To ask DP to have a vasectomy

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So a bit of background. DP and I have been together 14 years. I had a very early pregnancy and subsequent termination. Went on to have DD1 (13) and DD2 (9). We both now work full time and definitely do not want any more children. I adore babies and I love our children but moving from 2:4 to 2:5 means bigger house, car and change of life. We know those younger years are tough and we had both DG's on each side to help. We are thoroughly enjoying life with older DC's. Also DG's are now getting on a decade later and I know they won't feel able to be so involved in care of any subsequent babies so another would be really difficult in all aspects. I am also approaching 40 and acutely aware of the risks a later pregnancy will bring. We have talked and joked about DP having vasectomy and he's always agreed but never actually done it. Tonight I am 2 days late. I don't think I am pregnant because each previous time I have recognised symptoms almost immediately but I am tired of worrying about it when there is a simple solution. Tonight I broached the v word again and DP is happy to do it but never actually makes it a priority but I have taken it one step further and said 'no sex until he makes the appointment'. AIBU?

YABVU.

You said, and I quote:

"So it would be his turn to risk his health because I opted to do something that risked my health?"

And my answer is - of course! If you're a decent person, that is.

And it certainly does make him a good man, if the alternative is one who wont have a vasectomy because they won't countenance taking any risk.

Once again - to reiterate: it's men's semen that's at the heart of the issue

Are you aware of the role that the woman's egg plays in pregnancy?

OooErMissus

But why? I chose to put my health at risk because I wanted 2 children so, by way of repayment my DH should now put his health at risk when there are perfectly good alternatives available?

That makes no sense.

And again I ask, is it ok for the reverse conversations to be happening - a woman being told to have a tubal.ligation because she's not a good woman if she doesn't? Even though she wants more children but her DH definitely doesn't want them?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras actually I've never said he isn't sure about having more children. He absolutely definitely doesn't. In fact I asked him if I was pregnant what would he want and he obviously said it's not his choice to make as its my body and he loves children BUT he doesn't want any

I will reiterate because you aren't listening, he isn't being forced to do anything. But he is being pushed to do...something. We need to make some decisions and I wanted him to take some action be that say no to vasectomy, yes to vasectomy or even find out more information. We have discussed all other options except sterilisation which is now back on the table for consideration and we both agree (as we are a team) that we want a better solution than we have right now. I do actually understand some of your points but I entirely disagree that he is being hard done by right now. And for the record, my understanding is the 1/10 figure includes slight issues/delayed healing/minor complications as well as the serious ones. So it isn't a 10% chance of 'serious complications' and the truth is that pregnancy/coil/injections/hormones also come with risks of minor and/or serious complications. It's unreasonable to say vasectomy is the worst option

And my answer is - of course! If you're a decent person, that is.

Your definition of what makes a good person is one that will risk their health for no benefit to themselves?

I'm not sure that makes you decent tbh, foolish maybe.

My hubby has just been hospitalised after complications from the snip, and his work colleague who had the same surgeon a few months prior was the same

He was nervous and worried about the risk of chronic pain so I don't blame your hubby for being reluctant

shouldhavecalleditoatabix

I thought you said in your update that he had said he was waivering due to the permanent nature of it and that you then commented that maybe he didn't want to do it?

Another poster gave studies that showed that the thoughts are the actual.risks are under reported but that it's the NHS and royal college of physicians reporting 10% chance of more serious complications than just some mild discomfort and yes, other methods of contraception carry risks too but a)the risk is lower than that of pregnancy so there is a risk/benefit which there isn't with vasectomy and b) there are benefits with hormonal contraception such as lighter periods (if that is an issue) and reduced incidence of some cancers, such as ovarian.

There are also condoms which don't carry health risks to either party.

@lauryloo thank you. I don't think he is reluctant although we haven't looked into it and he hasn't had the benefit of reading all the information on this thread yet. He just 'never gets round to it' which I S pretty standard for him. He is by no means lazy but he's always chasing his own tail and often little jobs and things fall by the wayside and this discussion is one of them. What's going on with you husband if I may ask? Will it get sorted?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I think I said (though admittedly there are plenty of updates and this thread has been running a while) that we have gone through periods over the last years where one or the other of us has not been quite ready for permanence and he was a little concerned about it when I talked to him about it the morning after posting the OP. I think it came across more as the fear of the unknown rather than genuine reluctance to have the op. That said, I don't want to match him into surgery. I simply want him to show willing to make the appointment and discuss options with the gp. Many have also said on here that I will struggle to get sterilisation on the nhs anyway so there's potentially another avenue unavailable. And neither of us are particularly fans of condoms. However, he is still adamant that he doesn't want more kids and nor do I. So that's where we find ourselves, thinking 'where next?'

I absolutely pushed DH to have the snip when I was pregnant with surprise DC3. We both thought I was on the coil but it had fallen out.

We are a good fit for making babies and it's never been more than a month or so after "trying" that I've got pregnant.

To have that fear of another unplanned pregnancy handing over me for another 10 years or more was not something I was prepared to consider.

Luckily DH stepped up and it was a straightforward procedure. Back at work shortly afterwards and it's nice to feel back in control.

Your definition of what makes a good person is one that will risk their health for no benefit to themselves?

Yes, exactly!

We're a team, and so DH took that risk on, instead of expecting me to always taking the ongoing load.

He's nice like that.

I see this is difficult for you to get your head around. But anyway, it's a sunny Saturday here, so I have better things to be doing right now, than arguing with sub-standard men apologists.

So what have you done to reciprocate his selfless act then? What act have you undertaken that has no benefit to you only risk to prove what a decent woman you are?

Because if you haven't then presumably you are a sub standard woman (to use your own words).

@lauryloo probably says more about the surgeon really. Vasectomy is a lot less riskier than a woman being sterilised which is major abdominal surgery.

He had a bad infection in one testicle. He's on the mend now though.

I'm also pregnant. So although he's been on the waiting list a few years, a little surprise has made its way through.

"Vasectomy is a lot less riskier than a woman being sterilised which is major abdominal surgery"

The risks of vasectomy seem to be routinely under-estimated, and those of tubal ligation over-stated, since it became a keyhole procedure.

1:10 for serious consequences (over 3 months, probably requiring further surgery to fix; the worst cases meaning loss of function, and chronic untreatable pain even after denervation) is not a trivial complication rate.

Would you really be up for risking it if it was you?

And that rate is the one published by the NHS.
(Other sources put it higher)

Given that pregnancy and childbirth can be fatal, DP can take on some risks of his own and do the research and speak to the doctor before making a decision. Refusing to do anything about it isn’t the same as ‘I’ve looked into it and am worried about XYZ so I’m seeing Dr G next week to talk about it again’

Hi OP. I asked my DH if he would have a vasectomy. We don't have any children, and we don't want any either so it was nigh on impossible for me to be sterilized even though I tried for years. No one took me seriously. Initially he didn't want to, and I accepted it but also said I'm off the pill because I couldn't and wouldn't do it to myself anymore. Mentally it made me so ill and him seeing the difference it made in me plus his hatred of condoms meant when I broached the subject again a year later he took himself to the doctors. It also helped he become paranoid using the condoms in case it split or come off that he got performance shy because he worried so much the more we used them. It was a very simple op, I stood at his feet and watched (I'm a body worker so I was fascinated). A little discomfort for a couple of days but he's now got the all clear. YANBU at all.

Given the high impact if things go wrong, I think surgical sterilization should only be considered after everything else has been tried and found to be unsatisfactory

Now remind me the percentage of women who experience life long consequences of pregnancy and childbirth and the invasive forms of contraception which women are routinely expected to manage.

Its a damned sight more than 1-2% and the serious side effects for women go up to and include death.

OP: DP and pretty much all his generation of friends had vasectomies once families were complete. Most would have been early 40s at the time. The worst any of them experienced was discomfort for a day or so.

Interestingly the surgeon DP went to was quite clear that there were some specific contraindications he checked for when assessing men for vasectomies and techniques for doing this had developed over time so its worth knowing how old the statistics are as well as sample size, source etc.

There are upsides too. Taking the recurring stress and anxiety about unplanned pregnancy out of a relationship can be a massive positive. I don't think I even realised what a stress it was until it was removed.

If a woman does not want the risks of pregnancy, or side effects of contraceptives n, she can take steps to reduce/remove them.

It was s her body and her choice. And if a man tried to insist she did something with a 10% (not 1-2%) chance of the serious complications, he would be pilloried and rightly so.

And by the same standards, she does not get to choose what another person does with their body.

The risks of vasectomy seem to be routinely under-estimated, and those of tubal ligation over-stated, since it became a keyhole procedure.

On the contrary, risks from TBL can included chronic pain (the Essure method was discontinued for this reason), dysmennohrea and of course, carries the risk of ectopic pregnancy. Keyhole procedure definitely riskier that vasectomy. And more expensive, so female sterilisation in no longer funded by many PCTs.