Ex wants kids all Xmas

[VivienScott]

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

I thought you meant your ex MIL aka your ex’s mother in which case I’d have said you’re being a bit unfair but actually, no YANBU as it’s not their grandparents and they don’t even enjoy going there particularly. I wouldn’t agree to it either.

Wonder how much wanting them there for all of Christmas is because new wife wants your ex there for all of Christmas as it’s a long way away and doesn’t want him handing over dc half way through their break?

Also are the ‘new children’ your dc’s step siblings or half siblings? Is there a big age difference? Could they be thinking that they want to use your dc as cheap babysitters when mil gets tired so that she can see them but not have to be too active with them?

If nothing else it’s a good time to raise the dc being made to feel like second class citizens when the step in laws.

If it was his mother i would suggest some sort of compromise- ie he can take them but not for that long.

However its not his mother, its his wife's mother. Of course she wants to see her and spend time with her so they should go - but they leave your children at home and they get new year instead.

No, not their grandmother,

Gosh no way. If he wants to spend Christmas with his in laws that's his choice but there's no way you or your children should suffer. No.

I'd seriously question whether his MIL even wants your children there for so long when she's ill.

What AJPTaylor said two posts up. Excellent suggestion.

I'd be saying no. It would be very different if this was their grandparent or even a step-grandparent who had made them feel part of the family (like my children's).

If your children feel neglected on a normal visit this will be much worse.

YANBU. The main thing is what's best for the children, and if they don't want to go (and have good reason not to) then that's decision made really. Travelling 400 miles to stay with someone else's sick family doesn't sound like a good plan for anyone involved. Shame for the new parters mum, I hope she has a lovely Christmas with her own family.

YANBU -DC should stay with you and he goes with his new partner and her kids.

No way. Totally inappropriate to bring children, who are seen as second class citizens by his shiny new wife. She will be even less tolerant of their presence due to her pain at imminently losing her mother. Not to mention how unfair it is to inflict this on your children.

I’d be refusing for him to take them to her house full stop on Christmas Day. It is supposed to be a special time and very different if it were their cherished grandma. He can go to his new family during those dates and have your dcs after that. How old are they?

No way are you being unreasonable!

I actually think you need to lay it out with your ex. Tell him how he's making your children feel. He needs to buck his ideas up.

I actually agree with another poster that this is more about his wife not wanting him to disappear during Christmas to pick up / drop off the kids. I doubt she and her ill mother actually want them there the entire time.

I'd try to suggest that the kids stay with you and let the MIL have a less busy Xmas with her closer family.
Really don't bring the kids feeling unwelcome into at this point (even though it is true).

My kids are early teens, so old enough to have an opinion but ex can be a bit of an arse and quite often they don’t like disagreeing with him.
New kids are 3 and 1.
My dc’s have known family for 7 years.
Reason I comment about her being OW is admittedly petty and I’m sure I should forgive and forget, but they’re affair has already done enough damage to family xmas’s, I’m reluctant to give them a free pass on this one as well.

Would be totally different if it was his parents / their grandparent.

For their step mums parent? Nah.

Hell no! Children with you and he can see them before HE goes 400 miles away. No court would disagree

OW’s family.
Your ex can fuck right off.
(Sorry; hit a nerve)

Another 'just say no' here. It's not reasonable for him to 'port' the DC 400 miles just so he doesn't 'miss out' on seeing them, when they have no connection with the person he's travelling to see. It's their Christmas too!

Either he and new wife go away in 2 cars so he can go late/return early, or he sees DC before he goes/after he comes back. No other option.

Just tell him the kids have said they don’t want to come and are old enough to decide for themselves.
They’re also old enough to know that he’s going to be an arse about it and understand that they’ll have to stand up to him if they don’t want to spend Christmas there.
I know it’s hard for kids as they don’t want to upset or anger their parent, I have the same with my DS11 and his dad but he knows it’s ok to say no to his dad now and his dad just has to accept it

I'm surprised at how selfish some of you are being. Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families. If this was my mum i'd be devastated if you said no. It's one year to make a dying woman happy.

I'd say it's not fair on your children or the Mil to have them there over Christmas.
Sounds like it's for him- he has to go away, but he wants them anyway.

YANBU.

She's not your kids' grandmother.
THey're the OW's mother.
He wouldn't do the same for you.
Why should you have to not see your kids at christmas when he broke the marriage for OW, you probably do all the heavy lifting with the kids, and it's always been shared.

Just say no. Not your problem. Not yourkids' problem.

Nope not a chance. If it were their actual grandparent then probably fair enough. But despite this being your Ex’s MIL she is of no relation to your children. Just because she has cancer does not mean either she or Ex get to “call dibs” on children which are of no relation to her.

Floody, there's no reason to suppose the dying woman wants them there! She wants her daughter and her children, quite understandably. There's no reason to assume she wants the teenagers that she doesn't know that well (living that far away, not related etc).

I don’t think that YABU but, as someone who has been through this, I’d suggest maybe moving away from the splitting Xmas arrangement. Although it’s really horrible not to have my DS every other Xmas, it means that when it is “my year”, we can make our plans and properly enjoy it rather than looking at our watches and waiting til it’s time for the hand over. On the years DS is away, we have a special celebration when he gets back.

It was much harder when he was little as I felt I was missing the magic of seeing him on Xmas Eve, and being there first thing on Xmas morning. Now he’s a young teen, like OP’s children, it’s less about the magic of the day itself, and more about taking time out from the usual chaos of life, and enjoying relaxing, eating lots, playing games etc, which we can do when he gets back.