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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
ParisInTheSpringtime · 30/10/2019 12:19

YANBU. She’s 15, not 5. She’ll have other birthdays and probably won’t even care. A graduation is (mainly) a once in a lifetime occasion. In any case he can do both as you have suggested.

quincejamplease · 30/10/2019 12:19

Presumably by the logic of some posters he won't need to bother attending his daughter's future graduation either. Much more important that he picked her up from school age 15. Who needs loved ones at their graduation? Waste of time.

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:19

e. He could do both but is choosing not to

So forget the graduation issue

The more important issue is that you are with someone who doesn’t seem that in to you

NewyddJobbio · 30/10/2019 12:20

Surprised at responses. I would do something special with my DD and go to your graduation. Congratulations.
Is he a bit of an asshole in other ways too?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 12:20

Going against the grain here, I think YANBU, he clearly doesn't want to celebrate with you - could he be jealous? His dd is 15 and has her mother too You have suggested other options for seeing her on her actual birthday which he has not considered.
This blanket 'kids come first' is often used as an excuse when actually it is okay sometimes for others to come first.
His dd may well want to go out after school with her friends anyway. She isn't a little child and it is not a landmark birthday.

Honestly - how supportive is he of what you have achieved? Do you think he might feel threatened? Does he come across as really pleased for you? Proud of you?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:20

Even nicer that he wants to give her a nice surprise
She won’t be bothered, this is the thing. She’s at that age where she’ll likely find this mortifying, dad at the school gates Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:21

It’s not just a graduation, I’m getting an award too. It is a big deal for me and he knows this.

OP posts:
FAQs · 30/10/2019 12:21

I have a 15 year old daughter and she would definitely think the graduation is more important, her and her friends don’t see 15 as a big deal, most spent their 15th talking about what they want to do for their 16th!

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:23

This blanket 'kids come first' is often used as an excuse when actually it is okay sometimes for others to come first

I agree with this and I have 2 DCs of my own. They don’t blindly come first to the detriment of the rest of the family.
I’m just really hurt he won’t even consider compromising.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 30/10/2019 12:23

I think he's being unreasonable, but what stands out to me is that it sounds like this is a pattern of behaviour of him taking you for granted. Is that the case, and if so do you see a future with him?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:24

Honestly - how supportive is he of what you have achieved? Do you think he might feel threatened? Does he come across as really pleased for you? Proud of you?

That’s a good question. I’m not sure really, he’ll say well done but he’s not as proud of me as some of my friends for example. He’s not academic at all, he is a manual worker so I just thought maybe he doesn’t realise how big of an achievement this is.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 12:24

Of course he knows this and that tells you all you need to know!

People saying how boring a graduation is actually quite rude. The OP has worked hard and it would be nice is her df could celebrate with her. He doesn't want to. The dds birthday is an excuse.

I would be considering my future with this person very carefully.

RuthW · 30/10/2019 12:25

Children are more important than partners of a few years. No brainer.

meyouandlulutoo · 30/10/2019 12:25

I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

Congratulations WineFlowers That is a fantastic achievement and you are quite right to be proud of yourself. I do understand your disappointment that your DP has decided not to attend your graduation ceremony, I also understand why he wants to see his DD on her birthday, does it have to be the school run though? Can he see her after the ceremony? I think your idea of her staying over the night before so he could see her on the morning of her birthday is a good one, you could also have a lovely pre-birthday meal to celebrate, or he could take her out. I don't see what you can do if he is adamant.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:25

I wanted him there so we could go for dinner afterwards and celebrate a bit.
I put everyone else first all the time but just this once I would like to feel proud and want his support

OP posts:
Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 12:26

Don't get a mortgage together Or marry him. He's just your boyfriend. If your finances have been seperate up til now keep them that way permanently.

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/10/2019 12:26

YANBU at all.

If I were you I would be reassessing how much he actually cares about you. You have achieved something phenomenal and he doesn’t even care enough to to be there at the detriment of a 10 minute car journey with his daughter.

If I were you I would feel very hurt that I, and my achievement, was being so casually disregarded.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 12:27

So, this is the tip of an iceberg, yes?

I'm guessing that while many would disagree with you on this one, in the context of the iceberg underneath, the way you feel might suddenly sound a LOT more reasonable.

More information needed, but I'm not sure I'd be using my nice increased wage to buy a family home to benefit someone who doesn't ever 'put you first, not once'.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:27

@RuthW we’re due to be married in a few months so that was a bit derogatory.
Should your “perceived” children’s wants come before a one-off request from your future wife?
I wouldn’t do this to him.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 12:28

Children are more important than partners of a few years. No brainer.

Is a ten minute lift on a 15yr olds birthday more important than a one off graduation for the person you intend to marry?

Sometimes children come first, sometimes.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:29

I of course want him to put his kids first in 99.9% of circumstances, but this seems unfair considering DSD isn’t bothered at all and it’s just a drop off from her school to her house. And there’s other ways he can spend time with her on her birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:29

Thank you @TheGoodEnoughWife

OP posts:
Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:29

Ruthw wasn’t being derogatory
She spoke the truth and odd that you think derogatory (and speaks volumes about your stance on children. I presume you don’t have children?)

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 12:30

Invite your DSD to your graduation in her dad's place Wink

LifeSpectator · 30/10/2019 12:31

i agree with you, i think your dp is being ridiculous