To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

Also - it's up to other couples to work out what contraception works best for them, but personally, there is bugger all chance that I'd be the one going through a sterilisation op after also being the one to have all the pregnancies and all the births and all the contraception.

So much sophistry and twisting of words on the thread.

It's not the OP's choice what someone else does to their body. Just like it's not a man's place to decide what a woman does to hers.

She's not choosing what he does with his body. She's honestly communicating what she considers to be adequate contraceptive measures.

I booked dh in myself without him knowing, he'd already said he would have a vasectomy but never got round to booking the appointment so I did it.

The doctors send a text with the appointment time so he received that and rang me to ask what it was for.

The doctor appointment is only for the referral and to give him all the information he needed and answer any questions in an unbiased way, something he never got from friends who like to give horror stories.

After the doctors chat he was happy to go ahead so agreed to the referral, he's a huge wuss with hospitals and pain of any kind so was incredibly nervous but he said it really was nothing to worry about, he didn't even realise it had been done as there was no pain, the cut was the width of a little fingernail and so small it didn't even need to be stitched, I couldn't go to the appointment with him as our baby was poorly so he drove himself and was fine.

The most painful bit was where they'd taped the pad of cotton wool on as when he stood up gravity pulled it down against his leg hair. He took it off and had nothing other than a dull ache for a couple of days which he took paracetamol for.

I was sterilised and it was a minor procedure. Doesn't mess with your natural hormones and was minimally painful. Just one almost invisible tiny scar near my bellybutton. Best thing I ever did. DH is a total wuss and wanted to have a vasectomy but chickened out! Never regretted it.

You can say to DH that as you have managed fertility for both of you it is now up to him, and he can use condoms or get a vasectomy.

You can ask. My DH had one after my Mirena coil got lost and I needed surgery to find it and get it out but they hard sell those Mirenas like they are a panacea for all ills. I was asked if I wanted another one put in after they fished the lost one out over and over, including in the anaesthetic room, and after even after he'd had the all-clear from the vasectomy. When he went in to ask about vasectomy, they automatically brought up the Mirena coil for me.

Many PCTs no longer fund female sterilisation and of course it's way more expensive than vasectomy if you go private.

All procedures carry risk of complication but so does pregnancy and with female sterilisation one potential complication is increased risk of ectopic pregnancy should it fail.

She isn't blackmailing him!

She has said she will not have sex until the contraceptive issues have been resolved.

Perfectly reasonable considering it's her who carries the unplanned baby.

Now her husband knows this he can act in whichever way he chooses.

These threads are always interesting, but what strikes me every time is the "say 'no sex' unless your partner does this" advice. I didn't want celibacy, I didn't want a lifetime without PIV sex- if I had taken a "get a vasectomy or no more sex" line I would have been punishing myself just as much as DH. Sex isn't something I do to reward DH for appropriate behaviour ffs!

Missing the point entirely but you could think about the copper coil as a method of contraception, and can be used through menopause. It can stay in longer than the mirena (hormonal coil). I only suggest this as an alternative for you if you would like a reliable form of non-hormonal contraception.

Does your DP know how you feel about this, and why you're bringing it up? I think a clear conversation here is key.

Punishment? I'm afraid I can't understand your viewpoint, icannotremember

It isn't about punishment or reward. It's about being able to relax and enjoy the moment, confident that you've minimised the risk of pregnancy. Who likes the "is my period going to come this month?" feeling?

@ShatnersWig
@Anotherlongdrive
@SlowDown76mph

I'd encourage you to have a look at:

www.reddit.com/r/postvasectomypain

where I have collected hundreds stories of long term complications after vasectomy.

While it is true that about 80% of guys have a very easy procedure, some have a very rough time. Around 1-2% end up with pain that never goes away and/or life-long sexual dysfunction. Given the high impact if things go wrong, I think surgical sterilization should only be considered after everything else has been tried and found to be unsatisfactory.

Given the high impact if things go wrong, I think surgical sterilization should only be considered after everything else has been tried and found to be unsatisfactory

“Everything else”? So a woman has to try every method open before a man will consider (and more the word consider) having a vasectomy?

I was 32 when I was sterilised. Bit of a push on the NHS but very much worth doing. I'm sure this won't be an issue if you are 40. Maybe DH will step up to the plate if he knows you will need an anaesthetic for this?

We agreed during what I knew would be my final pregnancy. DH was very nervous beforehand but as I'd suffered terribly with HG each time and had the pain of three labours (precipitous so no pain relief!) that it was the least he could do. It hasn't changed anything. He did book a week off work afterwards because he has a manual job. No complications and no regrets.

@JacquesHammer

A woman does not have to try anything that she doesn't want to try, and she doesn't have to have any sex that she doesn't want to have.

But yes, I would always recommend that reversible methods be attempted before vasectomy or salpingectomy be considered. This is in line with the general principle which is accepted elsewhere in medicine to treat surgery as a last resort after conservative options have failed.

where I have collected hundreds stories of long term complications after vasectomy

Anyone collated the thousands of stories of the long term complications of either pregnancy or childbirth? The mental health impact of it, the miscarriages, the stillbirths, successful births but the trauma of the labour or delivery?

I feel I was lucky to have had 2 c sections and no complications compared to my friends who had infections in their stitches, one stitched too tight and had to be re-stitched, stitches coming apart and re-stitched. All at different hospitals across the country. All from giving birth. My friend who had her hymen hanging out of her vagina that they said couldn't be operated on if she was going to go on to have another child. The vaginal prolapse of another friend following the birth of a large baby. The manual stimulation my friend has to perform when she needs to go for a poo. My friend who had bladder issues and had her bladder held up by a sling. All fucking lovely childbirth related stories.

Dh had a vasectomy 12 years ago, he suffered from a bleed after internally which was painful at the time. Now though, pain free and worry free sex for years. His balls are more sensitive if he accidentally knocks them but apart from that he feels it has been an utter success.

It makes me feel ill to know so many women only have sex to reward their husbands and get no independent enjoyment out of it at all hence giving up PIV would be of no consequence. It must be like getting raped over and over again.

Yes there are several groups, pages and organisations dedicated to birth trauma and obstetric rape.

@ChilledBee that's an incredible assumption on your part. Where has anyone said they don't enjoy sex? I certainly haven't. In fact I very much do want to have sex but I don't want any more children and this discussion is helping me to consider the more permanent options moving forward so that we can have a varied and fulfilling sex live without the concern of conceiving.

To be fair OP you've been a lot more open minded than the first post suggested.

You're right to have a full and frank discussion with DH and consider all the options and then you both can make an informed decision on what's the way forward.

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix

Also I would appreciate some feedback on people that have had (or partner/husband) has had vasectomy. Did you regret it? Was it painful? Was it successful? Was it the best thing ever?

Op. My husband refused. Two people he knows had one and were poorly with it requiring weeks off work. One still has ongoing issues and both regretted it

Yes some men have a easy time and others don't. I don't feel right to ask my husband to risk that and have ongoing pain.

Thought of trying a Mirena? I use and it is great. Don't even have periods

Bit of an uncharitable reading there ChilledBee? “If you’d call off PIV sex under any circumstances, then you must only be doing it to keep your husband happy with no enjoyment for yourself.” Eh?

I have 3 dc all under 6. Dh is 52, I am 38. I have pleaded with him to have a vasectomy. He refuses. My gp isn't keen on me having the pill or any hormone related contraception due to other issues. Another pregnancy would be very bad for me. As a result I really do not want to have sex! I want my dh, but the worry of it all stresses me out. I honestly think my dh is being selfish. I've had 3 vaginal deliveries and been stitched up each time, had mrop with 1st, pnd, the list goes on. And he won't consider the snip, a 15 minute procedure?

Well for me, I might say to my husband that something needs to change in relation to X or our marriage is over if something was "off" that much
But for me, now I actually like sex and want it myself, living in a sexless marriage isn't an option because sex with my partner means too much to me. I enjoy that aspect of a relationship too much. Now I realise giving a "no sex" ultimatum is only an option for people who never liked sex to begin with but had other reasons to do it like making people like them or as a bargaining tool.

bobster I would no longer have sex if I were married to your spouse. Bet he'll be the type to expect you to get a termination if you became pregnant as long as he could keep squirting away. Nope.