To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

Now I realise giving a "no sex" ultimatum is only an option for people who never liked sex to begin with

Really? You can't conceive (pun intended) of any circumstances in which someone might say "no sex under the current conditions"? The only thing that people who like sex would ever say is "well I'd rather we were using protection but since you can't be arsed, never mind the pregnancy/STI/whatever risk, let's go!"

OP, you say 'DP', so I'm guessing 14 years and you're not married? Sorry but yes it does count and since he hasn't made a commitment to you, I wouldn't ask him to have a vasectomy. He may want to have children with someone else down the track. I believe in vasectomies as it is nowhere near as invasive for men. For e.g women have to go into hospital, men can have the snip in 20 minutes at the local doctor's surgery. However, if he won't commit to you then I wouldn't be worried about him having a vasectomy or not.

This is in line with the general principle which is accepted elsewhere in medicine to treat surgery as a last resort after conservative options have failed

The general principle doesn’t usually require someone else to try methods with varying seriousness of side effects before surgery is considered...

I would hope a decent man would actually make themselves aware of them.

@JacquesHammer

The general principle doesn’t usually require someone else to try methods with varying seriousness of side effects before surgery is considered...

The difference is that if you decide it isn't a good option, you can take off a condom, take out a diaphragm, remove an implant or remove an IUD and go on to try something else.

If you get surgery and then are unhappy with the result, too bad. They cut out part of your body and threw it away in the medical waste bag. You are stuck with whatever nerve damage you have and might not be able to sit anymore without pain. If you have a perforated bowel from salpingectomy you can't just put things back the way they were. If you have an exaggerated immune response to the sperm that continues being made, you are really up a creek at that point.

I think it's definitely a good idea to sit down properly, say that you know you've talked about this before and he's said he would want to get one, and that you now feel that it's something you need to look into in more detail together. Options for you and him, so that you can make a proper decision about what you want to do as a couple.

I'm 36, have 2 kids (4 and 5), and DH had a vasectomy last year (i think..might have been year before). He's not had any problems since, although yes there is the chance of some occurring. Overall he is very happy he had it done. He was in pain for a few days after, but nothing over the counter medication couldn't handle, along with some rest.

We're both very relieved now that we don't have to worry about pregnancy. I did worry before hand a little, in case we decided we wanted more, but practically we just wouldn't manage with more. We don't have family support and I get very ill in pregnancy, so just couldn't go through that again, and no could DH or the kids. I also wont take hormonal contraception, after having an awful time on the pill years ago. I had the copper coil pre-kids (which is a non-hormonal version, so could be something to consider), however it did cause very heavy and painful periods for me, and I didn't want to deal with that again post children. Thankfully DH was fully on board with things.

It's definitely something you should consider and discuss properly, so you're both on the same page

@TreePeepingWatcher

Anyone collated the thousands of stories of the long term complications of either pregnancy or childbirth?

I hope someone is doing this. As we both know, pregnancy is a VERY dangerous thing to go through, with high rate of morbidity.

That is why it would be extremely wrong for a man to insist that his partner bear a child for him if it were not something that she wanted to do. I would certainly condemn such a man, and would consider him to be much worse than a woman who demands that her husband get a surgery that he doesn't want.

The difference is that if you decide it isn't a good option, you can take off a condom, take out a diaphragm, remove an implant or remove an IUD and go on to try something else

The current wait list to get an IUD removed at our surgery is 6 months. That’s on top of the 6 months you’re required to “try” it before they’re willing to contemplate removing.

Requiring a women to pump her body full of hormones before a man is willing to consider a vasectomy is a great contraception method for me - I would find it so unattractive I wouldn’t want to sleep with them!

He clearly doesn't want to do it though if he keeps procrastinating- obviously contraception is the responsibility of both of you- have you considered getting snipped instead?

DH had a vasectomy last year - there was a slight complication and it took a bit longer than normal to heal (he told people it was a sports injury causing him to stagger about! )
We still don't know if it's been successful or not after nearly a year despite him sending two samples off now so be aware it can take a while.

I have a mirena coil at the moment- I'm on medication that means it would be dangerous to get pregnant so we aren't taking any chances but it will be nice to have the option to go hormone free!

I would also absolutely be sterilised however they don't offer it on the NHS in my area and we can't afford to go private.

@JacquesHammer

Requiring a women to pump her body full of hormones before a man is willing to consider a vasectomy is a great contraception method for me - I would find it so unattractive I wouldn’t want to sleep with them!

Your are entitled to your feelings of course, but when you do not show respect for your partner's bodily autonomy you take also significant personal risk. If you emotionally blackmail your partner into getting surgery and they happen to roll snake eyes and get a permanent complication, it could destroy your marriage -- or at least convert it into an unhappy, resentful marriage. So even from a purely selfish standpoint, it may be in your own best interest to use a light touch.

Your are entitled to your feelings of course, but when you do not show respect for your partner's bodily autonomy you take also significant personal risk. If you emotionally blackmail your partner into getting surgery and they happen to roll snake eyes and get a permanent complication, it could destroy your marriage -- or at least convert it into an unhappy, resentful marriage

I’m asking for “consideration”.

But if pregnancy is a disaster, abstaining is sensible. That isn’t emotional blackmail, ANYBODY can choose not to have sex for any reason. Ironically the pill can kill libido anyway, which would result in little sex.

But if pregnancy is a disaster, abstaining is sensible.

Yes, I agree. Consent for sex can be withdrawn at any time. We should all respect that as fundamental, and by itself it is not any kind of trespass on the man's bodily autonomy or rights.

Abstinence could also be used as a communication tool, just as words can be used as a communication tool, to express contempt for the man. That is what I was referring to as problematic and potentially dangerous to the union.

If a man chooses not to get a vasectomy because he is concerned about the side effects, that is his choice. No one else gets a vote about what surgery a person consents to. To express contempt, or try to punish him is wrong.

Saying "I am not comfortable taking on the very real risk of having PIV sex with you" is entirely justified and not an expression of derision.

Now I realise giving a "no sex" ultimatum is only an option for people who never liked sex to begin with

This is all beginning to remind me of secondary school in the 90s, when telling an arse of a fellow pupil that you didn't want to shag him meant you were "frigid" or "a lezzer". Their terms, not mine. It was a truly elevated standard of discourse and I'm glad we've replicated those dizzying heights here.

well I'd rather we were using protection but since you can't be arsed, never mind the pregnancy/STI/whatever risk, let's go!"

No they'd say since you won't agree on a LT contraceptive method, we're over as I'm not having a sexless relationship.

My DH just had a vasectomy today. We have DS age two and DD who is 9 weeks. It started off as a bit of a joke between us then proceeded to us sitting down, having a conversation where we both agreed we were happy with two. I found the place but purposely let DH make the booking.

Can you sit down away from the house and any distractions and get to the bottom of why he isn’t keen. Does he want more kids..is he thinking it is something he will get around too..is he worried about the procedure itself etc. I think finding out the reason and listening is better then any ultimatum. Then go from there.

Don’t let it become an you vs me debate. You need come to a compromise that works for you both. If he is worried about the procedure itself I was able to sit my DH through the whole thing and we laughed and joked the whole time. He had zero pain.

Find out his reason before jumping to a ultimatum.

Good luck.

OH initially said no to the idea, then a few months later booked himself in to get it done. He thought about it for a bit and then realised it was a no-brainer. Six months later I had to have a hysterectomy - so belt and braces here!!

Honestly I do not see it as unreasonable to want to avoid sex if the chance of pregnancy is there. It is your body that will primarily be affected. But.....female sterilisation is a much bigger deal than vasectomy, so he needs to think about this. He cannot just offload all the responsibility onto you.

This has been a really interesting and on the most part informative and helpful thread so thanks to all the posters for that. As mentioned previously my OP was probably a little more 'ultimatum' like than our actual reality. Of course I won't be withholding sex as a weapon in my arsenal though it's clear we need to have a good chat about the future. Pregnancy remains a very real and unwanted consideration (and I'm still a few days late with no sign of p!)

To @SarahNade, I find your comments a little offensive to be honest. Being married is not the only way in which one expresses commitment to a relationship and the fact you have assumed he won't marry me is a reflection of you, not me and DP. In fact we are engaged and have been for several years but I have delayed the marriage due to other commitments in our life that took precedent. I have no concerns over our commitment to each other and this relationship.

I am reading all the responses and it has definitely opened my eyes to both the seriousness/finality of a vasectomy and also to sterilisation. Neither is on or off the table though all hormonal contraceptives most definitely are not an option for me. I will be having a proper conversation with the OH about how we feel it's best to proceed. Perhaps it will be for now we accept good old fashioned condoms.

I had a vasectomy with Marie stopes. It was fine, quick and easy.
Is your DH normally the type to get things done? If so he clearly isn't really up for it.
If not, help him out and book with/ for him

We were in a similar life situation to you,. Then my period was 3 days late and DH was horror stricken at the thought of going back to the baby days. That was enough of a jolt to move from talking about a vasectomy to sorting it out and getting it done. He was home within 2 hours of the op, and didn't have any problems other than being sensitive for a few days.

That sounds like a great plan OP. It sounds like you can see how your original post sounded like an ultimatum whereas a sensible chat between you both where you both look at things (including the implications on your sex life for different options) is a really good way forward.

I hope it goes well.

Ginandtonic31. I got sterilised for the exact same reason as your mum. I had my 3rd child at age 22 and knew I did not want any more. My op was 3 days after ds was born. I'm 66 now and have never regretted it for a single moment

For the people suggesting that the OP have sterilization, its next to impossible to get for a woman, I have been trying for years, I cannot take hormonal contraception due to health issues, my body pitched a fit at the copper coil and I ended up in the hospital with a severe infection.

its totally put me off any form of sex- and will continue to until such a point as its done- my ex refused to get a V, partially why he's an ex, as I was fed up of me always having to be the one at risk of pregnancy, or remembering to make sure he used it -

Stop suggesting the women always have to have the drastic procedures!!! they are near impossible to be referred for, and much more invasive than the snip!!

DH took himself off to get a vasectomy about 5 years ago, of his volition, when we knew our family was complete.

I didn't need to ask him. He offered, and was perfectly willing to take the 'risk' (minuscule, compared to anything I'd faced), because he is a decent, caring, loving husband, who was more than happy to step up to the plate in the contraception department.

He had seen me go through two pregnancies and childbirths, and figured it was his turn.

He was in and out, and now we have easy, uncomplicated sex, with no worry or risk of pregnancy.

I think any man who does any less is beyond pathetic - and make no apology whatsoever for my stance.

It's my absolute unapologetic position to think that any man who procrastinates, whines about the (relative to women's) low risks, and whinges and reneges is a sub-standard man, and I judge them whole-heartedly.

If your man falls into this latter category and you want to come on here and whine at how nasty I'm being, then bring it.

And to any man opting out on the 'my body, my choice' card - you're the weaseliest, lowest of the low. By opting out of any risk whatsoever, you force your partner to take the full risk load, and for that you should expect to be judged and found completely wanting.

Good luck OP - I hope your DP proves himself to be the decent type, willing to just get on and do it.

Mines booked in. I’ve had three live births plus multiple losses. I’ve been on various hormonal contraception for years. I want to give my body a brake from being forced into an unnatural state via hormones. The options where no sex, condoms or vasectomy. Neither of us want no sex or condoms so dh got booked in and had the date within two weeks with the appointment within a month of that letter.