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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 12:31

I’m with you. Having her Monday night and taking her to school after breakfast then she having the evening with her mum is a much better plan.

I’m sorry he’s not being supportive. You should feel very proud and deserve a massive fuck off celebration. Do something fabulous with your mum and DC. Rethink the wedding.

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:31

The fact he has booked the day off and it’s months away before he knew about your graduation would indicate that him being present to do the school runs on his DD’s birthday is actually very important to him

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 12:32

I feel for you I really do because once you are trying to find ways he can attend and reasons why he should it is clear that he doesn't value you or your achievements apart from maybe the extra money you will bring in.

The very sad fact is he isn't attending because HE DOESN'T WANT TO and that would hurt me very badly. To the extent I would reconsider my future.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:32

@Lovemenorca yes I do have children, I have two.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 30/10/2019 12:33

The thing is - this is clearly super important to you whereas his daughter doesn’t care. That’s the clincher to me. If he had to choose then yes, you would be unreasonable to expect him to choose something important to you over something important to her.

But she doesn’t and you do.

He’s being an ass.

I bet his daughter thinks so too.

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:33

Been with DP (actually DF

What’s df?

Dandelion1993 · 30/10/2019 12:33

I also think he's made the right choice.

That's his child, it's already been arranged and even though she isn't bothered, he is. No parents wants to miss their child's birthday.

Your mum will be there and he can meet you afterwards.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:33

@Lovemenorca not really, he has holiday he can’t use this side of Christmas just to a huge workload so he’s taking some days in January instead.
It’s not a tradition they have or anything. If he didn’t have these extra few days holiday he wouldn’t have seen her on her birthday at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 30/10/2019 12:34

Wow I’m amazed at the sheer amount of people agreeing with your DP here! I wonder if it’s the whole step-mum thing?

If she were your own child together I wonder if people would think differently.

As previous posters, I wonder if this is a bigger issue about him feeling insecure / inferior / jealous of your achievements.

I too would feel devasted by my partners lack of support and desire to celebrate. It’s a HUGE achievement and well done 👍🏼

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:34

@Lovemenorca DF - dear fiancé. We’re getting married in May

OP posts:
Motoko · 30/10/2019 12:34

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings.

This sounds like an ongoing problem, and as such, doesn't make for a good relationship.

YANBU about this, he could compromise, but has chosen not to. If he really cared about you, he would be willing to compromise.

I agree with PPs, that you should have a long hard think about whether this relationship is right for you. Are you willing to spend your life with someone who will never prioritise you and your feelings? Because he's not going to change.

Congratulations on getting your Masters. Well done!

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 12:34

Well in that case - he just doesn’t want to come!!

So I would start rethinking those wedding plans

SuperMeerkat · 30/10/2019 12:34

Yeah, i’d Be annoyed. 15 isn’t even a special birthday. This contact time is more about your DP doing what he thinks he ‘should’ do rather than prioritising something that will only happen once for you.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:36

That's his child, it's already been arranged and even though she isn't bothered, he is. No parents wants to miss their child's birthday

She’s not aware and she’s not bothered. Like I said previously, if it wasn’t for his annual leave carry-over he likely wouldn’t have seen her anyway

OP posts:
Girlsmummy30 · 30/10/2019 12:36

Yabu it's his daughter and she should always come before you. As your children should come before him.

PepePig · 30/10/2019 12:36

YANBU. You've worked hard for this and it's a one off event. A 15th birthday isn't particularly special and I think his DD would genuinely prefer him to go to your graduation if he chucked her a few bob to go out with her mates, tbh.

It's interesting how him going to your graduation in some posters' eyes is awful, yet if he had to work all day and didn't see her instead that would be fine... some of you are off your rockers.

meyouandlulutoo · 30/10/2019 12:37

Sorry OP, cross posted. I now see he is taking his daughter to breakfast anyway on her birthday, it seems very odd that he is also insisting on picking her up for 10 minutes after school. She will probably be mortified that her Dad is collecting her. Is he in competition with his daughter's mother?

It doesn't seem that he holds any importance for your achievement at all. Would he act the same if it was a DD graduating? I would consider my future with this man if I were you.

HeavenlyEyes · 30/10/2019 12:38

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings

^The above makes me think that you should not marry him - regardless of your graduation.

Newtothis2017 · 30/10/2019 12:38

Of course he is being unreasonable.
If it was my dd I would explain this was a big event and do something another time and go and celebrate with my Dh. Kids can't come first all of the time. It is this mentality that is the reason we have so many snowflakes. Well done and congrats op

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:39

Would he act the same if it was a DD graduating?

I suspect there would be a full on party, a gift, a billion photos.
I am hurt because it seems he’s just not bothered about me.

OP posts:
bobbley · 30/10/2019 12:40

YANBU

He's being a dick. The problem is now, even if he does come it'll be under duress, the damage is done. I'd seriously consider the bigger picture, is this symptomatic of problems in the relationship?

Motoko · 30/10/2019 12:40

No parents wants to miss their child's birthday.

He won't be missing his child's birthday. He'll be having breakfast with her, and taking her to school. Another 10 minutes on the drive home, won't make any difference, it's not as if he's taking her out anywhere.

DPotter · 30/10/2019 12:41

Congratulations on your achievement !Flowers

YANBU to be upset he doesn't want to celebrate your achievement. I also think he's being a little over the top with his DD - he's taking a day off work to collect his DD and take her home - a trip of 10 mins. When it sounds like he is seeing her on the morning of her birthday anyway. Has he come up with any suggestions on how he can share in your graduation ? eg slap up lunch before hand, meet you after for a celebratory dinner, bought you flowers.? Could he be planning a surprise for you?

If this isn't happening, then I think you need a cold hard look at your future together sadly.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 12:41

Yabu it's his daughter and she should always come before you. As your children should come before him
To
There needs, yes I agree. Wants, no not always. She won’t even want to be collected by him, she’ll be ambivalent about it @Girlsmummy30

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 30/10/2019 12:43

I agree with you OP. You could all celebrate her birthday at the weekend and he could drop her at school on her birthday morning, as planned, and come to your graduation. I'd be very hurt

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