To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

Both parties in a relationship have bodily autonomy

Except the OP apparently, who is being told she is wrong to withhold sex from her husband, because she does not want to get pregnant again.

A man doesn't owe someone a vasectomy

And a wife doesn't owe her husband sex.

I think the replies and the OP DP dragging his feet on something he says he wants illustrate one sad fact. Contraception is the sole responsibility of women, and the OP partner is not getting a vasectomy as the results of not getting one really won't impact him. The physical changes and risks will be OP's, the reduction in paid working hours will be OP's, the mental and emotional load to care for another child will be OP's. In light of that I think the OP is sensible not to have sex (the act that creates babies) until she gets this sort one way or another.

Contraception is the sole responsibility of women, and the OP partner is not getting a vasectomy as the results of not getting one really won't impact him. The physical changes and risks will be OP's, the reduction in paid working hours will be OP's, the mental and emotional load to care for another child will be OP's. In light of that I think the OP is sensible not to have sex (the act that creates babies) until she gets this sort one way or another..

Of course it will impact him. If as you say the woman will then work less etc, at the very least he will be responsible for more people. Which is an impact.

But also, women donr have to reduce their hours, be the main carer. Those are choices.

On the sex issue, I have berated the OP for not having sex with her husband until this is done. Because I am in the fence she has bodily autonomy. But I am not comfortable with someone being blackmailed into having an operation to stop them being fertile.

On the sex issue, I have berated the OP for not having sex with her husband until this is done. Because I am in the fence she has bodily autonomy. But I am not comfortable with someone being blackmailed into having an operation to stop them being fertile

I don’t see it as blackmail. I think if someone desperately doesn’t want to get pregnant, then abstaining is the most sensible option. If there are other options each party is willing to take to facilitate a sex life then great, but they shouldn’t all fall to the woman (and let’s face it, it always does) because the man isn’t even willing to further explore further getting an appointment.

Getting an appointment doesn’t even mean he has to have it done. But a full exploration of the facts rather than constantly not bothering is more palatable!

Pretty sure OP is allowed to not have sex for any reason she damn well pleases.
In addition to the fact that OP admits to multiple ‘silly risks’ if they don’t want anymore children then abstaining seems to be the best contraceptive option at this time.

Blackmail?

A woman says she's not having sex if she's not happy with the contraceptive measures and it's blackmail?

Would you tell your teenage daughters that it was "blackmail" if they told boyfriends they wouldn't have sex without a condom?

Would you tell your teenage daughters that it was "blackmail" if they told boyfriends they wouldn't have sex without a condom?

This x 1000

In answer to the coil my understanding is that they slow release hormones which I absolutely don't want any more of. I am acutely aware that as I approach middle age I will have to endure the menopause and potential hormone treatment and at the very least a massive shift in my own. I also know there are all kinds of painful complications with them and frequently encounter women that had no end of difficulties with them.

As for sterilisation, again I think this is a massive operation with a lengthy recovery? Also again it messes with the hormones and having been solely responsible for contraception and child bearing up to now I think my body has been through enough.

However, I will reiterate there is absolutely no part of me forcing DP into anything. I would never ever make him do something he doesn't want. We had a discussion this morning about V because posters here made me think harder about the emotional impact on him too. He admitted concerns about 'will we change our minds' and the finality of no children which was interesting. We both agree we adore babies and if our situation was different we would have had more but neither one of us actually wants more children. Certainly more proper discussion to be had and it's interesting reading people's experiences with v.

@JacquesHammer to be fair my sentence should have been I havent berated her.

OP did phrase the OP as though it was blackmail. But I cant and wont make a judge her on it.

The responses to this thread!

Do you all know how to get pregnant, and who gets pregnant, and who shoulders the burden of concern, or trauma?

If I didnt want to get pregnant and my husband was perfectly fine about getting a vasectomy but was too god damn lazy I know exactly how to not get pregnant. It's not an ultimatum, it's a clear obvious choice.

"I'm finding myself concerned regularly that I might get pregnant and I find it very distressing. I've decided I need to eliminate the risk and I cant have vaginal sex until menopause unless you can have a vasectomy."

Of course theres always condoms and hormonal contraceptive (double the security!) But if these don't work for you as a family feel free to make it explicitly clear in your conversation why those are not an option for you.

AnotherLongDrive my apologies!

He admitted concerns about 'will we change our minds' and the finality of no children which was interesting

Are these genuine concerns do you think? Or a case of “this puts the ball back in her court”.

After two babies and all those synthetic hormones, it's perfectly fair for it to be his turn!

He's agreed in principle, but just needs a nudge to get on with it. OP has not blackmailed, she has just decided she is not willing to risk another pregnancy. Her body; her choice.

The ball is in his court now.

Does a sizeable chunk of MN actually not believe in bodily autonomy?!

If he would be happy for you to have your tubes tied, his concern is not about anyone changing their mind.

But nobody will do the deed on him if he expresses his uncertainty about the finality of it. Sorry, OP, he's wriggled free.

@GloGirl thank you for you post and the understanding around it. I admit I did chuckle at 'no vaginal sex'. If I said that to DP we would both be chuckling at the alternatives.

A woman says she's not having sex if she's not happy with the contraceptive measures and it's blackmail?
Would you tell your teenage daughters that it was "blackmail" if they told boyfriends they wouldn't have sex without a condom?
Not comparable at all.

Anyone has the right to refuse sex.

Using witholding sex as a method to push someone else into doing something permanent to their body is what's unreasonable. What the OP is saying is "I'm taking sex off the table unless you book for an operation", which is different from "I'm not happy with our current contraception arrangements so we need to abstain from penetrative sex until we have a solution we are both happy with"

@LolaSmiles I am most definitely not saying that. I've said repeatedly I am not and would not force him to have an operation he doesn't want. I do however want to move the conversation forward and get him to make the appt to discuss the process so we can then make an informed decision on whether it is the way forwards. It was his inaction that was bothering me. Not the fact he doesn't want a v. He has said he does want a v but not acted on it.

"After two babies and all those synthetic hormones, it's perfectly fair for it to be his turn!"

This is not something to which turn taking applies. He cannot have babies, and no hormonal male contraceptive exists. It is nit possible for him to have a turn at those. He could however take his turn at reversible contraception (confirms being the only option)

Neither had yet had a 'turn' at surgery to remove fertilisation.if he is really willing (as he says) then he really ought to be getting on with it. If it ends up that he's not willing, then as a couple they need to have further conversations about contraception during the perimenopause.

Do remember that mirena can form part of HRT, so ones ideas about taking hormones might change over age 40ish

Dh had one years ago and never got a clear sample. In the end I was sterilized. Simple and no regrets .I highly recommend it.

As for sterilisation, again I think this is a massive operation with a lengthy recovery?

I think it's just keyhole surgery these days. I need to have a hysterectomy and that put me off as well but my Doctor told me that it wasn't the case anymore.

Anyway in reply to the OP, obviously you can't force/pressure someone into having a vasectomy.

Using witholding sex as a method to push someone else into doing something permanent to their body is what's unreasonable. What the OP is saying is "I'm taking sex off the table unless you book for an operation", which is different from "I'm not happy with our current contraception arrangements so we need to abstain from penetrative sex until we have a solution we are both happy with"

Nope. It is exactly comparable. Male sterilisation is a form of contraception, and that's the one OP has picked. If OP isn't up for sex unless her H has one, then that is just as valid as another woman picking condoms.

If she said she would only have sex with him if he had plastic surgery, that would be blackmail.

@AryaStarkWolf thank you for this. Just read a bit about it on the nhs website and it appears to be far less of a serious operation these days and apparently has no effect on hormones. This is news to me so I suppose in the interest of fairness we should put both options on the table.

I think if he has said he wants a vasectomy but has repeatedly not acted on it, he doesn't really want one.

I got sterilised because DH refused to have a vasectomy. Still quite cross that I was the one who got sterilised when he was the one so adamant there would never be another baby, but on balance it was far better than putting up with the pill or coil and the recovery was short and simple.

I don't think it is blackmail OP you are afraid of getting pregnant again. If you have sex you might get pregnant so saying no sex means you won't get pregnant. Your body has already carried 2 children and given birth twice. Female sterilisation is not as simple as a vasectomy. So if you both agree you don't want any more children it makes sense for him to be sterilised. Do you think maybe he does want the option to have more children? Or is he scared? I think you need to have a frank conversation

P.S.

What the OP is saying is "I'm taking sex off the table unless you book for an operation", which is different from "I'm not happy with our current contraception arrangements so we need to abstain from penetrative sex until we have a solution we are both happy with"

The only difference between those is that the former constitutes clear communication. The second is always mooted in these threads, but if you have already realised you are only happy with male sterilisation, it is just a way to avoid expressing yourself.

I would be totally fine with my DH saying he didn’t want a vasectomy, but I’d be a lot less fine if he was saying he did but not bothering to get it done. It sounds like your DH might actually not want it though.

Nope. It is exactly comparable. Male sterilisation is a form of contraception, and that's the one OP has picked. If OP isn't up for sex unless her H has one, then that is just as valid as another woman picking condoms.
It's not the OP's choice what someone else does to their body. Just like it's not a man's place to decide what a woman does to hers.

Trying to pressurise someone into surgery (which is what is is throwing "well no sex unless..." around without a sensible conversation) is unreasonable. I'd also have no time for any man who said "no sex unless you get an implant" as a way of pushing his partner. Neither are respectful adult conversations.

Now if they both sit down and have a discussion and look at the options, discuss what they're both happy with, pros cons, reservations etc and the outcome is abstinence then that's fine.