Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 12:44

What has happened on his daughters last 4 birthdays. Does he always take the day off work? If yes then I guess YABU. However this would be a huge deal to me and it would be a red flag if my partner was unwilling to compromise to please me.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 12:44

Completely agree with @Newtothis2017

15yr olds are not little children who will stamp their feet if they perceive they aren't being put first. Give our youngsters some credit that a simple conversation can be had to explain how important this event is to the OP and how the father wants to attend. Just as he will want to attend the daughters graduation. How academic achievement should be celebrated just how we celebrate other things.

He can still see his daughter on her birthday! Just not after school for ten minutes.

Motoko · 30/10/2019 12:44

I am hurt because it seems he’s just not bothered about me.

He isn't, which is why you shouldn't be marrying him. You have a choice to make. Either carry on for the rest of your life like this, or cancel the wedding, and make plans to split up.

CandyflossKing · 30/10/2019 12:45

Congratulations and YANBU!

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:48

The thing is DSD and I get on really well, I love her to bits. I know she’d say “oh go! It’s important!”
@Belindabelle he didn’t last year, I think the year before he did, but I don’t remember before that. It’s certainly not a tradition, he didn’t take his youngest DDs birthday off work in April

OP posts:
MissingPanda · 30/10/2019 12:49

I do wonder if these children who always come first grow up to be the spoilt, selfish, entitled adults you hear about.

OP YANBU

Think twice about marrying and buying a house with this man. His refusal to compromise speaks volumes about how he views you and your relationship.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:49

How academic achievement should be celebrated just how we celebrate other things
I also think it should be made to feel like a big deal to the kids too. Graduating is a big achievement and I want them to aim high too

OP posts:
AliceLittle · 30/10/2019 12:51

Yanbu. 15 is old enough to rationalise the importance of graduation to a lift on the birthday.

I'd seriously be questioning if I would want to marry who couldn't see that.

FAQs · 30/10/2019 12:52

Any chance he is using it as an excuse because he is intimidated by the event. My father attended mine but hated the actual day, atmosphere, photos etc he felt incredibly out of place and was pleased when it was over. He never said anything and was very polite but I could tell by his body language!

Gemma2019 · 30/10/2019 12:52

Congratulations on your massive achievement. To be honest I think he doesn't actually want to attend your graduation and is making a show of putting his DD first because he doesn't want to say no. He knows that his DD won't be bothered if he doesn't see her again in the afternoon. It's an excuse.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 12:52

Children come first but this is a deflection.

Children also get used as excuses when the children are not remotely bothered.

Tbh I've used my children to get out of things too - I think most people do. People use their pets similarly (along the lines of "can't go to distant family member's formal evening party / cringe worthy hen do / overseas wedding requiring an overnight stay because I can't leave the kids/ dogs" - subtext being thank goodness...)

Putting children first is a no brainwr where it's genuine but sometimes it's an excuse. Sometimes it's fair enough to use whatever excuse as being politer than saying that you just don't want to go, but it also does tell you something.

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast you're ignoring all the comments suggesting that you do not marry or merge finances with a man who you say never, ever puts you first.

I hope you're thinking seriously about whether it's a good idea to marry and get a mortgage with this man.

Obviously not specifically because of the graduation (I didn't go to my own MSc graduation and also completed my MSc whole working full time - though pre kids - and got a distinction. I hate graduation ceremonies or any formal event like that, but it was my graduation so my choice - I only went to my undergraduate graduation because my parents wanted it) but because you say that this is typical and he never, ever puts you first even when something means a lot to you and not much to anyone else.

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 12:53

OP, YANBU.

Children do NOT always come first. Sometimes, it's right that others come first, especially in a one off situation.

He's taking her to breakfast that day anyway, and a 15 isn't going to be bothered about acpuckup, she'll more than likely want to be walking with her friends.

And as you say this is a repeating pattern, that you are always bottom of the pile, I'd say take those rose tinted specs off, and have a damn good look at your relationship before getting married.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:53

@FAQs maybe. But he should suck it up really and be polite enough to come because he knows how much it means to me, just like your dad did

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 30/10/2019 12:56

Is there any chance of an extra ticket. Then DSD can come too. If you get on it would be nice for her to be there and motivational for her future exams/uni.

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2019 12:56

I don’t think this is fair of your dp, but I could get past it if he’d made me feel he was proud of me for my achievement in some other way. Is there an example of something he’s achieved at work/life that you could use in a discussion with him?
If he doesn’t make you feel special and hasn’t supported you through this degree, and is literally telling you he will never prioritise you I’d be thinking about this wedding very seriously.

weymouthswanderingmermaid · 30/10/2019 12:57

YANBU OP. The step parenting posts on here always amaze me as there are so many people who just cannot accept that sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok to not put your kids first. I think you've been hit by the anti-stepmother brigade on here today!
The fact that;

  • he's only going to see his daughter for 10mins
  • her staying over and having a birthday breakfast and would mean actually quality time together.
  • she is not yet aware of any plans do a change is bit going to upset her.
  • you have a good relationship with her and you know that she would agree with you
...all mean that he is being the unreasonable one. Good luck, OP. I hope you fund a resolution.
FAQs · 30/10/2019 12:58

My poor dad didn’t have any choice really he also had to look after my then 2 year old daughter as well, otherwise I think he would rather have eaten his own eyeballs Grin bless him.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:58

@Dixiechickonhols I’m limited to 2 guests, even if I had extras I would invite my own DD to be honest, as she’d be happy to come.
In fact I may just take my DD and cut DP off from it entirely

OP posts:
PandaPantaloon · 30/10/2019 12:58

Yabu it's his daughter and she should always come before you. As your children should come before him

It's no wonder there are so many parents regretting having children when this bollocks is being spouted about. There are plenty of occasions when it is fine to put yourself or your partner before your children, like in this case. You don't stop being a person when you become a parent and it is really important that your children see that too. You are a person with wants and needs, as are your children and you all work together and compromise when needed.
The OPs partner seeing his daughter in the morning instead of the afternoon is surely a fair compromise. He gets to see his daughter, she gets to see her dad and the OP gets to have her partner there to support her at a big moment in her life.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 13:01

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast do that - invite your DD and have I mentioned seriously rethinking the wedding and joint mortgage

meyouandlulutoo · 30/10/2019 13:04

I think taking your own DD along instead of DP is a good idea. She will be tremendously proud of you.

Applesanbananas · 30/10/2019 13:04

yanbu. so the big thing is he wants to pick her up from school?? that's it? She is 15 not 5. She wont care, she has plans with her mother.
off course this is a massive deal for you, he should be there.
unfortunately the responses disagreeing are probably from some bitter people here. There are some instances such as this where the child doesnt always come first.

DriftingLeaves · 30/10/2019 13:06

I think he's jealous of your success.

He's a prick, of course he should be there.

pikapikachu · 30/10/2019 13:11

I have kids a similar age and they'd rather have pressies 2 days early than get picked up from school. They'd have absolutely no problem with not seeing their Dad in their birthday. Your compromise of her waking up at yours on her birthday is also fab- special birthday brekkie sounds awesome

pikapikachu · 30/10/2019 13:12

I think that the posters who mentioned him being jealous or not wanting to sit through a graduation are probably right tbh Sad