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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
Yestermo · 31/10/2019 07:33

I'm a steparent my DSS is close to my parents but no way on gods earth would we have suggested this.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 31/10/2019 07:33

DC is with her df for Christmas for those exact dates. The OW thing would give me the rage too but I just close my brain to the thoughts of what happens in his time and let them get on with it. I wouldn't want Christmas with randoms if it were me, but such is the life of the child of divorced parents unfortunately.

IceAndASlice123 · 31/10/2019 07:34

She isn't their family.
They do not want to be there.
This isn't about what the children want at Christmas

Absolutely no way are you being U.

Artesia · 31/10/2019 07:36

Agree with a couple of PPs above- exH is now married to OW. If I think about it too much, it makes my blood boil, but the bottom line is that she (and, by extension, her wider family) is now part of DS’s family, whether I like it or not.

Beamur · 31/10/2019 07:37

Sorry, just seen your kids are young teens. The fact that they don't want to do this is really important. They are old enough to choose.

bigdecisionstomake · 31/10/2019 07:38

I think if they're early teens it is the children's decision about what they do and from what you've said they won't enjoy being with step family for Xmas. I know it is difficult if they tend to do what ex says for fear of upsetting him so if it was me I would speak to them alone and make it clear that they get to make this decision and you and ex will abide by it. If they then decide to stay with you you can be firm with ex that them going away with him is not happening because that is what the children have decided. I would also point out to ex that MIL is ill and having additional people to cater for and host is not in her best interests. I do however appreciate that ex partners do not always play fair however....

CodenameVillanelle · 31/10/2019 07:39

Absolutely not. This is a ridiculous idea given the kids' ages. Just say no thanks.

YouJustDoYou · 31/10/2019 07:39

This isn't fair on them, to put them through a Christmas of tears, depression, and someone they don't really know dying, where they have to tiptoe around. They are old enough to decide what they want to do.

FamilyOfAliens · 31/10/2019 07:40

It's one year to make a dying woman happy.

Where does the OP say her ex’s MIL is dying?

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 31/10/2019 07:40

Another 'not a fucking Chance' to join the chorus.

I'm surprised at how selfish some of you are being. Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families. If this was my mum i'd be devastated if you said no. It's one year to make a dying woman happy.

You would send two kids, who don't want to go, 400 miles across the country, to take part in a Christmas where they will be second class citizens, in the house of a woman who is dying who had no link to them (other than her daughter shagging someone else's husband)? The step mum is welcome to go, with her own children, her husband's kids don't want to.

aweedropofsancerre · 31/10/2019 07:43

I would tell him that given the difficult circumstances that his wife’s family are going through and the reason for the xmas all together that it wouldn’t be appropriate for your DC to be part of that so they will be staying with you this year. It would be too much of emotionally charged environment which two teens don’t need to be part of

HerkyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:43

YANBU. Your children have the right to choose at that age .

Applesanbananas · 31/10/2019 07:43

Yanbu. dont even get into a discussion with him over it. No need to justify anything. She isnt family!

chamenanged · 31/10/2019 07:45

I'm surprised at how selfish some of you are being. Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families.

Eh? Who's asking the step mum to give up any time with her family Confused and obviously step parents have to 'accommodate' actual parents, especially about stuff like Christmas plans. Why on Earth would they have equal footing?

Also it seems unlikely that OP put a gun to the stepmum's head to make her have an affair with her husband, in fact I expect she was somewhat put out by it. She shouldn't be expected to be remotely arsed if the woman's 'devastated' to not have her stepkids for all of Christmas or not (she won't be).

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 31/10/2019 07:46

Stick to you're guns op and listen to your dc theybdont want to go andie would be miserable for them.

Raphael34 · 31/10/2019 07:47

Is her illness terminal op? Personally I wouldn’t want my children there for that long even if they WERE related. Why should children have to suffer the trauma of watching their stepmothers mother slowly die over Christmas? I can’t imagine anything more miserable or depressing. Someone needs to put these kids first, because their father isn’t

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 31/10/2019 07:47

I'm surprised at how selfish some of you are being. Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families.It's one year to make a dying woman happy.

There's nothing to suggest the DCs presence would make XH MIL happy. If they've felt neglected before it may even be that she doesn't particularly like having them there. Her desires aren't the only explanation for why XH has asked for this, it's also a possibility that him and new wife just don't want him to have to do the drive.

It's also wrong to see this as something that's simply within the gift of the adults, that early teens get no autonomy at all and are merely passed around, claimed and sacrificed according to the feelings of their parents. That's actually a fairly awful concept.

dottiedodah · 31/10/2019 07:49

I would simply refuse TBH. Its not really your problem .The children come first here ,and they want to stay with you .Obviously it is sad but as you say he probably wouldnt do the same for you!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 07:49

YANBU. Just say no. He's being extremely selfish. I'd say no decisively on behalf of your children so they don't land up in disagreement with their father and in a position where they're afraid he might take it out on them - shoulder the "blame" squarely yourself, as fat lot you care about what he thinks of you!

Chamomileteaplease · 31/10/2019 07:49

Stay on this thread while you say no to him. It may give you strength.

Taking the kids away for a few days is bad enough, for someone else's family is even worse and to a place they are not even going to enjoy is just ridiculous.

I am so happy for you that you are no longer with this man!

NewName73 · 31/10/2019 07:50

If the kids are teenagers they are old enough to decide for themselves and let their Dad know what they want to do.

aweedropofsancerre · 31/10/2019 07:51

Oh and unless the MIL has been given a terminal diagnosis she may live for a number of years and / or be cured. My DH has been diagnosed and they are trying to cure him, cancer doesn’t always equate to quick death . So don’t let him try the emotional blackmail

GruciusMalfoy · 31/10/2019 07:52

YANBU.

Your kids are old enough to have voiced their opinion to you, I'd tell your ex they don't feel comfortable going there for that length of time. Why should their Christmas be spent feeling out of place because it suits their father?

It would be entirely different if it was their grandmother, or if they were made to feel part of their step mum's family (and wanted to go).

Rainbowhairdontcare · 31/10/2019 07:54

Given that their step grandmother is not close to them I don't see the point

However, although very technically they're all still family, but it's really down to the internal dynamics of the extended step family.

My MIL is great with my DD and doesn't make her feel any less than her other grand children. But that's not the case here.

Original poster
VivienScott · 31/10/2019 07:55

I don’t know if it’s terminal. I keep being told by ex (who is known to exaggerate or twist truth to suit his needs) that it’s “very serious”. But with him, that could mean anything.
Ex’s mil wants ex’s wife (her daughter) there and kids, ex’s wife wants my ex, her husband there, ex wants to see kids over Xmas so wants kids with him all Xmas.

OP posts:
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