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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my FIL to pay what he owes!

313 replies

73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 19:58

My FIL lives by himself. He's elderly but in reasonable health most of the time. He is quite well off (over 300K in the bank we think) but doesn't spend much as he prefers a quiet life and simple things.

The issue is that he asks us to get things - like DIY stuff so my OH can fix things which are broken when we visit (we don't mind doing this) and presents for the kids (he says can you put £50 in a card for them from me) - but without prompting will usually not pay us back. My OH and I have completely joint finances. I bring home twice as much as him (irrelevant really, but just for context).

He is generous at other times, e.g. he gave us £1000 each (me and OH for Xmas last year). My OH says that because of this we can't ask him to pay us back as it's too awkward. But I say that we put that cash into the mortgage so don't actually have it to give to the kids and anyway he gave it as a gift, not a fund for us to hold for him to spend when he wants/ needs to.

I find FIL really difficult. He's used to thinking only of him, so for example when we visit, it takes around 6 hours to drive to his. He doesn't get milk or bread in for us or any other food. After we arrive I have to go to the supermarket to stock up on basics. His wife died a couple of years ago and he's been trained to be inept (or lazy??) around the house so I don't expect him to cook us meals but to order an extra pint of milk and buy enough bread for us all to have breakfast is really no big ask and certainly within his capabilities. I can't figure out whether my OH is being unreasonable or whether my frustration at being expected to join my OH's family in treating my FIL like someone who really can't do anything for anyone else is clouding my thinking about this.

YABU - yes it's unreasonable to ask your FIL to reimburse you for small sums of money when he's generous with presents sometimes.

YANBU - FIL should reimburse you and if he doesn't do it without prompting it's reasonable to expect OH to prompt him.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/10/2019 21:13

'One day we may inherit money but there's no banking on that and although my OH's dad is elderly, his dad's mum lived till 99 (so he might be more likely to himself).'

I was on your other AIBU Op where you spoke about your kitchen extension costs....

Hhhhmmmm🤔

Misunderstoodagain · 30/10/2019 21:14

I get it OP, don't worry.
It's all very well being generous at Xmas but a bit of a backhanded gift if you don't get to keep it... Think people are being a bit harsh on you OP. Like you said you didn't put into savings, you both used it to pay into the mortgage so the cash isn't sitting there for you to dip into for £50 notes for birthday cards etc.
The food situation I would just take on the chin as frustrating as it is. But I also think it's you DH that needs to approach it and not you unless you have a solid with relationship with your FIL

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:15

*You have an OH problem if your FIL will get things in if promoted but your OH doesn't want to do this.

How often do you visit? Assume it can't be that often given the distance.*

yes I think you are right. We visit around 4-5 times a year. My OH also visits on his own sometimes. Perhaps I need to take a step back and ask OH how he will get the food in if he's not willing to ask. Someone suggested freezing the milk which will be worth considering - by which I mean I can suggest that to my OH as a solution to his problem.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 21:16

You have an OH problem if he won't ask again.

Actually reading a lot of this boils down to your OH not asking rather than FIL not giving.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 30/10/2019 21:18

Play the long game op - surely you’re due to inherit FILs cash?

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:19

Hhhhmmmm

I think you might be reading too much into that. My OH suggested getting a interest only mortgage and banking on paying it off with his inheritance. That's why this was on my mind here. I am not counting my FIL's pennies and do not consider myself entitled to his cash.

The question really is about whether when someone has been very generous is it OK not to pay reimburse smaller sums. It's not about his inheritance. The only reason I mentioned his finances here is otherwise people would rightly think that perhaps he can't afford to pay these sums back.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 30/10/2019 21:19

Meat and milk - freeze and put in a cold box, it will stay cold for hours, or even days. You can use it once defrosted.

Bread doesn't go off that quickly and doesnt even need to be refrigerated.

Jimjamjooney · 30/10/2019 21:20

I don't think yabu OP and some previous posters are being fucking ridiculous, a gold digger, really?! Hmm

You don't give someone a gift then expect anything in return. Whether you want to set aside a sum if you receive another gift and use that to offset his borrowing is up to you.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:20

That isn't hatred that's how you are portraying yourself hmm

When people interpret things like that it says as much about them as the original writer.

OP posts:
spookysamhainwitch · 30/10/2019 21:21

@73Sunglasslover I don't understand why you want an elderly man to change his behaviour? I feel like what your complaining about isn't really what's bothering you OP. Is there something else about your DPs Dad that's upsetting you?

GooseFeather · 30/10/2019 21:22

Yes, I have read your posts, and I stand by my reading of them. You are unreasonable about your FIL. And being angry to everyone who doesn't agree with you.

Plenty of people made helpful suggestions on how to overcome your paranoia about food en route. You have knocked every one back for whatever illogical reason.

Just bloody ask him yourself for the money if you feel so aggrieved that he doesn't reimburse you and your DH doesn't want to.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:23

So ungrateful OP. Give the man a break and just pick up your own milk. He won't be around much longer.

Oh. Good. God. It is not about the sodding milk.

As others have agreed, getting the basics in, within our ability to do so, is how we are hospitable to others. I can get the sodding milk. I do get the sodding milk. I don't care about paying for the sodding milk. I don't want to talk about the sodding milk anymore.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 30/10/2019 21:25

While I agree with you that he should be paying you back the money you are stumping up on his behalf, the very generous money gift at Christmas does rather muddy the waters. I also agree that one should have nothing to with the other but honestly, if your FIL is just disorganised/absent minded, I would let it go. If it would hurt his feelings, it's not worth arguing about. My granny started doing this as she got older, it might be worth keeping an eye on his mental health.

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 21:27

If OH isn't your husband you won't be inheriting anything either OP. He will but none of it will be yours.

JemimaPyjamas · 30/10/2019 21:31

Not read all of the thread but I don't think you are being unreasonable. He gave you and OH a gift, not a kitty, and perhaps thinks that you are coming to help him rather than visit him. Yes, it's only bread etc but it's a bit crap when someone has driven hours and hours to come and visit!

Seemstress · 30/10/2019 21:33

You are unbelievably petty, give the poor guy a break. He's been more than generous to you and you are quibbling over a few bloody quid and a pint of milk.......if it's such an inconvenience for you to visit, stay at home and wallow in your self entitlement

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:33

*Yes, I have read your posts, and I stand by my reading of them. You are unreasonable about your FIL. And being angry to everyone who doesn't agree with you.

Plenty of people made helpful suggestions on how to overcome your paranoia about food en route. You have knocked every one back for whatever illogical reason.

Just bloody ask him yourself for the money if you feel so aggrieved that he doesn't reimburse you and your DH doesn't want to.*

People have lots of solutions to the 'food issue' but we have our own solution and don't want to change it. None of the solutions change the inhospitably of the situation which is the real challenge and sets the scene for the actual question which I asked. I'm not actually angry at people disagreeing with me. I welcome that. I'm cross at some of the rudeness in some of the replies and I'm frustrated that I can't get people to move on from the non issue of the milk (see above).

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:35

If OH isn't your husband you won't be inheriting anything either OP. He will but none of it will be yours.

We're married but if he inherits I will see the money as his not ours.

OP posts:
oobedobe · 30/10/2019 21:39

YABU

2K is an incredible sum to be gifted by a family member, I personally think this amount means you should overlook any other expenses that you cover for him during the year - unless these expenses are running into hundreds of pounds? Be polite and let it go.

Maybe the 2K was in part to cover/say thank you for things you paid for last year?

Tatiannatomasina · 30/10/2019 21:43

Freeze what you can before you go, it will defrost on the way there and keep everything cool.I live in Australia and often have to travel 5 hours plus with food in over 40 degree heat, its easy to do, cool box, ice blocks. Bingo

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:44

@73Sunglasslover I don't understand why you want an elderly man to change his behaviour? I feel like what your complaining about isn't really what's bothering you OP. Is there something else about your DPs Dad that's upsetting you?

I think that's a genuine question and I thank you for it? I don't think so but I've been rummaging around in my mind to see if there is something else I've not seen yet. My OH is hard work around his dad, which may be relevant perhaps. He disconnects from me a lot and leaves all the house work and kids looking after to me. It's not fun being there at all - it's lonely and dull. But I think he's still grieving his mum and he is worried about his dad so this is all to be expected and not something to give him a hard time about. I just want for him to re-engage with our marriage upon our return. I'd not want to be with the man he is around his dad - if he were like this all the time. But I don't think that's it. I don't think it's my own grief for my MIL either who was very special to me and showed me how family can treat each other. I saw FIL being selfish with her and squashing her dreams, e.g. convincing her that he couldn't be left for as long as it would take her to visit her grand-daughter (child of her dead daughter) in Australia and not letting her get a new bathroom for 40 years despite her increasing embarassment at the state of theirs. Actually maybe there is something, maybe that's it - I am angry at him for how he treated his wife. Especially as post her death he copes fine. But he didn't let her go to see her grand-daughter as he didn't want to be alone for 3 weeks (in the middle of which my OH would have visited).

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 30/10/2019 21:44

unless these expenses are running into hundreds of pounds?

They are.

OP posts:
nonevernotever · 30/10/2019 21:46

I am in a similar ish situation but I'm afraid that while I can see it is annoying I do think yabu. My mother is in her 80s and lives alone nearby. She sorts out her day to day shopping but is increasingly finding it difficult to travel elsewhere for eg particular sorts of Catfood, DIY stuff etc and is also struggling now with the Internet so we do end up buying lots of odds and ends on her behalf. She often forgets to ask how much her things have cost, or asks and then forgets to pay. However while her presents are not in your fil's league she is still very generous to us all and it would seem churlish in the extreme to hound her for payment for every small purchase. My only exception to that is to keep an eye on how much my sister has spent for her because she's a single mum on minimum wage. Dh and I won't starve if we buy mum a few sacks of cat litter. Ds might struggle more.

Rock4please · 30/10/2019 21:47

I have to say that I feel quite sorry for FIL. Widowed, alone, dependent upon neighbours, DIL who resents him and the time spent travelling to see him, begrudges buying a pint of milk for her own family's use, despite his generosity.

And how is it relevant how much he has in the bank (the might need care eventually) or the fact that you earn more than DH?

ashtrayheart · 30/10/2019 21:49

I would get DH to ask FIL to add his name to his bank account, then any expenses can be taken directly. He may have to take him to the bank to sort it out. It also makes sense for future planning (also power of attorney).

As for not getting food and milk in, my uncle would be like this; he doesn't even offer me a drink when I visit him! I think social awareness often just deteriorates with age.