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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 31/10/2019 06:48

YANBU.

DriftingLeaves · 31/10/2019 06:49

YANBU

Tminus3days · 31/10/2019 06:49

Is there any chance of him taking them for a shorter period, for example driving there on the 24th and driving back either boxing day or the 27th? I think if it were me I'd let him have them but make it clear you expect the same in return - if you ever do need it that is whilst they're still living at home although hopefully you won't. Is there a court order for contact?

LaurieMarlow · 31/10/2019 06:49

YANBU

MustardScreams · 31/10/2019 06:51

I was all ready to say YABU, but it’s not their grandparent so I think I would feel exactly like you. I’m not sure what I would do though! Are there any other dates over the end of December/beginning of Jan that they could go and visit instead? It sounds like it’s going to be an intense Christmas if MIL is ill, and not exactly fun for your dc. Are they close with her?

HelloYouTwo · 31/10/2019 06:52

YANBU. How old are your dc? Old enough to have a say? Very unfair to take them off to a house which isn’t their grandparents for the whole of Christmas, especially during a difficult time. Surely having extra, non-related (and seemingly second class in the mil’s mind) dc to cater for will be more stressful for the mil? You’d be doing everyone a favour by keeping the dc with you Wink

Howlovely · 31/10/2019 06:52

I'd hate this too. It's unfair of your ex to ask this of you I think. I'd say no. Their step-mum's wishes don't trump yours and the children don't want to go because of the way her family have treated them in the past.

BillHadersNewWife · 31/10/2019 06:53

YANBU at all. It's not his Mother. Say no.

TidyDancer · 31/10/2019 06:54

If it was their grandparent then I'd say he was reasonable to request it. It's not though, and they don't want to go, so that's that for me. How old are the DCs?

HatingTheBigShow · 31/10/2019 06:54

His own terminally ill mum would be one thing bsut as if his new dying MIL would even want someone else's grandchildren there causing more stress! YANBU.

Original poster
VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:56

Kids aren’t really close with their step family, they said they sometimes feel a bit neglected with them. The focus is really on the new children. The last time my children went to visit they same back saying they didn’t want to go again. It would be a very miserable Xmas for the from what they’ve told me.

OP posts:
Furiousfive · 31/10/2019 06:56

Yanbu - the children should have xmas with you and your ex can see them either before or after xmas. Not fair on them to spend it with people who aren't their family and who they'll be feeling awkward with; ex's mil surely wants to spend xmas with her own gc.

strawberry2017 · 31/10/2019 06:56

Her parents are not your children's grandparents so I wouldn't be giving up my Xmas for them. Regardless of circumstances.
Like other posters could understand if it was actually their GPs but it's not!
Think it's crazy that they expect you to say yes to that.

Itallt0omuch · 31/10/2019 06:57

Nope not their family. Say you'll do as you normally do.

MustardScreams · 31/10/2019 06:57

Absolutely not then. It sounds awful for them! They shouldn’t have to miss out on Christmas just because someone they’re not related to is ill.

Let ex’s MIL concentrate on her grandchildren, your ex will just have to suck it up. He’s being incredibly selfish to ask IMO.

Isitme13 · 31/10/2019 06:57

How old are your dc?

How old are the dc your ex has with his current wife?

If your dc are old enough to have a reasonable say (and an expectation of being listened to), I think your ex needs to make a decision here - Christmas with your dc or Christmas with his other dc. He should be the one putting in the work - maybe he could go with his wife for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day up to eg mid afternoon, then travel back to have your dc from Christmas night/Boxing Day? That’s the closest to best of both worlds for all of you, I think.

MyOtherProfile · 31/10/2019 07:00

Are the DC old enough to tell him themselves that they don't want to go?

LannisterLion1 · 31/10/2019 07:00

Yanbu. 23-26th morning or 26th onwards. If the kids were keen and comfortable then I'd say that for a year it would be good to do.it but they don't and aren't keen.

Thetirednessisreal · 31/10/2019 07:01

No way I wouldn’t even consider it

LannisterLion1 · 31/10/2019 07:01

Sorry misread it as exs mum, yanbu his mil is no relation to your dc and they feel uncomfortable. What do they want to do?

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2019 07:01

How old are all the children and how long have they been together?
I would be offering maybe three days over Christmas and meet half way the day after boxing day to swap over.
The fact that she is the ow is irrelevant tbh.

KatherineJaneway · 31/10/2019 07:04

YANBU

AJPTaylor · 31/10/2019 07:05

Nope.
If he wants to go with new partner and new kids this year, that's understandable. Not fair to put your dc through it.
Xmas with you. New year with him.

SuperMumTum · 31/10/2019 07:05

Just say no. I would offer that they could go for a night or 2 if the kids wanted to then I would drive over to collect them. Or offer to drive them up on boxing day morning IF the kids wanted me to. Depends on their age a bit I guess.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 31/10/2019 07:07

He's being ridiculous. It's not even their family.

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