To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

We've had the conversation, instigated by him, and after a bit of research I decided that the risk of complications is too high.

The risk is way, way less than anything women face with regards to pregnancy and childbirth.

And the fact that women don't have any choice about that, because biology, is all the more reason for men to take the relatively small risk when the opportunity - for once - arises.

However, some men are giant babies and they're lucky enough to find women willing to baby them.

I can't imagine saying to DH, 'no, no the risk is too great for you, diddums!' and him doing anything other than scoffing.

In answer to your question- it's not unreasonable to ask....but it sounds like you have your answer, he doesn't want to. Your actions in effectively blackmailing him, frankly, are unreasonable.

I can't imagine saying to DH, 'no, no the risk is too great for you, diddums!' and him doing anything other than scoffing.

Perhaps you should treat him with some respect and not speak to him as if he were a baby.

OooErMissus

Interestingly you are ignoring all of the other choices that women have to prevent pregnancy and childbirth.

And conveniently change your view on "my body, my choice" when it suits your purpose.

@OooErMissus

I think any man who does any less is beyond pathetic - and make no apology whatsoever for my stance.

WTF. If that was a man posting he would be roasted in here. I've posted about 2 friends my DH has with a terrible time. It is surgery and whilst low risk it isn't risk free and 10% have problems, some significant. If someone came on here and told us women to have surgery with a 10% risk they would be dead meat so show some respect to the guys. I did. With my DH

It is your body and your choice, Boney - doesn't make your choice any less weaselly and sub-standard.

I'm (thoroughly) judging your choice.

so show some respect to the guys.

You're kidding, aren't you??

OooErMissus

I'm (thoroughly) judging your choice.

And I am sure that people will judge you by your words. But then I know what some men have gone through and wouldn't judge others for having a view that isn't based on how easy their DH had it.

I know what some (many) women have gone through, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

one shouldn't invalidate the other.

But only one party is opting out altogether - the man who won't have a vasectomy - and they're the one I'm freely judging as being sub-standard.

The assumption that one party is "opting out" is yours and yours alone.

He could be quite happy to use condoms, not opting out but no doubt still considered "sub-standard" by you.

Absolutely - of course I do. The woman is still take the full risk load.

There are three types of people in this world:

1. Women who bear the responsibility of contraception for most of their fertile years, and who accept the risks inherent in pregnancy and childbirth.

1. Men who recognise this and step up to the plate when they can, taking a relatively small risk load.

1. Sub-standard men who opt out altogether (some of them compound their sub-standardness, by pulling out the ‘my body, my choice’ card - actually telling their partner that they expect them to take 100% of the risk, while they take 0%).

I freely, and openly, and without reservation, judge type 3 people.

As there is no discussion to be had, we will have to agree to disagree.

no sex until he makes the appointment

But what if he doesn't make the appointment because he doesn't actually want it done? Men can suffer complications after vasectomy and although in some cases vasectomy is reversible it should be considered permanent. Maybe these factors also worry him?

So you could be waiting a very long time to have sex again, by which time he might have given up and looked elsewhere.

As there is no defence to be made, it seems we will.

"I can't imagine saying to DH, 'no, no the risk is too great for you, diddums!' and him doing anything other than scoffing."

Luckily what you may or may not say to your husband has fuck all to do with what other couples decide between them.

I need to I put to rest the idea of "unnatural" hormones. I get that the OCP does not agree with a lot of people, and there are a lot of women ( especially as we get older ) who need to be careful about side effects and complications. However, there's nothing natural about having a cycle every month of your adult life. Women in hunter gather societies spend most of their adult lives either pregnant or breastfeeding, so rarely have periods.

Luckily what you may or may not say to your husband has fuck all to do with what other couples decide between them.

But as this is a discussion forum, I'm free to judge and comment on them....

It is perfectly reasonable to skip activities that could cause pregnancy if you don’t want the risk of getting pregnant. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s just good sense.

It is also perfectly reasonable for your DH to step up and deal with the burden of contraception for a change.

I think you should just book a GP appointment and tell him you are going together. This will show how serious he is or isn’t.

DH had one at 37. I had been responsible for contraception at that point for 20 years. My turn was done, as is yours.

It’s an easy op, free and very little discomfort.

It’s also incredibly liberating to know your body is free of added hormones or devices and working the way it was designed but without pregnancy.

The return of periods was a bit shit though 😂

It definitely is liberating. My periods have gone from "floody" to medium-light thanks to my copper coil being removed.

It's an appointment she asked him to make not to have the actual operation just make the initial appointment

If he came back and said the risk was too high for him what would you do then?