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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 14:24

*most not mist!

AryaStarkWolf · 31/10/2019 14:24

I am now a selfish c denying his wishes and manipulating ‘his’ children, but I’ve been here before, basically anytime I’ve said no to him about anything*

So ignoring the point that it's "his" children who are the ones who don't want to go? haha Anyway, he's just confirmed that you made a good decision there anyway

TheDarkPassenger · 31/10/2019 14:26

If they’re not close to her then no!
My sons close to his step mums mum so I would let him go if it was us but absolutely not if they barely know her (and if they live so far away they probably don’t!)

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 14:42

@Whitleyboy - mistake! I meant the ‘stepmum’ likely doesn’t want them there, or at least isn’t bothered one way or another.

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 14:43

@VivienScott Don’t pay any attention to what he says. You’ve got the courage of your convictions, and you’ve got your children’s best interests in mind. He can think what he likes and it matters not a jot!

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2019 14:55

Well done for sticking up for your DC and for not letting your XH's whining or bullying bother you. He'll have to look after his own toddlers, won't he?

pallisers · 31/10/2019 15:02

Well done OP. Amazed at all the people telling these children they have to suck up being 400 miles away from their home and friends for the entire of christmas staying in a house of a woman they hardly know (the mother of your dad's wife who lives 400 miles away isn't "granny") because they are the children of divorce.

2girlsandagap · 31/10/2019 16:09

Well done OP!

Fookadook · 31/10/2019 16:22

Denying his wishes? Because it’s all about him isn’t it... 🙄

How about he considers what his children want?

Brown76 · 31/10/2019 16:22

YANBU let them stay behind so he can focus on supporting his wife, and she can focus on her mum

Reallynowdear · 31/10/2019 16:30

Good God no, keep saying no op. My dc just wanted to lounge around in their pjs over Christmas at that age.

Is step Granny even well enough to host this amount of guests?

QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2019 16:36

If anyone called me a cunt I’d be informing them that I would be reporting them to he police for threatening/verbal abuse.
You certainly dodged a bullet getting out of that marriage Flowers

picklemebrains · 31/10/2019 16:42

Charming chap.

rainbowstardrops · 31/10/2019 16:43

He's having a hissy fit because you haven't bowed down to him???? Meh
Who cares????!!!!!
Stick to your guns OP!

He can see hi children on Christmas Day. It just means he has to make the effort.

He can see them before Christmas if this isn't feasible. He can see them after Christmas if this isn't feasible. He could do a delayed Christmas once he's back!

He's basically putting himself before his children, the mother of his children and quite possibly his now wife and her family!!!

I find that 'fuck off' usually gets the message across.

His children will be where they always are at Christmas. No need to not see them unless he is the one changing the goal-posts.

Do not back down!

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2019 16:43

Big time projection from him. He's the one manipulating them.

plightofthealbatross · 31/10/2019 17:20

"Our children don't want to spend Christmas with your wife's family where you only want them there so they can babysit and entertain your new kids. Not how they want to spend their holiday. That's on you for treating them like the hired help, DH."

I'd be frank.

picklemebrains · 31/10/2019 17:26

Actually, he's kindly relieved you of any guilt you may have been tempted to feel. No need.

PanamaPattie · 31/10/2019 17:36

Gosh, it's a shame you split up - he's just a peach! Well done OP for sticking up for your children.

IdiotInDisguise · 31/10/2019 18:30

"Our children don't want to spend Christmas with your wife's family where you only want them there so they can babysit and entertain your new kids. Not how they want to spend their holiday. That's on you for treating them like the hired help, DH

It is not uncommon for children to tell you what they think you want to hear, I bet they are telling their dad a good amount of reasons why they don’t want to spend Christmas with you.

They all do it, in big or small measure.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 18:42

Good grief, Idiot - which bit of: “The last time the kids went to visit they came back saying they didn't want to go again.” don't you understand, along with their feeling ignored and neglected by the step-family?

PinkpompomDaisy · 31/10/2019 18:50

If they were my children I would say no.

Staying with sick non-relatives with your father and his new wife and kids, if you don’t even want to go, at Christmas, sounds awful.

I strongly believe that nobody looks after your children as well as you do, and Christmas often brings out the worst in people.

Beamur · 31/10/2019 21:12

He called you a cunt?
Bloody hell.
The way he frames the kids as his is awfully telling too. You are well rid.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 21:19

He must really hate not having any influence over your life. Well he blew that one the moment he bedded is darling wife.

lynzpynz · 31/10/2019 21:39

No ex-H you're the selfish one, you followed your pecker to OW's bed making the choice to put her first over being there 24/7 for your kids and forcing them to split their time between their respective parents for occasions just like this!

Trying to emotionally manipulate you with new MILs mystery serious illness didn't work so now he's throwing toys out they pram as you're not bowing down to his wants. He doesn't give a flying fish for the kids wishes and is just trying to suit himself - also clearly doesn't care for you not seeing them as long as he gets what he wants. Selfish git, stay firm OP, you don't owe him anything by sound of it and doubt he'd reciprocate if you needed it!!

"it's not selfish to listen to the kids wishes ex-H, it's selfish to try to force them to go along with your wishes when they clearly vocalising they don't want to. Calling me names because they are not going along with your demands or emotional manipulation attempts (for a woman not related to them!) isn't exactly making me want to convince them otherwise anyway so tough titties twatfeatures away any bitch to OW and stop bothering me"

xdestarx · 31/10/2019 21:48

The kids should choose surely. I think in a break up then there's too much focus on a fair split for the parents, when actually, as long as the kids aren't dead little, they should get to choose where they want their Christmas! I never spent it with my dad, my mum suggested it but I didn't want to and got upset so she didn't ask again!