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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:00

Sorry this is more of a rant than asking for advice Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:01

DP’s DDs 15th birthday, he is a lot older than that 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Whatdayisit7 · 30/10/2019 12:05

Congratulations on achieving your masters! I'm afraid to say that I think he's being fair. He's prioritising his DD even on this big event and that's how it should be. She may not be all that fussed now but in years to come she will look back and know that your DP was the best dad possible to her and always put her first.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:07

Really? You think he shouldn’t prioritise me just this once?
His DD isn’t even bothered

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/10/2019 12:08

I agree, his DD should come first over a nw partner. She will remember as an adult how he parented.

Presumably he has had it finance the part time working to allow you to study and done his share at home so has shown his support that way.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:09

I honestly wouldn’t treat him this way. It’s a one off event I cannot move that means a hell of a lot to me and he won’t attend for the sake of 10 mins in the car with DSD.
He’s taking her to breakfast on the morning if her birthday and dropping her to school and we will have already celebrated with her on the Sunday

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:10

Presumably he has had it finance the part time working to allow you to study and done his share at home so has shown his support that way
Nope that was all me too.

OP posts:
Whatdayisit7 · 30/10/2019 12:10

I understand what a huge day for you this is and you are fully entitled to be hurt by his choice but I think he is making the right choice.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:10

She’s not even aware he’s planning to pick her up, it’s not like he’s letting her down.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 30/10/2019 12:11

I agree with PP's, she's a child and his daughter and it's absolutely right that he puts her first.

Pinkflipflop85 · 30/10/2019 12:12

DD comes first which is how it should be. Graduation ceremonies are pretty dull anyway....could he find a different way of celebrating with you?

raspberryk · 30/10/2019 12:13

To be honest I'm on the fence but , it's only a 15th, she will have countless other birthdays and you won't have another graduation... I think on balance I would expect him to compromise and do birthday stuff at the weekend and take her in the morning, and to come to your graduation.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:13

Graduation ceremonies are pretty dull anyway
Maybe to you, but this huge for me.

OP posts:
Userzzzzz · 30/10/2019 12:14

I can see why you are upset but actually I think he is showing his daughter she matters and he wants to see her which is a good sign given all the posts on here about dad’s that don’t care. But, I’d have thought shifting so he sees her in the morning and goes to the graduation would be a good compromise enabling him to do both.

Gillian1980 · 30/10/2019 12:14

Sorry but I think yabu.

It’s his daughters birthday! That is the priority.

Congratulations on your masters, brilliant achievement. But the graduation ceremony itself is just not a priority for a lot of people. Just enjoy it with your mum and let him enjoy seeing his daughter.

Maybe arrange something to celebrate with him on a better day, like a meal or similar.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 12:14

As your dsd is 15 not 5 and won't be bothered YANBU. What he's proposing would be a sweet thing to do for a small child or a landmark birthday, but as you say a 15 year old probably won't be that bothered especially if he sees her in the morning to give her her present.

Can you casually, as neutrally as possible and without any bad feeling talk to your dsd and get her on side?

Mind you it sounds as though the MSc was a good plan because it gives you options for not relying on your partner at all... Perhaps it isn't the right relationship for you - am I right in thinking that you both have children from previous relationships but non together? If so it might be worth pausing any plans to merge lives further by buying a house together and marrying - you might be better off retaining or reclaiming your independence as from what you say he doesn't behave like a partner in the true sense generally.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:14

@raspberryk that’s what I was hoping for, a compromise. He could do both but is choosing not to

OP posts:
AmIThough · 30/10/2019 12:14

Even nicer that he wants to give her a nice surprise.

Your graduation will be hours of him sitting there while you wait in a huge queue and spend 30 seconds walking across a stage. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's not even as exciting as a 10 minute car ride to him

Congratulations though - what a fantastic achievement!

NewBam · 30/10/2019 12:15

I’d just enjoy your day OP. I understand it must hurt but at least he’s a good father.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2019 12:15

He is U. Having her overnight so they can have a birthday breakfast sounds a much better plan. He's seriously going to kiss your graduation just to pick her up from school?

Think carefully before you marry this man, your life will be full of him getting his own way and not supporting you under the guise of 'putting her first'. A decent dad wouldn't need to say that, sounds like he's trying to make a point.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2019 12:16

Miss not kiss!

ArsenicGreen · 30/10/2019 12:17

At the age of 15 she is old enough to have a sensible conversation with him about it. I agree with you OP.

quincejamplease · 30/10/2019 12:17

He's celebrating her birthday regardless. I somewhat doubt her dad missing one 10 minute school run because he will be at a very special event is going to leave her with lifelong issues or trauma. Hmm

People have random stuff come up that means someone else has to do a pick up. It's not a big deal.

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:17

I agree with your DP

Cocolapew · 30/10/2019 12:17

Of course you're not be unreasonable Confused