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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 31/10/2019 08:13

No- it’s only your ex who wants the children to go. You’d be sending them off for an extended period where they’re unwelcome to the home of a very ill woman. OW will focus on her mother, ex will focus on new kids , your kids will be pushed out.

WooMaWang · 31/10/2019 08:15

@floodypuddle I don't agree this is a 'poor beleaguered stepmother' situation. I say that as someone with step kids and an annoying ex.

As PP as pointed out absolutely nothing is stopping her from taking her children to her parents for the whole if Christmas. Of course she should do that.

The issue is (as always) the exH who wants to have his cake and eat it and isn't actually thinking about what is best for his teenage children. He wants to be with his wife and all his children (which is understandable) but, as it's 400miles away, something has to give. He should be putting their wishes first but he's too selfish to do so.

He's also not thinking about his MIL, who clearly doesn't really want her stepGC there.

My ex would choose to spend every Christmas with his parents 300 miles away. But that wouldn't be fair on DS who wants to get the chance to celebrate with both his parents. So ex asks to have DS for the second week of the Christmas holidays (and gets on a plane the second he has him, lest he might have to do any actual looking after him when his mum could do it) and I agree to let him pick up DS after Christmas lunch and spend some time with him.

My ex is a spectacularly selfish arsehole. So if he can manage to be vaguely reasonable about this sort of thing, then the OP's ex can too.

frazzledasarock · 31/10/2019 08:15

No from me too.

I’d just use the old MN phrase. That doesn’t work for us.

Your dc would have a miserable Christmas by the sounds of it. And OW probably doesn’t want them there anyway. Does your Exh have anywhere for your dc to actually stay when visiting his in laws?

milliefiori · 31/10/2019 08:16

YANBU. It's not their grandparents. He can come and collect them on Boxing Day. Or if you feel up to it, drive half way to meet him on Boxing Day. It's a very long journey for them, though.

scubadive · 31/10/2019 08:16

You’ve actually said in your last post this is a chain reaction and because your ex wants the children, nothing to do with his new MIL being ill, he just wants them where he is.

Well you want them where you are. Why do you lose out because he’s moving 400 miles for Xmas. Why even post here, you know what’s right, no question.

Techway · 31/10/2019 08:17

If the DC are teens then I would seek their input and validate their feelings.

Then communicate with Ex that the dc's wishes and needs have to be respected.

If xmas is with you completely then expect him to want all of Xmas next year. That might be a fair compromise.

Fookadook · 31/10/2019 08:17

No. This is all about him and nothing to do with what your DC want. Of course they shouldn’t go.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/10/2019 08:17

I was going to say yabu until I realised it wasn't their GM. Not a chance. Yanbu

WooMaWang · 31/10/2019 08:18

@scubadive The difference is that the exH is choosing to be 400miles away from where he usually is. And wants to insist that his reluctant teenagers accommodate him.

Usually Christmas can be split because everyone is in much the same place. The OP isn't the one moving the goalposts.

JacquesHammer · 31/10/2019 08:19

I would have no issue with the timescale he wants them for, however the reasoning doesn’t seem sensible especially as they don’t want to go.

Don’t make it emotive and about your feelings, simply explain practically that the children don’t feel comfortable.

tabbiemoo · 31/10/2019 08:20

So basically it's ex who is making the demand to have the kids for his benefit only not the mil with cancer. It sounds like the mil has not requested your kids to be there but your ex wants to see his kids at Xmas and if he has to be 400miles away that can't just be part of the day.

There is no way I would let him have the kids particularly as the kids would have a pretty miserable time and it's their Xmas too.
I would say I completely understand that he needs to be with wife's mother and family this Christmas and I have every sympathy for MIL and wife, but the kids do not need to be there for mum's sake and in fact it would be very unfair on them. Suggest either he joins the family slightly later so he can spend Xmas eve with your kids or does as pp suggested a second Xmas on another day.

Although I bet you get painted as the bad guy and the Cancer card gets played but this is not about the mil with cancer's wishes it's about your ex's wishes. He is the selfish one here. If he really cares about wife and mil and your kids then he will put aside his own wishes and make some other arrangement with your kids.

Djchickpea · 31/10/2019 08:20

Yanbu

Ugzbugz · 31/10/2019 08:21

No way esp if the kids dont want go, I would say he can collect boxing day and have the week after?

Cherrysoup · 31/10/2019 08:24

DC’s wishes trump everything, particularly when his new mil is not their family. No way would I let my dc go, I think you know that YANBU, OP.

Growingexponentially · 31/10/2019 08:26

Is there any chance he's proposing this knowing that you won't agree, making it seem like you're the one preventing him from seeing his children this Christmas?
That way he's free to please his current wife by spending Christmas with her parents with no guilt.

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 08:27

Oh my god, fuck no.

That’s just utterly ridiculous and you are under absolutely no obligation to give in to that request.

Just say no, that is not going to work for us. And stick with it. No matter what he says or what he tries to pull, just keep repeating it.

How utterly unfair to your children.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 31/10/2019 08:28

other than her daughter shagging someone else's husband

She is married to the OP's ex-H, the OP said she was his new wife in her first post.

But it's not reasonable to expect the kids to spend time with someone who doesn't really want them there. They are old enough to make their own minds up. If they'd rather stay with their mum, that should be the end of it. And if ex is an arse over it (of course he is, what ex on MN is ever reasonable?) he can get over himself.

Bluerussian · 31/10/2019 08:28

Another thing I thought is that the poor mother in law may be very unwell and find the presence of too many kids overwhelming. In a way it's insensitive to take them. If she lives in a huge house with a nursery and has kind staff, it could be managed but not in an ordinary house. If she is presented with four children on the day she will put on a brave face for their sakes but will probably feel exhausted.

MzHz · 31/10/2019 08:30

In this instance I would say that if spoken to the teens about what THEY want to do, AND I’ve considered the new children in so far as the mil is their gm and THEY deserve to spend uninterrupted/undiluted time with their gm in this difficult time. Yes they won’t know about it, but the mil will.

With all the above in mind, they won’t be spending Christmas with them this year - it’s too much to expect of them and of mil, so it’s a no. He can have them for extra time in the lead up or after, and you can alternate Christmas days as usual next year. It’s right that he puts his wife’s mother first this year, but your kids don’t have that same responsibility or obligation and given that they would rather not go, they need to be listened to.

Lowbrow · 31/10/2019 08:32

Even if your DC were younger I would not send them. Why does your ex get to change the arrangement for Christmas to suit himself. Just say no!

Blahblahblahnanana · 31/10/2019 08:34

Just tell him no. The kids don’t want to go, they feel uncomfortable going, and they’ll see him when he comes back.

Belfield · 31/10/2019 08:35

No. I wouldn't go into a great detailed reply to exdh. I would simply say it's a very obvious no and if you can't see why then I can't help you with that.

Pringlesfortea · 31/10/2019 08:36

No I fucking wouldn’t agree to this .no relation to your kids at all. Plus they clearly don’t want to
He could have them a couple of days between Xmas and new year ,and be great full you allow that

Zampa · 31/10/2019 08:36

I'm with @floodypuddle.

I'm surprised at how selfish some of you are being. Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families. If this was my mum i'd be devastated if you said no. It's one year to make a dying woman happy

We only have an ex-wife's version of the request, no understanding of the motivation of those involved and a huge number of posters piling on with their own conjecture.

OP - talk to your children's other parent and discuss a compromise. There will be one. At the end of the day, it's one Christmas and it could be one woman's last.

Aderyn19 · 31/10/2019 08:37

Even if it was his mother dying, I'd still say no. He made his bed, why should you be without your children at Christmas because of it?
But OW's mother? That would definitely get a huge fuck off from me. I'm surprised you are even asking if you are bring unreasonable!