To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

@TooMuch87 if you RTFT or at least my subsequent comments I am most definitely not withholding sex as a form of punishment or emotional abuse. I was talking about preventing pregnancy as I am tired of worrying about it. However as you will see the conversation moved on from OP anyway to be a broader conversation about permanent options of contraception and the pros and cons of doing so. But just to reiterate to newcomers on this thread. I am not beating DP with a stick demanding he have his balls chopped immediately and forcing him into anything. I did however consider stopping full intercourse until we could find a better solution because, and this is really important, I DONT WANT ANY MORE BABIES.

Fwiw I am now on day 35 with no menstruation. Just taken of test with neg result which is a massive relief. I don't want this feeling anymore. And I don't want the torn vag I was left with getting any worse from a third labour and yes to those asking, the damage from childbirth is permanent and does cause me pain. I have an area on my Peronism that never fully heals because of the way my anatomy pulls against the skin. It is always painful if I catch it and sometimes it hurts during sex. But it's all just part of the deal and I live with it

I haven't been pissed off on this thread but honestly I am hanging by a thread with these 'woe is me' types trying to argue childbirth is easier and less risk than vasectomy. I don't know a single woman that doesn't have some kind of lasting effect be that physical, mental or both, from child birth and botched contraception options. It's fucking insane how much female bodies go through from all this and how little men know about it.

Rant over, happy Friday night peeps

You don't need to explain yourself to people who can't even be arsed to RTFT, shouldhavecalleditoatabix.

We totally get it.

Look, bottom line: it's men's semen that's at the heart of this issue. Any man in a long-term relationship, knowing his family is done, who refuses to have a vasectomy (because ooh, scary), and expects to have PIV sex (that full combination of factors), really is the lowest of the low - in my humble opinion - and doesn't deserve any respect.

Am inclined to Agree

OP no explanations needed

Mr OP go for it ....you won't look back

shouldhavecalleditoatabix

The point you make about not knowing about the other sexes bodies, should resonate with everyone.

Not enough is said about what the body goes through or the consequences of what the body goes through.

But then even when it is pointed out very few listen.

In as much as my DH 'expects' me to risk my health for his benefit.

I had to risk my health, because we agreed to have children together.

Did you only have a child for his benefit then? You didn't want to have a child?

And sorry, but a 10% chance of suffering a complication shouldn't be minimised. That's a high risk for something that offers the person at risk no benefit.

Mr OP go for it ....you won't look back

And if he's the 1 in 10?

Any man in a long-term relationship, knowing his family is done, who refuses to have a vasectomy

Maybe he doesn't think his family is done?

Here we go - again.

No. We both wanted children. 100% of the risk fell to me, though.

So - when my husband had the opportunity to take some of the risk load, he offered and happily took it.

9 out of 10 men are juuust fine after a vasectomy.

Once again - to reiterate: it's men's semen that's at the heart of the issue.

And if he's the 1 in 10?

He's unlikely to be, isn't he?!

He's much more likely to he the 9 in 10.

Hey my dh has had a vasectomy he was 25 when he had his done and completely his choice, we had spoken about it in depth as for us it was the only 100% solution for no more risk of having children, we have 2 children dd-4 and ds- 2 at the end of November. Yes he’s a lot younger than most men who are granted a vasectomy however due to having 2 high risk pregnancies and both nearly killing me it was agreed it was for the best. We went in to see our doctor explained every reason why he wanted it we then got a referral, he had a phone consultation again basically going through the same stuff they were making sure it was 100% what he wanted and they went through exactly what would happen on the day,
When it came to the op day it literally took 20 minutes to complete he didn’t have to be under general anaesthetic and he was up and able to walk around in half an hour, was a bit sore for a few days but other than that everything went smoothly (and the best part was they offered me to watch them perform the procedure 😂😂) he’s had no side effects and was back to normal about a week after his procedure! Although obviously I couldn’t say that everyone else’s would go smoothly, Hope this helps with some info xx

Well

If you don't live on the edge....you're taking up too much space

Keep thing of that UB40 tune

"I am a 1 in 10"

Sorry

Once again - to reiterate: it's men's semen that's at the heart of the issue.

Not really

Men and women want to have sex.

That if anything is the root cause.

Once again - to reiterate: it's men's semen that's at the heart of the issue.

Is it? Nothing else required to have a baby then?

No. We both wanted children. 100% of the risk fell to me, though.

And if you didn't want the risk, or didn't want children then that would have been entirely your choice.

I'm not understanding how it's suddenly a man's fault that you wanted to have a baby?

I had 2 children, pre eclampsia both times. First time I ended up in intensive care so believe me I understand how dangerous pregnancy can be.

Whose fault was it that I did it a 2nd time - mine. Totally my decision. It was what I wanted so it would be a bit rich to turn round to my DH and say now it's your turn to risk your health.

Well, my h had one after my Mirena fiasco. Even now he says he got off lightly.

That's a high risk for something that offers the person at risk no benefit.

Well presumably it does mean that matey can have sex (which he enjoys) without risking spending the next 18 years raising a child (which he doesn’t want to do).

So maybe a teeny tiny benefit.

Well presumably it does mean that matey can have sex (which he enjoys) without risking spending the next 18 years raising a child (which he doesn’t want to do).

How do you know that though? Maybe he does want more children, or at least the potential to have more children. Maybe not with the op, who is the one appearing to say definitely no more, maybe he isn't so sure?

Maybe he wants to retain the possibility of having more children. Would you countenance a husband insisting that his wife be sterilised because he didn't want any more children by telling her the benefit was that she could have sex without the risk of getting pregnant?

so it would be a bit rich to turn round to my DH and say now it's your turn to risk your health.

No it's not. It's not 'a bit rich' at all.

Of course it's his turn.

He agrees with me -- as do all the other men who've thrown caution to the wind, and taken the 1:10 risk head-on and had a vasectomy.

I'll tell you what's 'a bit rich', and it's some knuckle-dragging butthead, sitting there and expecting to do nothing, take no risk, and have his life partner take the full load.

DH and I are team - this barely warranted a conversation. He offered to do it, I said yes.

I'm sorry for anyone in the unenviable position of defending sub-standard men - it can't be much fun - but that's your issue, not mine.

So it would be his turn to risk his health because I opted to do something that risked my health? How does that work then?

If a Dr gave you odds of a 1 in 10 chance of developing a serious complication from a procedure that gave you no benefit, would you still go ahead?

OooErMissus

Why does it make a man sub standard or a knuckle head for not wanting to permanently remove their fertility?

What are the divorce statistics now? Something like 1:2 marriages end, no? Maybe he is sure that were this relationship to end he would definitely want more children with a new partner and the only reason he accepts it now is because op doesn't want any more?

Well I’ve never met the guy but presumably Op has and she seems to think he doesn’t want any more.

I know my own husband doesn’t want any more - not least because when my nephew was born a couple of years ago I had a short period of going “maybe another baby would be rather nice” and he said “no fucking way!” I guess he could be planning a midnight flit with a younger, less grumpy woman but I’d be amazed if he had the energy.

So it would be his turn to risk his health because I opted to do something that risked my health? How does that work then?

Because we're a team? And he'd seen me do my fair share?

Because he offered? Wanted to do it?

At least, that's how it worked for for us, and other friends I know married to good men.

Well I’ve never met the guy but presumably Op has and she seems to think he doesn’t want any more.

But in updates it's been revealed that he isn't sure at all, it's op that is sure.

If she knows that, come what may, she definitely doesn't want more children then she should opt to be sterilised shouldn't she?

What if this relationship does break down? Then the partner who definitely doesn't want children is still at risk from getting pregnant with a new partner and the partner who does want more children can't have them.

OooErMissus

Him "wanting to do it" doesn't make him a good man.

Same as a woman choosing to be sterilised isn't a good woman.

They are people making the right choice for them.

Is a man choosing to have a vasectomy despite his partner wanting children a good man?