Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my FIL to pay what he owes!

313 replies

73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 19:58

My FIL lives by himself. He's elderly but in reasonable health most of the time. He is quite well off (over 300K in the bank we think) but doesn't spend much as he prefers a quiet life and simple things.

The issue is that he asks us to get things - like DIY stuff so my OH can fix things which are broken when we visit (we don't mind doing this) and presents for the kids (he says can you put £50 in a card for them from me) - but without prompting will usually not pay us back. My OH and I have completely joint finances. I bring home twice as much as him (irrelevant really, but just for context).

He is generous at other times, e.g. he gave us £1000 each (me and OH for Xmas last year). My OH says that because of this we can't ask him to pay us back as it's too awkward. But I say that we put that cash into the mortgage so don't actually have it to give to the kids and anyway he gave it as a gift, not a fund for us to hold for him to spend when he wants/ needs to.

I find FIL really difficult. He's used to thinking only of him, so for example when we visit, it takes around 6 hours to drive to his. He doesn't get milk or bread in for us or any other food. After we arrive I have to go to the supermarket to stock up on basics. His wife died a couple of years ago and he's been trained to be inept (or lazy??) around the house so I don't expect him to cook us meals but to order an extra pint of milk and buy enough bread for us all to have breakfast is really no big ask and certainly within his capabilities. I can't figure out whether my OH is being unreasonable or whether my frustration at being expected to join my OH's family in treating my FIL like someone who really can't do anything for anyone else is clouding my thinking about this.

YABU - yes it's unreasonable to ask your FIL to reimburse you for small sums of money when he's generous with presents sometimes.

YANBU - FIL should reimburse you and if he doesn't do it without prompting it's reasonable to expect OH to prompt him.

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:36

Of course it is! I'm sorry I think you're being petty but it's up to you I guess.

I don't think so. This is from experience. I have done food hygiene training and if there's a bug to be had, I'll get it! I really will not take that risk and I think it's a bit mean to call me petty. I am not making a rod for my own back here, I am looking after our health. 6 plus hours is a long time to keep things properly cold.

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 30/10/2019 20:36

Long life milk?
Bread, eggs,

Yes, it sucks to get a few things in, but he's elderly. Shopping is tedious. I think you'll just have to live with it

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/10/2019 20:38

You are sounding like a gold digger Op

Notthetoothfairy · 30/10/2019 20:38

I was prepared to say YANBU until I saw that he gave you an incredibly generous gift for Xmas. I don’t think my in-laws have given us gifts totalling that amount in 15 years of marriage!

I think let the small stuff go, if this is a regular thing (and if you’re going to him anyway, it probably wouldn’t kill you to pick up a couple of basics from a local shop to help him out).

Ellisandra · 30/10/2019 20:38

Of course you can take chicken, milk and yoghurt on a 6 hour drive, unless in the height of summer. Certainly with a cool box, no issue at all. Leave the chicken at home if you’re concerned about that. I wouldn’t expect anyone to shop for my family arriving - we know what we need, what child has stoped eating granola as of yesterday and now lives on bagels, etc! I think you’re being a bit picky there. Bringing bread, cereal and long life milk is no hassle at all.

Absolutely no unreasonable to ask him for money he owes you. But given the £2K Xmas present, I’d personally let it slide. OK, you’ve overpaid the mortgage now - so you know next time to hold some back. But presumably this didn’t only start this year, him asking for things and not repaying? As the £2K was a gift, I do think it’s fair to ask him to pay - I just wouldn’t myself.

Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 20:40

So
There is no bread or milk when you arrive
How do you know he is managing when you are not there?
Who is looking after him ,checking he has shopped and eaten?

HelloGeeniee · 30/10/2019 20:40

My mum and dad borrowed us £220k to buy our first house outright and we pay them back monthly like we would a mortgage. I would still get annoyed if my parents owed me small sums of money and didn’t pay me back... it’s the principle I guess. Confused

JulietakaIris · 30/10/2019 20:41

have done food hygiene training

So have I. A large cool box with food layered with frozen ice packs would be totally safe and fine. As I said I think you're being petty and quite obstructive too. Do you not like him or something? I feel for him a bit. He clearly thinks the generous gift covers everything then a significant amount on top and most people on here seem to agree. I think you sound unkind I really do and YABU.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:42

I'm really surprised at the hatred coming from some people here. It's interesting to hear other's views and I am genuinely asking to see how others see it. It sounds like the majority would be happy to be given 2k at Xmas and then have a couple of hundred of that spent over the year. I can see the logic there. I don't think I am being mercenary though and I honestly do think it's horrid to call me that. I am not a money grabber and actually would genuinely prefer him to give us nothing for Xmas but give a little more consideration through the year (just a pint of milk, not a roast dinner). We saw him last week. He was talking about how he used to enjoy golf but saying the local club is expensive. I was trying to encourage him to spend the money. I'd rather he spent it on him than us! It's our job to support ourselves and we'd like to see him enjoy his last few years.

Thank you to those who have shared opinions in respectful ways - those who see my point and those who don't. Your thoughts have been gratefully received.

OP posts:
SalemShadow · 30/10/2019 20:42

Just take the kids presents out of the thousands of pounds he gives you at Xmas and just grab some milk. Sounds like you are already totting up what inheritance you are getting and you can't be arsed visiting.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/10/2019 20:42

I think most people have had to sit through food hygiene training at one point or another. So boring. Anyway never occurred to be an a result that we couldn't travel for 6 hours with bread and milk.

LazyFace · 30/10/2019 20:43

Get some food delivered for all of you. Why do you expect older people to look after you all? It should be the other way around.

JulietakaIris · 30/10/2019 20:44

Hatred?! Where?

In fact don't bother to explain I will leave it there. Dear me Hmm

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/10/2019 20:44

Does he shop in person or online? I’d send him a list and ask him if he wouldn’t mind getting a few things in for your time there. He’s obviously not tight/mean, but perhaps a bit thoughtless. then If you want to risk the generous Christmas gift you can ask how much you owe him for the shopping and then set it against your B&Q bill

BarbaraofSeville · 30/10/2019 20:44

Unless you are in a hot country, of course food will be fine for a 6 hour journey. I've also done food hygiene training and know that it's ridiculously conservative so have more or less ignored it all for the near 30 years of having my own house and the only time I've had food poisoning was due to a prepacked prawn sandwich that would have been made following food hygiene rules to the letter.

But if you don't want to take the non existent risk, whoever is not driving when you visit him could call him when you're on the way and ask him if he wants anything picking up/if he has in bread milk or whatever, or if you need to buy it on the way.

Agree that the best thing to do about the money is to take a chunk out of the money he gives you for Christmas and consider it as there to cover DIY or grocery bits.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/10/2019 20:44

Hatred? Wow that seems a bit strong!

Ellisandra · 30/10/2019 20:45

What kind of food safety training told you that you couldn’t bring long life milk, a box of cornflakes and a loaf of bread in the boot of your car?

There are so many options for “just having some stuff in” that you’d have to tell him what you wanted anyway. If my FIL helpfully and kindly bought milk, cornflakes and a loaf of seeded bread I’d still be heading to the shops (or rather the boot of my car!) for Stuff My Family Will Eat That Does Not Have Little Bits in it Mummy Grin

So - why not just say “FIL, could you please add xyz to your shopping?”. Up to you whether when you get there, you ask him how much you owe Wink

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 30/10/2019 20:45

YANBU!!

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 20:45

There is no bread or milk when you arrive

I should have clarified. There is enough for him not for anyone else. He is managing fine. He has the most awesome neighbors too so has a good support network which is a great comfort given that we are pretty much the only family he has now. We have asked him whether he'd consider moving down here and offered to help him find a place/ relocate if he wanted. He's lived in the same town all his life though and has always been set in his ways. We do understand why he doesn't want to move but just wanted him to know that he was welcome should he ever be tempted.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 30/10/2019 20:46

@73Sunglasslover YNBU

A gift of money is not a pot which he can then spend for the rest of the year.

If he wants to give you a generous gift then that's great but that does not given him the right to not pay you for things.

Re the bread and milk-I think you need to pick your battles.
Two separate issues-
He is too old a dog for this new trick-he has obviously been allowed to be a bit helpless/thoughtless. He is an old man who lives alone. My advice would be to just assume this is how it will be and either stop enroute, bring with you or expect to pop out.
Reminds me a bit of my late FIL.
He didn't mean to be thoughtless-this type of domestic stuff was just never in his remit.

AdaColeman · 30/10/2019 20:46

The cash in the cards is easy to control, just tell him that he can give it to the children himself when he next sees them, or if you feel they have to receive something on the day pop £20 in as a token for them.

He seems very generous in other ways, and presumably your DH will inherit from him eventually, so I wouldn't make a fuss about the odd pint of milk and loaf of bread.

Keep calm and nod and smile seems to be a good way to deal with old men!

category12 · 30/10/2019 20:47

Organise a grocery delivery for when you arrive.

I would imagine your FIL thinks that giving you £1K each does mean he doesn't necessarily need to repay minor sums. I think I would too. It's a long way to go before it evens out.

Raphael34 · 30/10/2019 20:47

You’re extremely petty op. Squabbling over change compared to the huge sums of money he’s handed out to you. And petty about the food aswell. I’ve regularly transported exotic meats overnight from London to Manchester in small polystyrene boxes with a little ice pack. It’s fine for 24-48 hours, and you think milk and bread will spoil in 6?? I think you don’t like this man for some reason and you’re picking apart everything he does. And he’s not long lost his wife and at his age is obviously struggling with being host all of a sudden and having to get in extra supplies. Have some pity for the poor man

MarthasGinYard · 30/10/2019 20:48

Are you married?

Is he actually your FIL

You speak of 'his wife'

Was that your MIL?

YABU and sound incredibly petty.

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/10/2019 20:48

Just get an online shop delivered before you arrive there.
And while you’re at it, cut the man some slack

Swipe left for the next trending thread