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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2019 08:38

I bet this man has always put his own wishes ahead of everyone else's (and you should perhaps thank his new wife rather than disliking her as she's taken the bellend off your hands).
There is no benefit to anyone but the XH in this arrangement. The sick MIL doesn't want or need a couple of young teens she's not too close to visiting her over Xmas, the new wife probably doesn't want or need the extra work that minding two teenagers would involve when she's got a couple of toddlers of her own and her sick mother to worry about, and it would be no fun at all for your DC. I can't see the XH doing any of the additional work that accommodating your teens would involve, oh no, that will be all down to his wife and his MIL, who have enough to worry about.
Tell him it's not happening. You can, if you think it would work, say that you don't want your DC to impose on his wife and MIL at such a difficult time.

Sparkletastic · 31/10/2019 08:39

If the kids don't want to go it would be a flat no from me.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 08:39

Zampa - you seem to be missing the point that the person with cancer is no relation to the teens in question and very probably isn't interested in having said teens her house over Christmas whilst she has her "own" grandchildren by her daughter with her. This is to do with the ex's selfish requirements, not his new mil's.

Frouby · 31/10/2019 08:42

I would definetly say no.

Dress it up that you are considering the new wife and mil, they want to spend time as a family, while your dcs are technically family they are not blood relations. Suggest he sees them before he goes and when he is back and he can decide when those days are. But make out that he is doing a Great Thing by sacrificing his time with your dcs, and how proud you are that he is doing this. Also say your dcs don't feel able to cope with the illness.

Alternatively, if he kicks up a fuss you could also develop norovirus on the 23rd of December. Obviously you can't send them to a house full over Christmas with young dcs and a terminally ill woman can you? Just in case they also have Noro.

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/10/2019 08:42

I'd be saying no to that too. Especially given the kids ages and they have said they don't want to go.

AnotherEmma · 31/10/2019 08:43

That's a lot of adults wanting a lot of things and no one considering what's best for the children.

Unfortunately your ex is being a typical selfish separated dad prioritising himself and his new family over the children from his first relationship.

If it wasn't such a distance and they could just go for a day or two, it wouldn't be so bad.

I think your ex should

Zampa · 31/10/2019 08:44

the person with cancer is no relation to the teens in question

Irrelevant. We can love and care for people who are not related to us by blood.

very probably isn't interested in having said teens her house over Christmas

We have no idea whether this is true and is pure conjecture.

AnotherEmma · 31/10/2019 08:45

Argh hit post too soon!

I think your ex should let your children stay with you, focus on letting his new wife and kids spend quality time with her mum/their grandma, and see your children just before or just after Christmas. He could do something to make a it special like an outing of some kind.

ChippingInLovesAutumnLeaves · 31/10/2019 08:49

YANBU

Your kids don’t want to go.

It’s not like half a day where ‘sucking it up’ is expected

AllAnimalsAreEqual · 31/10/2019 08:50

We have no idea whether this is true and is pure conjecture.

Actually, we do know it’s true - if you read the full thread you’d see that the MIL only wants her daughter & grandchildren there.

OrchidInTheSun · 31/10/2019 08:50

Zampa, the OP says:

kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family

It's not pure conjecture to suggest the ex's MIL doesn't want them there at all.

If you're going to denigrate other posters, at least bother to read the OP

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 31/10/2019 08:51

YANBU.

Fookadook · 31/10/2019 08:52

The last thing your ex seems to be considering is that it’s your DC’s Christmas too.

cherryblossomgin · 31/10/2019 08:52

YANBU to say no. You also know the kids wouldn't enjoy it because they don't enjoy spending time with the step family. I remember Christmas with the step family and I hated it.

5LeafClover · 31/10/2019 08:53

If ex has form for being a 'bit of an arse' you need to be very clear about putting the centre of the arrangements for their Christmas back on them and their needs ( not on everyone bending to his will because they are afraid of his reaction). So, go with sympathy and best wishes to hisMIL but a straight 'no the kids want to carry on splitting their Christmas or if they can't, they prefer to spend it here'. Then give him an option for him to pick up from yours on boxing day or pay for boxing day train tickets for them or they will stay at yours. .Do not offer to drive. Support DC in asking for what they want rather than being dominated into placing their needs last.

5LeafClover · 31/10/2019 08:54

*back on your DC and their needs

Bellringer · 31/10/2019 08:54

Tell him to go, with love and best wishes from you all to him and his family. He should see your kids before, or when he comes back, or split his time.

IdiotInDisguise · 31/10/2019 08:55

I think you are very unreasonable. If you were in the same position, you would be asking for the same.

Splitting the Christmas holidays (like handing over the kids on the 25 or 26) only serves the selfishness of parents as the children don’t get to enjoy Christmas with either family.

I know of two mums who demand to have the kids always on Christmas morning, and dad presence is requested at 4 am in exwife house for gift opening on one of those cases. The mum gets what she wants, the kids are ferried around on Christmas Day, sometimes without part of the gifts so they do not get to enjoy the day with mum or dad. But it is fair, the kid is split in two and not exactly happy but it is ok, as the parents are happy.

Feel free to flame, but you need to accept that your kids are as part as that family as they are of yours, and they deserve to have time with granny on this occasion. You can always do a Christmas celebration on the 27th.

Leflic · 31/10/2019 08:55

Zampa I think it’s quite tricky to expect children to love and care for someone who randomly came into their life because their daughter was instrumental in their parents break up.
It’s Christmas and they don’t want to go. Frankly it sounds hard work for them regardless of whether a sick MIL wants them there or not.

I get the point of one last family Christmas but photos aside it’s a big ask for young teens to spend 5 days of their holiday on someone they don’t really know.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 31/10/2019 08:55

The compromise would be them splitting Christmas zampa, like usual. Which XH doesn't want.

SnowJon · 31/10/2019 08:58

I see the scowling mums out in force today. I hate this they are not part of the family crap. They are whether you like it or not.

Maybe the children want to go but dont want to hurt Mummy feelings.

JacquesHammer · 31/10/2019 08:58

IdiotInDisguise

That would be all well and good (and I say that as someone who splits the full xmas period NOT xmas day) if the children wanted to go. They don’t.

Enko · 31/10/2019 09:03

In this instance I would say that if spoken to the teens about what THEY want to do, AND I’ve considered the new children in so far as the mil is their gm and THEY deserve to spend uninterrupted/undiluted time with their gm in this difficult time. Yes they won’t know about it, but the mil will.

With all the above in mind, they won’t be spending Christmas with them this year - it’s too much to expect of them and of mil, so it’s a no. He can have them for extra time in the lead up or after, and you can alternate Christmas days as usual next year. It’s right that he puts his wife’s mother first this year, but your kids don’t have that same responsibility or obligation and given that they would rather not go, they need to be listened to.

Great advice from @Mzhz I would go with this line

@Zamba

Irrelevant. We can love and care for people who are not related to us by blood.
YES you 100% can and in some cases you can gain a entire additional set of grandparents. I was in that lucky case and my youngest daughter has the feminised version of my late dearly beloved "granddad" name for her middle name. I was loved cared for and 100% their grandchild. No blood involved but I was "theirs" However this is not what the OP is talking about. I am telling you if that had been either of my grandparents wild horses would not have kept me away from them for that possible last Christmas. However OP says her children doesn't want to go & don't feel welcome THAT is what to listen to..

OP I would also consider the other suggestion on this thread to start splitting Christmas by year.

StroppyWoman · 31/10/2019 09:03

Your XH is a CF. Tell him to do one.

WooMaWang · 31/10/2019 09:04

@IdiotInDisguise Loads of people do all sorts of chopping and changing on Christmas Day, whether both parents are still together or not. It's really, really common for kids to spend Christmas morning in one house and then drive to visit relatives. I did that throughout my childhood. Loads of people do.

Spending the morning with mum and afternoon with dad (or vice versa) does not 'ruin Christmas'. Loads of kids would actually choose this as an option.

Maybe the man you know wants to see his children open their presents on Christmas morning at his ex's house. You are clearly hearing his new partner's version of that story, but he may well choose to do it that way because he feels it's best for the children (and then tell his partner about his awful ex because that's what she wants to hear).

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