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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if other single women have this problem?

197 replies

SapphireSeptember · 02/11/2019 20:15

Or is it just me? Every time I say I'm going anywhere (gigs, on holiday, to LARP events, even shopping in the nearest big city) I have people say 'maybe you'll find a man!' I don't want a man, I'm perfectly happy on my own. I find it extra annoying when I'm going somewhere with a friend. Cos I'm totally going to ditch my friend for some random guy, aren't I? (The answer to that is a big fat 'hell no!')

Please tell me I'm not alone? I've been single for just over a year (after a 12 year relationship) and the idea of getting into another relationship fills me with dread.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 03/11/2019 14:55

@NowYouListenToMeFella. Yes, I’m the double whammy, doesn’t want marriage or kids seems to really upset some people

@IceAndaSlice if anyone thinks of single childfree women like that, they’re not worth a moment’s thought.

Bit puzzled by a pp comment on people who are out a lot. Lots of people just enjoy being out a lot. I’m not such a person but I don’t assume anyone’s unhappy at home or in their relationship because they’re out a lot.

bluebeck · 03/11/2019 15:12

I am definitely much happier single than I ever was married (done it twice!) and I am mid fifties.

I have read three studies which found that single women and married men were happier than married women and single men (who come bottom of the pile) I cannot remember all of the provenance but one was from London School of Economics and one was from a Canadian University if that helps the doubters

This doesn't mean that all single women are happier than all married women, of course not. But it does pose the question about why the patriarchy have invested so much in trying to convince women that they need a relationship to be happy when actually it is men who need this more.

IceAndASlice123 · 03/11/2019 15:23

Christmas is the toughest for me. Always feel a bit like I am in the way as I don't have a partner or a family of my own. Also it's that time of year when you see relatives who ask if you are 'still single.' Or 'Why don't you set an aim for yourself so you achieve something next year.' If I were coupled up and had kids, I would put money on the fact they would not be saying that. It's very hurtful.

Dollymixture22 · 03/11/2019 15:53

Agreed. I also worry about Christmas when I am older. At the minute I am automatically included in my parents and sisters arrangements. But in years to come my sister and BIL will be invited to their children and I will be an awkward add on.

I do have single friends so hopefully Christmas holidays could be arranged

Taswama · 03/11/2019 17:27

Great thread OP. I’m not single but I can certainly see the benefits and think if I were to split up with DP (or if he died) I wouldn’t be in a rush to get into another relationship.

Gardai · 03/11/2019 17:37

@Dollymixture22 I'm going away straight after Xmas (cheap) and next year I'm booking us away too. I also prefer to call it and celebrate the winter solstice and better Christmas choices

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/11/2019 17:43

Before I had ds when I was single I would always go away (India, Thailand- lots of single holiday makers/travelers)

Had a great time

Since having ds I haven’t. He shall be away this Christmas and I am going to work - friends a family are feeling very sad for me and feel it would be better for me to be around loved ones

No thanks will be more cheerful and less stressful at work

IcedPurple · 03/11/2019 18:01

You are choosing to see these single women as desperate lonely time fillers because it suits you. If you looked more closely at the joy of selfish freedom and financial independence, you'd probably have to face up to some unpleasant home truths about your own life, your lack of control and the limitations on your freedom to do exactly what you want.

Exactly this. She laughably apologised for 'offending' me with her comments, as though - like all single women, apparently - I am in denial and desperately wish I was all smugly married like her. Then when I pointed out that studies consistently show that single women are happier than married women, that had to be because the studies were conducted by single women who - guess what - were also desperately in denial.

I suppose you see what you want to see. Maybe the poster will respond as soon as she's finished cooking dinner for her husband.

JacquesHammer · 03/11/2019 18:13

Don’t you think (or maybe it’s just me who thinks this!) that people simply cannot accept singledom as a valid choice. They seem to think it’s a state one falls into quite by accident because one is somehow defective and cannot achieve the pinnacle of womanhood; matrimony!

IcedPurple · 03/11/2019 18:15

Don’t you think (or maybe it’s just me who thinks this!) that people simply cannot accept singledom as a valid choice.

That's certainly true for women. Terms like 'spinster' conjure up a picture of a lonely old woman sitting at home with her cats. Whereas terms like 'bachelor' or 'bachelor pad' have connotations of freedom and fun.

They seem to think it’s a state one falls into quite by accident because one is somehow defective and cannot achieve the pinnacle of womanhood; matrimony!

Yes - single women are lacking in something. A mediocre man. I'll pass, thanks.

NowYouListenToMeFella · 03/11/2019 18:25

Totally agree with you Jacque. I definitely know some of my married friends feel sorry for me. Being honest looking at some of their marriages I am like it's me who should be feeling sorry for you.

Stillsexystillsingle · 03/11/2019 18:26

Ha ha yes! I have one female work colleague who herself has been single for 15 years who is terrible for it! I recently mentioned I was going to a work event with two female work colleagues, in our workplace, and she wondered if I might meet someone..I wasn't sure if she was joking / being sarcastic or not as it's highly unlikely! I replied well I certainly won't be making it my goal for the evening! Watch me meet someone now! Ha ha

Stillsexystillsingle · 03/11/2019 18:56

I've been single for 3 years and I'd like to meet someone, but I decided that this time around I only want to be with someone who genuinely cares about me, otherwise, yeah, thanks but no thanks. So many married women seem to have the house and the joint income and the lifestyle but they don't have a partner that actually loves them and that just wouldn't be good enough for me. Coleen Rooney being a prime example of this, but so many seem to share her mindset, it's like I've got the ring, I've got the lifestyle, I've got the kids, who cares if he treats me like a piece of poo on the end of his shoe

IceAndASlice123 · 03/11/2019 19:13

Sometimes I just feel written off as the sad, lonely chronically ill spinster. It really upsets me. There is so much more to me than my relationship status or my illness but sadly very few seem to recognise that

ALongHardWinter · 03/11/2019 19:17

I am single (divorced for nearly 20 years,not been in a relationship for just over 3 years) and I've been away on holiday on my own,and to gigs by myself. Whereas I don't get the 'maybe you'll find a man' comments,I do get remarks along the lines of 'You're going on your own?'. I always feel that it's a bit of a dig at my single status.

Charlottejbt · 03/11/2019 19:40

I worked in care homes and most of the bitterness felt by the women was because of the lie of marriage that they were sold and their wasted life running a home.

That's a very powerful sentence. It reminds me of a very good book where the author interviewed elderly working class widows in the 80s, and they made the same point. I think it was Wigan Pier Revisited by Beatrix Campbell.

MissFitton · 03/11/2019 19:49

Interesting thread. Ten years single here and although I do have youngish children I do get a lot of time to myself.

I can honestly say I never feel lonely and relish the time I have to do the things I want to do, without compromise. With owing my own home, running my own business a great circle of friends and having time to do whatever the hell I like, why on earth would I want to shackle myself to some bloke?

userxx · 03/11/2019 19:52

It gets so fucking boring along with the "you got yourself a man yet" - just fuck off.

misspiggy19 · 03/11/2019 19:55

It’s as if “single by choice” doesn’t exist for some people.

^I genuinely don’t know any single people that are single by choice

happinessischocolate · 03/11/2019 20:01

I genuinely don’t know any single people that are single by choice

I'm sure you do, unless they would be willing to partner up with just anyone then the are choosing to be single

happinessischocolate · 03/11/2019 20:03

I also get "I can't believe you're single"

To which I reply "I've never met anyone I want to marry"

😁

MsDFye · 03/11/2019 20:14

I think these type of comments often come from bored married people who want to live vicariously through their single friends! Internet dating must sound like a lot more fun than it actually is if you've never had to do it

Bellringer · 03/11/2019 20:16

Is this still happening in 2019?

MsDFye · 03/11/2019 20:16

I mean the type of comments the OP mentioned. I still get quite a few along with a lot of gushing advice about internet dating from people who've never had to try it...

JacquesHammer · 03/11/2019 20:29

I genuinely don’t know any single people that are single by choice

Oh well clearly they don’t exist then 🙄

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