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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to have a vasectomy

247 replies

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 31/10/2019 00:21

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

OP posts:
SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 31/10/2019 00:23

Does he actually want to do it or is he just telling you want you want to hear?

PlaymobilPirate · 31/10/2019 00:24

Dp has one a month ago after putting it off for years. I can't take the pill, didn't want a coul and we'd taken yoo many silly risks and I worried every month.

It was done in 15 minutes. He had zero pain and wishes he'd done it years ago.

Jimdandy · 31/10/2019 06:49

Why don’t you get sterilised?

Heulog · 31/10/2019 07:00

It's his body and ultimately his decision. And for some men (my DH included) it was not pain free and he was not able to work for a couple of weeks afterwards. Yes the risks are less than it would be for you to do it, but that doesn't mean there are no risks. Fwiw, my DH getting sterilised was something I did not support, and it threw a great big wedge into our marriage for some time,because there's also the emotional unpacking to do afterwards, first time a friend announces they are pregnant/first time you visit a newborn etc. Those things can be hard when you know you are finished having babies, let alone when the option is permanently taken away from you.

swingofthings · 31/10/2019 07:01

I don't get the 'I won't have sex until you do something'. It sounds like blackmail to me, but also, it sounds like it's a punishment that only affects him, as if you have sex just to make him happy. It's quite a message to pass on.

How about instead agreeing to take 10 mns one day to call the GP to make an appointment. You then go with him (assuming he doesn't want to go alone) and take it from there so that it's something you are doing together, rather than expecting him to just get on with it just to please you.

ChilledBee · 31/10/2019 07:10

Yes my husband would probably never have sex with me again if I gave him an ultimatum like that. If you don't want any more kids, you can ask to be sterilised.

Tableclothing · 31/10/2019 07:11

What are you using for contraception at the moment?

SmileCheese · 31/10/2019 07:12

Well yes you are being unreasonable because you are basically blackmailing your DH with the stupid idea of if you want sex first you must do as I say.

By all means broach the subject again and say you will no longer be responsible for contraception or look into getting sterilised if you are sure you are finished having children. Ultimately however, you cannot force another person to have surgery. It is one thing to say he will have a vasectomy and quite another to put the idea into practice.

scaevola · 31/10/2019 07:23

I think that anything that could be construed (or misconstrued) as pressure is wring.

The key thing here is that he has agreed in the past.

Did he actually mean it, or was he saying 'yes, yes' to make the issue go away. If he did really mean it, then make an appointment for him (go with him if necessary).

Remember that, despite being carried out under local, it is still surgery and has a 10% risk of the serious side effects (source: NHS, others pt it higher; serious means painful, enduring and need significant intervention to treat (further surgery) or are untreatable even by de-nervation). If it turns out that actually he does not want a procedure with those risks, then it is his body and his choice.

If he does go ahead, check likely waiting times, be aware that it usually takes 8-16 weeks to test clear and can take longer. You'll also need to decide on contraception for what could easily be another year

If NHS lists really are dire in your area, then consider private eg at a Marie Stopes. It's not that expensive, and the doctors are performing vasectomies a couple of days every week, making them considerable more skilled than a GP who offers it, thus reducing (though not eliminating) risk of operator error

ShiveringCoyote · 31/10/2019 07:28

Sex is how babies are made so if I didn't want anymore and dh didn't want to get the snip I wouldn't want to have sex. Lots of other things to do besides PIV.

Women are routinely denied and pushed towards contraception when they ask for a tubal ligation. So saying why don't you is not as simple.

misspiggy19 · 31/10/2019 07:30

but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

YABVU. Blackmailing him to have a vasectomy.

Parky04 · 31/10/2019 07:32

I will not have a vasectomy and do not expect the DW to be sterilised. We use condoms and are happy with that. If your DH will not have a vasectomy or wear condoms then he is being unreasonable. You do not mention what protection you are currently using.

Roselilly36 · 31/10/2019 07:33

YABU

ShatnersWig · 31/10/2019 07:36

YABU. End of.

Suxurblood2eatuthen · 31/10/2019 07:37

It sounds like desperation rather than blackmail.
I've had 3 children, all were difficult pregnancies and all births wound up with me having major surgeries or injuries. This has take a toll on my body with permanent effects
I've asked my partner get the quick procedure instead of me having another invasive op.
Being sterilised isn't a fair swap of procedures compared to a vasectomy.
My partner has also done nothing about it and it has put me off sex🤷🏻‍♀️
Contraception isn't just up to a woman

Original poster
shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 31/10/2019 07:39

Lol yes reading the responses you are all of course right. The I'm not having sex until... is absolutely inappropriate and something I have never used in any other context. However it wasn't used as a form of blackmail. It was said because I'm tired of worrying about pregnancy and having sex creates babies. I took the pill for years but after two babies and years of fake hormones I felt it was time to allow my body to regulate. Which means we have taken far too many silly risks along the way.

So the 'no sex' thing isn't going to stick and he and I both know it. As for forcing him to have a v? I honestly wouldn't do that but he has said clearly that he wants to do it. I'm not forcing him in any way but I do want him to take it seriously enough to speak to the doctor. To just make that first appointment. It's a long way from the first appt to being in the clear and I'm fully aware that we are looking a year down the road even if he does decide to move forwards with it.

FWIW, I had a lovely night out last night with a friend and came home somewhat tipsy! No idea why else I thought discussing this on MN was a good idea! BlushConfused

OP posts:
Ginandtonic31 · 31/10/2019 07:41

I don't think you can or should force him. How old is he? My mum got sterilised and made a very good point as to why she did. She said she knew categorically she didn't want anymore children, but, god forbid, if something happened to her and my dad went on to meet someone else, she wanted him to have the option to have children together if they wanted. Maybe a strange outlook but it did make sense to me.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 31/10/2019 07:42

I can understand why you find it frustrating if he is ah years saying he will do it but he’d very does. But your reaction wasn’t your finest moment. Maybe when he comes home you should he have a conversation about why it hasn’t happened yet?

Original poster
shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 31/10/2019 07:44

Also I would appreciate some feedback on people that have had (or partner/husband) has had vasectomy. Did you regret it? Was it painful? Was it successful? Was it the best thing ever?

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 31/10/2019 07:46

Why not get sterilised yourself?

scaevola · 31/10/2019 07:49

DH took a full year before he got the 'all clear' which is considerably longer than typical, but well within the 'this sometimes happens' bracket. But otherwise he was fine.

Feeling rather crap/delicate in the undercarriage for a week or two is pretty common, but some lucky men don't even have that.

If you want a first hand account of what happens when it really goes wrong, search MN for posts by TheFuzz.

Autumn101 · 31/10/2019 07:50

Obviously you know you can’t blackmail him into it but try having another proper discussion. Not about a vasectomy in particular but about contraception and the future, express your concerns etc. It has to be a considered decision and he has to be happy with it.

DH had it about 18 months ago - we’d known for a couple of years before that we didn’t want anymore children but agreed to leave it a while just incase! Were both 100% ready, he was absolutely fine afterwards and it’s been a huge relief! Haven’t experienced any emotional fallout from it as a pp suggested

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2019 07:51

You have the right to say no to sex for any reason.
You have the right to use/not use different modes of contraception for any reason (as long as there's no deception)
He has the right to say yes or no to a vasectomy for any reason.

Throwing down 'no sex until he makes the appointment' in the context of your conversation feels very much like blackmail and using sex as a weapon which is out of order.

You need to have a calm conversation and discuss the issues without weaponising sex and take it from there.

Autumn101 · 31/10/2019 07:52

Per your questions DH was uncomfy and swollen for a few days, ibuprofen regularly was enough. Within a week he was pretty much back to normal, full back to normal and usual sex life within 2 weeks.

It’s been great for our sex life too 😉

JacquesHammer · 31/10/2019 07:53

I think if pregnancy is a disaster then abstaining is sensible.

How does he feel about condoms.

To be honest if he can’t be arsed to even make an appointment to discuss, I think he’s being very selfish. Especially if he keeps saying “yeah yeah”.

If he had a problem with it and he was honest it would be different but basically he’s being lazy. Tell him laziness isn’t attractive.

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