 decades because you just couldn't survive as a single mum in 1950. There must've been loads like her who lost their dc's fathers in the war.

Now things are different, single mums can cope (though often only just). But perhaps the attitude is a hangover from those times. I went on a financial planning course recently and was the only single person there, it was like the situation just didn't exist! All the advice was based on two incomes, two pensions, and living costs based on a couple (obvs cheaper than 2 single people). I felt like a freak of nature. And it really brought it home to me how much more comfortable my current life, and future, would be if I paired up.

But having been single a few years and looking at the world of relationships from the outside, I'm appalled and have developed such high standards that it's perfectly possible I'll never meet a man who's good enough

P.S. Really related to your post Upfield

It is true that after 40 randomers stop asking.
That's sadder than being single. Being single fine for me but it is a bit shocking that it is just assumed now that nobody would want me!! Im 49.
My kids are older now, i could actually go out sometimes now!

@SummerPavillion interesting, especially as single people need to plan more really.

Yes, and it would sometimes make sense for women to live together with friends to share living costs and be able to save more for retirement, not to mention the companionship etc.

But that feels like closing the door on a living together nuclear family sort of relationship which would feel too final for some women (including me at the moment)

But am I holding out for that almost on principle, because it was always my dream, rather than it being what would make me happiest...

I have to take comfort from 100% owning the small shabby house i live in rather than 50% owning a nicer bigger house in a more convenient location. But what you say is true. Coupling up makes for a better lifestyle. There shouldnt be such a penalty for being single.

I havent ruled it out but i have ruled out looking for it. So it probably wont happen. But it isnt being s8ngle thst gets me down, it is trying to meet somebody.

Haha not just you!

I also have the problem of my mother trying to marry me off to every man I mention. I just dont mention men or dating any more!

Being a happily single woman is an anathema to a lot of people who cant compute not following the status quo. We should all be Bridget Jones dontca know?!

It's interesting isn't it this whole idea that you are better off with a man, financially you probably are but not necessarily emotionally, it's so rare to find a man who really genuinely loves his wife it seems ,so many couples seem to just be settling/pretending for the sake of convention and a joint income!

@stillsexystillsingle yes. Because of the success of the financial unit known as The Family, it has taken (me) until my children are old enough to leave on their own for me to opt out of that inadequacy. It was not just a sense of inadequacy though, it was real financial and social disadvantage. 12 years of financial emotional and practical recovery though, I feel in a stronger position than married women in their late 40s. Because married or not if you are staring down the barrel of 50 (or 60) but you have already learnt to be content in your own company, already learnt to
show up as a single person with the bravery that that takes in this world, already structured a life /home that you can afford - then you're in a better position i feel. There is less vulnerability in being a single woman now i feel. Any sense of inadequacy long since replaced by pride that i have rebuilt and have optimism for a future on my own. Dont know if that sounds anti marriage but women are encouraged in to being dependent on the social status that comes with being one half of a couple.

Absolutely @NotaWagon but I think things are starting to change, I think more of us now feel able to stand up and say either I am treated well in this relationship or we don't have a relationship . These men are going to have to up their game! Historically men have always had it all their own way dinner on the table and mistresses on the side and all the rest of it! Now finally that's starting to change but we need more women to get on board with us!

I think some of the unease is that people know (at least subconsciously) that the world runs on the unpaid labour of women, performed for the benefit of men. So the happily single woman is dangerous because she gives other women Ideas ie that they, too, could decide they are fed up of servicing a man and walk out on their owners...

Yes THIS.....
I've had two awful marriages where I was just expected to cook clean and provide sex. My needs and emotions were not considered at all.
Also several relationships that were headed the same way before I ended them.
I'm 57 and choose to be permanently single now. I have my own home and job and don't need a man.
I NEED a cat and I need time and space to do the things I want to do and relax.
I don't need to come home from work and start a 2nd job of cleaning up the filth left around by a man who can't even remember my birthday.
I have men friends - completely platonic - i can go to the pub with and female friends to chat to so why I'd need a man in the house is anyones guess.
Post menopause I have zero sex drive and the last thing I need is to pretend to enjoy sex with someone I don't like very much. To me its a form of abuse.

It sounds like a pretty standard thing people just say... I couldn’t get worked up about that.

That is so true @madcatladyforever, if enough women didnt offer up free labour, society would feel the pinch.