To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Fear of getting pregnant and not wanting to have an invasive operation/hormonal contraception is - IMO - perfectly acceptable grounds to refuse sex. And I usually hate it being used as a bargaining chip.

You do have to be prepared to actually not have sex though! Perhaps it’ll push him to either do it or admit he doesn’t really want to do it so you can explore other avenues.

Some posters on here don’t reallise that female sterilisation is not readily available, most GPs try to dissuade patients against it and there are long waiting times, and is a major op. Male sterilisation seems to be more easily available and most men are back at work after a day.

Hmm, I can understand why not wanting sex until things are "sorted", but the mature thing to do would be to explain your fears, and he either wears barrier protection, does what you've asked, or you get the steralisation.

DH had a vasectomy about 3 years ago. He had a little discomfort for a few days, but no actual pain, and neither he nor I have regretted it.

Male sterilisation seems to be more easily available and most men are back at work after a day.

The "advertised" rate of men suffering chronic long term pain or complications following a vasectomy is 10% from memory but there are some studies that believe it to be higher. if you know someone who has had serious complications, people would be far less inclined to refer to it as a "snip" and that it's perfectly safe.

Some of TheFuzz's posts over the years have been eyeopening to a lot of people who just assumed it was just this simple little thing, a man may feel uncomfortable for a day or two, and he should just "man up". I know someone who had complications to the extent that the constant pain was such that he completely lost his sex drive or even willingness to have sex. His wife, who pressured him into it and refused to consider sterilisation herself, of course left him as a result. He's been suicidal several times.

That is an extreme case, but I think it's right that people are a little less blase about vasectomies as a whole and treat it a bit more seriously than most people do. It's still surgery, with risks and potential complications.

DH had a vasectomy after we had our second child, straightforward hospital day procedure under local anaesthetic performed by a surgeon, had some discomfort for a day or two and had to test afterwards to ensure no live sperm. 6 years on and no issues or problems at all. He doesn't regret it at all.

My exh wanted to get one. I was happy with that as I didnt want more.

OP I get how you feel. I do.

But the problem is forcing someone to be stabilised is morally wrong. You know that.

You can be stabilised and I understand people will come along say that's a fat worse operation that a vasectomy. Which is true.

However, I went to all exhs appointments and with him on the day. Both gp and the doctor who performed it were very clearly. Vasectomy has a long list of complications. Including the tubes joining back up and becoming fertile again.

They were also very clear that complications, both mild and severe are very under reported. After exhs I can see why. Exh suffered a small complication whole having it done and was in a lot if pain for a couple of days. But even now, 7 years later he gets pain in his groin area. Sometimes mild, sometimes it takes his breath away and he cant move for a few moments.

He has never been back to the doctors about it. Apparantly, many men dont go back to the doctors to discuss things, when they are s in pain, experiencing ed problems etc post vasectomy.

So it's a gamble. Side effects unknown, the rate they accrue are unknown. But then lots of men have it and are fine.

But you could apply that to female sterilisation. I have seen women post that they have been fine with days, post op. Some that have terrible complications. As with all surgery (even small ops) theres risks and no one can say wether it's going to be good or not.

DH had a vasectomy 6 months ago. My copper coil was causing horribly heavy periods and we had agreed it would be his turn next once I'd had enough of it.

The procedure was fine. He took a taxi home, didn't even want me there. He was sore that night once the anesthetic wore off. A few days of painkillers and he was okay. He was playing hockey after a week and skiing after 2.

But you could apply that to female sterilisation

It is very difficult to get female sterilisation in a lot of PCTs. Plus of course it is a much more invasive operation than vasectomy.

The OP’s husband wouldn’t be unreasonable to turn down surgery he doesn’t want. However he should also understand that may affect his sex life.

What a weird set of responses. I assume you've been responsible for contraception for the last 14 years (which I'm sure come with their complications and side effects) so it's simple team work to ask him to now do his fair share. Nearly all of our friends have done this - woman has taken pill/coil/ injections in their 20s 30s 40s, then the man steps up and does his bit. Seems fair to me.

It is very difficult to get female sterilisation in a lot of PCTs. Plus of course it is a much more invasive operation than vasectomy.

That was my point. It can be more invasive. But that's comparing both procedures, when they go well, side by side.

Both are a gamble. Yes it can be more difficult to have done. Not impossible though.

OH had a vasectomy at 40 and has erectile dysfunction since which is irreparable. There are some risks with any surgery - discuss and weigh up so you can both agree an informed decision.

Yes it can be more difficult to have done. Not impossible though

I first went to start the process in 2014. I was in my 30s, single, infertile with one child. The actual reason for my refusal “you might meet a man and change your mind”.

My BIL, same age as me, no children went the same year to have a vasectomy. He wasn’t told he might change his mind and had his within months.

I’m still waiting and pressing for mine.

@Heulog you’ve got to be joking.

You have absolutely no right in telling him to have it done. And banning sex? Jesus you are nice.

Get sterilised.

You have absolutely no right in telling him to have it done. And banning sex? Jesus you are nice

Now read the OP carefully 🙄

mclover
It isn't tit for tat.
There's a whole range of contraception options available. A couple makes whatever choices are right for those in the relationship.
One person can't then turn around later and say "so we chose to use the pill over condoms and because I took the pill you should have surgery".

Both parties in a relationship have bodily autonomy. That doesn't change later in the relationship. A man doesn't owe someone a vasectomy.

@JacquesHammer my exh had to go through the line of questioning that you did. I has to go because the go wasnt willing to do it, unless his wide was happy.

Can you imagine a woman having to have their husbands permission? Maybe it does happen? Its wrong.

Can I ask (absolutely not being a dick) but if you are infertile, why would they sterilise you? Or do you mean you thought you were before you had your child? I am just a bit confused.

Can I ask (absolutely not being a dick) but if you are infertile, why would they sterilise you?

Very long story short but it’s “unexplained fertility”, so (a) obviously I would be foolish to rely on it as contraception but (b) I need it to access further treatment.

And yes, I can imagine having to get a husband’s permission. That’s why I can’t bloody get one, I haven’t got the man to give the “little woman” permission.

I’m with you op, very similar situation, dh makes the right noises about getting a vasectomy but never actually follows through, he did get as far as seeing the doctor but they never got back to him so he uses that as an excuse for not having done it for far. Consequently he gets very little sex as there’s no way I’m getting pregnant at 47 and I’ve done my fair share of the contraception bit.

You could get the mirena coil instead? It's over 99% effective.

If you don’t want anymore children then you can make the same choice for yourself. That way you are in control and can do ASAP.

@JacquesHammer thank you for answering. That makes sense. I think its awful that men or women should have ri have their spouses permission for this. Exh really had to fight to get his.

Ironic, as his now girlfriend would like him to have it reversed.

DH had a vasectomy at 35 a couple of months after unplanned DC4 was born. He went to book it while on paternity leave.

We discussed me being sterilised but it would have meant waiting until I was no longer breastfeeding and seeing as I got pregnant with DC4 while breastfeeding DC3 (weren't relying on that as contraception obviously) understandably he didn't want to wait.

He had no issues with the operation or afterwards, just some slight discomfort. However since then he's learned that he has a strong family history of prostate cancer, many male relatives have died from it.
There is apparently a small risk that a vasectomy raises the risk of him getting a type of prostate cancer and given his family history he is regretting having done that.

YANBU

I get pregnant at the drop of a hat. After 3 difficult pregnancies and births, 2 miscarriages, 10 years on the pill, bad reaction to more a coil and yet another pregnancy scare I told DH it was a) risk having more kids b) get the snip or c) no more penetrative sex.
My body had been damaged enough.
The vasectomy was quick and he was totally fine.