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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
Cam77 · 31/10/2019 07:55

400 miles? Are there no trains or even flights to save someone driving that?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 31/10/2019 07:55

Absolutely not. She’s not their grandmother. Especially as your kids are made to feel like second class citizens there. As teens, I think they need to speak up though and not let him bulldozer them.

Homebird8 · 31/10/2019 07:56

It seems odd that the MIL wants your DCs there when they are not related and not treated the same as her blood GCs. Could it be that your ex knows he has to be away for the whole period and doesn’t want you to have them with you?

JulietakaIris · 31/10/2019 07:56

No from me too. It's very sad but they're not your children's family. What's his reasoning? Surely the MIL will be exhausted too. Would she even want all those people there for that long?

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2019 07:56

Yes I suspect his wife and her mother have no particular view (and in many ways it’s easier without them for them) and this is just he way of flexing his muscles and control
Just say no but you are happy for them to stay with you (do his parents live near to pop in and see them) and sort out something in the new year.

aweedropofsancerre · 31/10/2019 07:56

So it’s all about your ex and nothing to do with the MIL. He wants to see his DC and happens to be going to MIl for Xmas and now expects you to allow your DC to go for the entire peroid so he gets to please his wife and please himself. Tell him the answer is no

Homebird8 · 31/10/2019 07:57

Sorry, cross posted with you there OP.

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2019 07:57

Cross posted with last one. So basically he just wants his own way and is atreamrolling over everyone else and failing to see that them staying with you is best for everyone but him

CorBlimeyGovenor · 31/10/2019 07:58

Totally wrong of him to even ask you. Or ask your children to be apart from you. It's not their grandparent. It's probably more a case of him not wanting to miss out seeing them over Xmas because he has to spend it with his mil. And I'm sure that he wants to spend Xmas with all his children together to play happy families. Well, sorry, buy it doesn't work like that! He fecked your family over when he went off with another woman and started a family with her. He has to live with the consequences, which is that life can get messy and awkward at times.

NoWordForFluffy · 31/10/2019 07:59

God no. If it was their grandmother then yes, definitely. But she's not related to them, so no chance! Just tell him no and be done with.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 08:00

I'm sorry, I'm still not clear if your ex's mother-in-law wants your children there, or just her daughter's children with your ex? Because if it's clearly the latter, then it is your ex just being selfish and wanting to drag his other (your) children somewhere they don't want to be at Christmas. That's just mean on his part. They can have a different, special, Christmas with him and their half-siblings before or after Christmas, surely? Double Christmas!

Thatnovembernight · 31/10/2019 08:00

This just seems like such an obvious one. The teenagers aren’t related to this woman and they don’t want to go. The ex’s new MIL is going through an incredibly difficult time. I can’t imagine why she would want additional guests there. The new wife probably wants to focus on her small children and ill mother. The only person to benefit from this arrangement is the ex who I suppose wants to see his children over Christmas. However, given the circumstances in his new family (which he chose to create) I think he ought to accept that he can’t make it happen this year. It would make more sense for them to stay with the OP over Christmas and see their Dad over New Year.
This would be different if they were actually related and/or were keen to go.

DistanceCall · 31/10/2019 08:02

He can see the kids when he comes back from Xmas. If your children don't want to go, don't make them. They're old enough to decide (and if they don't want to tell their father so as not to upset him, then that's your job, I'm afraid).

Sleepyhead19 · 31/10/2019 08:02

Absolutely not. They are not actually the kids family and if the kids don’t feel they fit in, that is even more reason to say no. It’s not as if it’s an afternoon! I also feel like the emphasis will be on the mil and Christmas won’t be for the kids. This is just so the dad gets to see the kids and please his wife. I doubt the mil has requested their company tbh. Kids like to be at home at Xmas.
Tell their dad that he can have them for a couple of days afterwards. They can visit the mil for a weekend any other time.

picklemebrains · 31/10/2019 08:03

So the ill woman hasn't asked for your kids. Your ex is just inflicting them on her because he wants them. Selfish.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 31/10/2019 08:05

This is all about him

His wife has an ill mother, so obviously wants to spend Xmas with her (fair enough) and l understand that he would like to see your shared DC. So what is stopping him, seeing them over the new year..?

They are teenagers, they get a say in what they want to do. You will have firmly tell him, that this arrangement does not work for them and you will not tolerate any forms of manipulation so that his life is easier.

Tumbleweed101 · 31/10/2019 08:05

I’d be keeping the kids over Xmas - assuming they don’t want to go and don’t have close relationships with the extended step family and telling their dad to make New Years plans with the children instead.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 31/10/2019 08:06

YANBU

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2019 08:06

Tell him it'll be too much for the Mil and she needs to be able to focus on her own DGC. He can see your DC over New Year and make that special.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 31/10/2019 08:07

Also, he will get to spend Xmas with two of his kids anyway. Which is more than you would. He is being an utterly selfish arse! And of course your children would feel sidelined. They're teenagers, his new kids are toddlers and a baby so would naturally be demanding and get all the attention. It would be a shit Xmas for your kids. This seems to be all about what he wants (probably to erase a bit of guilt), but sorry, it's not about him. It's about what your kids want and what you want. He sounds like a right cock tbh.

Lovemusic33 · 31/10/2019 08:08

If it was his mother dying I would say YABU but it’s not, it’s his MIL, mother of other woman so not a relative to your dc’s. You dc are old enough to decide if they want to go or not and your ex should respect that they don’t want to go, my dc’s are the same age and they get to chose what they do for Christmas.

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2019 08:10

They are not your childrens actual grandparents, so I would say no.

OrchidInTheSun · 31/10/2019 08:11

No way would my kids spend their Christmas mourning the impending death of their stepmother's mother.

Does she want your children there? I can't imagine why she would

Isleepinahedgefund · 31/10/2019 08:12

I’d let the kids decide, then back them up.

scubadive · 31/10/2019 08:13

Don’t even consider it.

Why would you sacrifice your Xmas with your children for your ex’s new wife’s mum?? WTAF!

What is really going in here is that your husband is required to go to his MIL for Xmas and because he doesn’t want to miss his children he’s telling you h needs to take them with him as his MIL is ill.

Don’t fall for this. You’ve already said they are treated differently so MIL won’t be that bothered she is not related to them. As you have said, you can’t split Xmas this year so ex is using the situation to his advantage.

Why would you entertain the idea of your children spending Xmas without their mum so they can go somewhere they are not treated as equals. Think of your children.

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