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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my FIL to pay what he owes!

313 replies

73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 19:58

My FIL lives by himself. He's elderly but in reasonable health most of the time. He is quite well off (over 300K in the bank we think) but doesn't spend much as he prefers a quiet life and simple things.

The issue is that he asks us to get things - like DIY stuff so my OH can fix things which are broken when we visit (we don't mind doing this) and presents for the kids (he says can you put £50 in a card for them from me) - but without prompting will usually not pay us back. My OH and I have completely joint finances. I bring home twice as much as him (irrelevant really, but just for context).

He is generous at other times, e.g. he gave us £1000 each (me and OH for Xmas last year). My OH says that because of this we can't ask him to pay us back as it's too awkward. But I say that we put that cash into the mortgage so don't actually have it to give to the kids and anyway he gave it as a gift, not a fund for us to hold for him to spend when he wants/ needs to.

I find FIL really difficult. He's used to thinking only of him, so for example when we visit, it takes around 6 hours to drive to his. He doesn't get milk or bread in for us or any other food. After we arrive I have to go to the supermarket to stock up on basics. His wife died a couple of years ago and he's been trained to be inept (or lazy??) around the house so I don't expect him to cook us meals but to order an extra pint of milk and buy enough bread for us all to have breakfast is really no big ask and certainly within his capabilities. I can't figure out whether my OH is being unreasonable or whether my frustration at being expected to join my OH's family in treating my FIL like someone who really can't do anything for anyone else is clouding my thinking about this.

YABU - yes it's unreasonable to ask your FIL to reimburse you for small sums of money when he's generous with presents sometimes.

YANBU - FIL should reimburse you and if he doesn't do it without prompting it's reasonable to expect OH to prompt him.

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:02

Oh dear I forgot to enable voting! Does anyone know how I can add voting on?

OP posts:
EverRenEssence · 30/10/2019 20:15

YABU, he gave you 2K as a Christmas present and you're complaining about small sums. Bloody hell, you cheeky sod.

Darkstar4855 · 30/10/2019 20:15

It’s annoying but I think if he is giving you large lump sums as a gift then you just have to suck it up, sorry. YABU.

littlepaddypaws · 30/10/2019 20:18

another yabu, don't accept large sums of money in future and expect to be repaid.

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 20:19

I don’t think I could ask him for small amounts if he’d given me and DH 2k as a gift .

undertonesofhostility · 30/10/2019 20:20

How have you worked out how much he has in the bank?

Anyway, YABU if he is giving you money.

PinkpompomDaisy · 30/10/2019 20:20

You are not being unreasonable, he just lives by himself and forgets, and I’m sorry but men in general rely on their wives/girlfriends to do everything.
Remind him he owes you money, he has just forgotten.
Take food with you, or order beforehand.
Maybe order a shopping delivery on line for him on a regular basis.

Namechangeoflife · 30/10/2019 20:21

Bloody hell, you cheeky sod. no need for that.
Yanbu op. The money from fil was a gift.yes it’s very generous but it’s not a kitty to pay for his expenses.

mrsm43s · 30/10/2019 20:24

Next time he gives you a big sum, put £500 away towards small incidental costs. Top up from future gifts as needed.
It's give and take. He sounds very generous towards you, so be a bit generous back.

JulietakaIris · 30/10/2019 20:24

I think if you're not bothered about generous gifts in future then yes go ahead and ask him to pay. Personally I'd leave well alone.

Bringonspring · 30/10/2019 20:25

YABU, his Elderly and probably adjusting to being a widower and I imagine (based on age) his wife supported him with presents.

Why do your children even need presents from him. Who cares if he doesn’t have milk in, adjust to it and buy it.

Crikey, really the more I think about it the unreasonable you seem

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:25

He has no trouble shopping for himself. If he did we'd organise for things to be delivered.

We know about his finances because his wife died a couple of years ago and my OH helped him sort out their joint finances.

We can't take food with us as it would go off in a 6 hour journey - we would take bread which was an issue at the last visit, but he mentioned having got none after we'd left our house. I do take up some basics like bread and cereals usually but can't take chicken, yoghurt, milk etc so need to go out anyway when we get there.

OP posts:
JulietakaIris · 30/10/2019 20:28

We can't take food with us as it would go off in a 6 hour journey -

It really wouldn't if all packed together to keep cool with a few ice packs.

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 20:28

Just stop off on the way and shop before you get there.

Is the Xmas gift a recurring one? If so I'd suck up the small amounts. Perhaps keep £200 back to cover kids stuff over the year.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:29

Who cares if he doesn’t have milk in, adjust to it and buy it.

Honestly? I care. It's a long journey to get there. At it's worst it's taken 9 hours. I don't want to have to go out to get basics. We don't stop at shops on the way as the kids are usually stir crazy so we don't want to take them round the supermarket with us. Plus we find the journey is most likely to be reasonable if we leave late and arrive around midnight. Perhaps I need to adjust my thinking but I always come back to feeling frustrated with him for not getting some basics in and equally frustrated with my OH who refuses to ask him to order an extra pint of milk and pick up an extra loaf of bread.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 30/10/2019 20:29

Bread and milk won’t go off in 6 hrs - get a cool box. And yes def challenge him in the £50 quid he owes you, then be prepared to receive less than 1k next Xmas

PinkpompomDaisy · 30/10/2019 20:30

Just do an online shop before you set off then, and you won’t need to shop

GettingABitDesperateNow · 30/10/2019 20:31

You say he is elderly and in reasonable health. I think that's worlds away from being young and in great health. Also I think given his generosity I'd put it down to not thinking about it rather than being stingy. In doubt he was from a generation where women did all the hosting and organising of visitors etc, I think at his age its probably quite a lot to ask that he completely rethinks all this. Just treat his visits as self catering and take milk etc with you.

I've kind of shocked myself saying this as I'm never in the 'leave him be, hes just a man!' camp

PinkpompomDaisy · 30/10/2019 20:31

And probably gently remind him, Im sure he won’t mind, and has forgotten

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:31

It really wouldn't if all packed together to keep cool with a few ice packs.

We've tried that going camping which is a shorter trip and it really isn't reliable enough to safely keep things like meat cold enough.

Is the Xmas gift a recurring one? If so I'd suck up the small amounts. Perhaps keep £200 back to cover kids stuff over the year.

I don't think so but I guess we'll find out this year. Yes I guess we can just not consider all of it to be an actual gift and keep the rest back for his expenses over the year.

OP posts:
JulietakaIris · 30/10/2019 20:32

We've tried that going camping which is a shorter trip and it really isn't reliable enough to safely keep things like meat cold enough.

Of course it is! I'm sorry I think you're being petty but it's up to you I guess.

PsuedoSatisfactionBaby · 30/10/2019 20:33

I agree it’s irritating but I would just accept it. He is not used to company and isn’t thinking ahead. He sounds a bit like my dad...the thought of buying someone a gift or doing something out of his routine is quite daunting for an elderly person who has perhaps lots his confidence and is possibly quite lonely. My dad doesn’t do birthday gifts but gives an overly generous cash amount every Christmas too. Take him some extra bread, treat him, be nice. He won’t be around forever.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:33

Why do your children even need presents from him.

I'm not sure what this means? we don't tell him to give presents. He asks us to put money in a card for them. They obviously don't need presents from him and we'd say nothing if he gave them nothing. We know they're not entitled to anything.

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 30/10/2019 20:35

OMFG - he gives you £1k at Christmas as a discrete present to the £1k he gives his son!

That's more than fucking generous, that's an acknowledgement and thanks of what you do during the year *(which sounds like pretty much the basic amount any decent family member would do , regardless of money).

Think of it as £750 each, which is still incredible and £500 upfront for expenses during the year.

YABVVVVU and mercenary

One of those who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

HelloGeeniee · 30/10/2019 20:35

It takes 6 hours + for me to visit my mum and dad and we would be fuming if they didn’t have milk, bread etc when we arrive. We are lucky to have a meal cooked for us usually.

However I feel yabu in asking for the money back for small things and might be pretty awkward but I can see why you would be annoyed. The £1,000 was a gift.