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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 30/10/2019 13:14

Definitely take your mum and DD then - they will appreciate the event more. Even if you do persuade your DP to go you will know that he doesn't want to be there and it will mar the event.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 30/10/2019 13:22

I don’t think either of you ABU. He sounds like a lovely dad making a lovely gesture to show his daughter that he loves her. I do think kids should come first but I can understand why you’re disappointed. Also, graduation ceremony’s are painfully boring - can’t you have a big celebration together in the evening instead as compromise?

Honeyroar · 30/10/2019 13:22

In five or six years time it could be her graduating. He ought to be supporting you and making a fuss of you on your graduation and thus also teaching her that it's something special to work hard and achieve a good qualification. You're not asking him to ignore her birthday or not see her on it, you're just asking him to see her in the morning and at the weekend rather than on the schoolrun (might be more of a difficult decision if she was six!!). If he can't see what a milestone it is for you and doesn't think it important to celebrate it and support you I don't actually see the point in him as a husband/partner. Yes stepchildren should be put first, but it doesn't mean that some sense should be put into that, nor that things shouldn't be flexible occasionally.

Lulu1919 · 30/10/2019 13:23

I think he's been a bit mean ....she's 15 ...can't he talk to her and ask her what she thinks about him seeing her but then doing your ceremony too .
I'm all for 'kids come first' but at 15 she's old enough to realise that's not always real life !??

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:23

can’t you have a big celebration together in the evening instead as compromise?
Maybe, I’ll see if he’ll be willing to drive over to meet us. It’s not the point though is it. I just wanted him to support me, whether he’ll find it boring or not is irrelevant.

OP posts:
PippiDeLena · 30/10/2019 13:24

Definitely take your DD instead, and please reconsider marrying him. He doesn't prioritise you or make you feel supported. He might be a good dad but he's not a good partner.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:25

He sounds like a lovely dad making a lovely gesture to show his daughter that he loves her
Why can’t he show me he loves me too? They don’t have to cancel each other out

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/10/2019 13:26

Congrats, OP, that's a great achievement.

Tell him to bog off, have a lovely celebration with your DM and DD and next time he wants you to do something with him blow him off. Then you're even Wink

I never saw my dad on my birthday growing up. The one year he was home at that time I was deployed somewhere else… it hasn't broken me.

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 30/10/2019 13:27

He’s using the birthday as an excuse- he doesn’t want to go! If he’s not academic and not been to university then this environment is alien to him.

For what it’s worth I went to two graduations, bored as hell, so didn’t go to my own. Just accept that he doesn’t want to go, and take someone who does.

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 13:27

OP, take your DD, and also, just remember that a wedding will not make a person automatically supportive of you.

Some of us have suggested you re-evaluate the relationship, because we know this won't be the only example of you being put last all the time.

AJPTaylor · 30/10/2019 13:27

I would be hurt.
I did an MBA 4 years part time from 35 to 39 whilst working full time with 2 kids. What kept me going at the end was thinking about the graduation ceremony. My dh, mum, daughters and my pil went. I would have been very upset if dh hasn't come.

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 30/10/2019 13:28

And I’ve been with my dp 3 years- my dc still come before him always. 4 years is nothing.

57Varieties · 30/10/2019 13:30

*The thing is - this is clearly super important to you whereas his daughter doesn’t care. That’s the clincher to me. If he had to choose then yes, you would be unreasonable to expect him to choose something important to you over something important to her.

But she doesn’t and you do.

He’s being an ass.*

This

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:30

@Theresnobslikeshowbs you put them first in 100% of circumstances, even when it is unnecessary, won’t make your children any happier but will make your partner unhappy?
Wow. Good luck with that.
I certainly don’t do that with my kids

OP posts:
Peanutbutterforever · 30/10/2019 13:33

He is being v v unreasonable. Yes, kids come first, but overall, not on every logistical matter.

He is either v intimidated by the event, or just not bothered about you.

Take your kids and have a ball. WELL DONE OP!!!

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:34

Thank you for all the messages of congratulations Grin

OP posts:
Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 13:35

Theresnobslikeshowbs that's not really the issue here though. His 15 year old DD doesn't even want him to pick her up from school anddrive her 10 minutes to her mum's as far as we know, and he's dismissed the idea of her staying overnight and waking up to a birthday breakfast instead.

He's using his DD as an excuse, not genuinely putting her first.

saraclara · 30/10/2019 13:35

From what you've said about your relationship with her, your DSD would probably be horrified that he wasn't supporting you at the graduation.

I'm amazed that so many people are backing him on here, given that she'll already have had her birthday celebration with you on Sunday and a birthday breakfast with you both. As a pp said, I can only imagine it's the step mother bias.

Spacerader · 30/10/2019 13:36

Congratulations op. You should be super proud of yourself.

Also yanbu, no 15 year old wants picking up. And I’m sure she would understand that her dad was going to your graduation.

But just to put another spin on it, so you think your dp feels uncomfortable attending because he is not academic, and may be using the achool pick up as an excuse. When my dp attended my graduation he said he felt super out of place and uncomfortable as he isn’t at all academic.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 13:36

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast are you having no second thoughts about marrying this person in May?

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 30/10/2019 13:37

Well as mine are an adult and also most an adult, they have been with me far longer than a boyfriend, who could be gone in the next year or so. Maybe he’s seeing it the same way- therefore wants to spend the time with his daughter. But I go back to my first conclusion- it’s an excuse he’s telling you he does not want to go. Accept it and invite someone else🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:39

@Theresnobslikeshowbs then why marry me? If he thought I was going to be gone, why make me his wife?

OP posts:
Louloulovesyou · 30/10/2019 13:40

Gosh some people are so aggressive and sanctimonious on here. I feel for you. Most 15 year olds don't want hang out with their parents on their birthday anyway. I have just asked my 14 year old sister and she thinks he should go to your graduation. She says she wouldn't care at all (and we have a similar split family situation). It sounds like your DP is a bit blinkered and choosing the easiest option. Anyway well done on Masters, i am in awe of doing all that whilst parenting and looking after kids.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:40

@Anothernotherone yes.
There’s also another major thing that might happen at the end of January, which I have made my feelings perfectly clear about and if he does it then I will be calling off the wedding regardless.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:40

Thank you @Louloulovesyou your DD sounds lovely too x

OP posts: