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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 31/10/2019 15:54

I’m a step daughter and I’d have thought my dad was being a massive dick if he did this.

When he could have her in the morning & then have a nice birthday breakfast rather than just sit in the car?

I imagine he just doesn’t want to go to your graduation and is using this an excuse. Maybe he’s lazy, maybe he resents your success. I’m not sure the reason really matters.

I’d think twice about marrying him as he simply doesn’t care enough.

Sorry.

owlonabike · 31/10/2019 16:13

What's his attitude to his DD's education, OP? Does he talk to her about her studies, show an interest in her homework, attend parents' evenings- in short, show her that he values education? Because if not, I think your differing values might be a problem.

Molteni · 31/10/2019 18:12

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

That's just unkind, Molteni. For some people, the ceremony is important and the OP has said that for her, it is. You could at least acknowledge that.

I didn’t mean to be unkind. I’m a cynic. You put in the work and acquire a skillset: sufficient reward. The ceremony is a non-event in my book, hardly life-changing. She’s an adult (in her thirties). I wouldn’t miss it if my attendance was required by my child, godchild … Plenty of other ways to celebrate and show his appreciation – I hope he does. Though even if I (as you rightly said) acknowledge that the event is important for her, I still think his daughter is more important here – especially since he’s only been with the OP for four years. If he’s consistently selfish, then there is obviously a problem.

RunsForGummyBears · 31/10/2019 18:29

YANBU.

I have avoided my graduations like the plague as I hate them. BUT when my mom got her MA I went, because it wasn't about me it was about her and celebrating her achievement.

Congratulations OP! You deserved better (I think you might know that)

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2019 18:43

The ceremony is a non-event in my book, hardly life-changing

But it isn't your book, is it? Your book's irrelevant here because it's not your graduation. Whatever you do think of as an important life event, imagine it's that, and that your partner is making excuses not to go and be with you.

leomama81 · 31/10/2019 18:44

Four years is quite a long time, especially when they are getting married. This talk of OP as a "new girlfriend" by some posters does seem to come from a particular perspective, and an unfair one IMO.

mrsmuddlepies · 31/10/2019 19:01

You do not sound as if you are well suited. You have done really well academically. He does not seem impressed by academic achievement. Making him attend your graduation may feel to him like you are rubbing his nose in his failure to achieve much academically. You will have a nicer time if you take your mother and children. It doesn't sound as if he has much time for your world. it does not sound like you have much in common.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 31/10/2019 22:00

Just how long does it take for a "new" girlfriend to become a proper legitimate partner and future wife these days as far as MN is concerned? As obviously 4 years isn't enough for the OP to be classed as a permanent feature of this admittedly dim sounding man?

I met and married my first husband after a year. We were together over 20.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/10/2019 23:03

Just how long does it take for a "new" girlfriend to become a proper legitimate partner and future wife these days as far as MN is concerned?

According to the first wives club of MN, probably around twenty years I should think.

57Varieties · 01/11/2019 00:31

Just how long does it take for a "new" girlfriend to become a proper legitimate partner and future wife these days as far as MN is concerned?

Well exactly.

A four year relationship and engaged to be married described as a “new” relationship. How dismissive and insulting. My husband and I married after 6 years together and that was much longer than most of our contemporaries were together before marriage.

SD1978 · 01/11/2019 00:35

I actually agree with you. He's picking her up from home, taking her out to breakfast- that's a nice suprise for her. Driving her ten minutes home after school as well doesn't seem necessary, given he is seeing her in the morning and will presumably not be going in the house with her in the evening. I can understand why you're hurt- this is an achievement and you should be proud. Enjoy the day with your mum, and celebrate your achievement. You're not going to be able to change his mind, so not u reasonable to be hurt, but ultimately also he has made his choice and you need to be ok with that too. Well done xxx

goalpie2 · 01/11/2019 01:11

He's using this as an excuse. You deserve better.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 08:26

@strawberrieshortcake If actually did read the entire thread, you'd know that compromises have been suggested that allows him to spend more time with his daughter. So, clearly you haven't. And no, any good marriage therapist will tell you that children do NOT 'always' come first. Sometimes, for the sake of the marriage and family unit, a spouse's needs have to be prioritised. Next time read the actual thread before commenting.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 08:27

*If you

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 08:30

@strawberrieshortcake Yet again, you prove you haven't read the thread. He clearly is NOT prioritising his daughter because he chooses to spend less time with his daughter, not more. Prioritising would be to choose what the OP suggested which will allow him to spend more time with his daughter. You are unable to see that this has nothing at all to do with his daughter, he is USING HER has an excuse.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/11/2019 08:42

Congratulations. The point is he is not choosing to do something that matters to you. He is not showing he is proud of you or wants to celebrate with you. He’s not even showing he is torn.

Don’t marry him. You deserve better.

You sound like a decent step parent.

strawberrieshortcake · 01/11/2019 09:34

I have stated numerous times that I have in fact read the entire thread which I doubt you have considering you seemed to have skipped the entire first few pages where the OP suggests she shouldn’t see his daughter at all on that day because she ‘doesn’t care’.

I have not mentioned anything about how much time he spends with her and whether OP’s suggestions mean he can spend more time with her. Maybe he or she really wants him to pick her up, we as third parties have no idea.
I stick by what I’ve said, if he decides that he desperately needs to drive her that’s his choice. As it is the OP’s choice to break up with him which seems like the best course of action.

strawberrieshortcake · 01/11/2019 09:34

*he shouldn’t see his daughter

brighteyeowl17 · 01/11/2019 09:38

I’d be hurt he isn’t willing to make any comprise and question my role.

Dislocatedeyeballs · 01/11/2019 10:12

I think he is trying to be a good dad but actually if you really think she wouldn't be bothered I would speak to the daughter could she come to graduation and have a double celebration instead? Or if she genuinely isn't fussed (tbh what 15 year old wants to spend her birthday with her dad??) Tell her and she can make other arrangements with her mum/friends whatever and tell her dad she's unavailable. I see both sides but if it was me I would find a way for them both to be there if possible.I wouldn't accept him not coming I think that's not on

leomama81 · 01/11/2019 10:53

@strawberrieshortcake - OP makes very clear in her OP that she's talking about the evening pickup and that the compromise is he has the morning and the night before if they want. Nowhere does she say he shouldn't see his daughter at all. You either haven't read the posts properly or you are reading what you want to see/projecting.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 11:06

@strawberrieshortcake She suggests absolutely NOTHING of the sort! If you read the OP's posts there is no way you could possibly come away with that conclusion. You are making things up now.

MulticolourMophead · 01/11/2019 11:09

strawberrieshortcake if you had read the entire thread, you would have seen the following:

He’s taking her to breakfast on the morning if her birthday and dropping her to school

So OP was clearly wanting her DP to skip the evening pickup, while not missing the breakfast with his DD. So, hell see his DD on her birthday regardless of whether he attends the graduation or not.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 01/11/2019 11:21

I think that always putting children first, no matter what, is one of the main reasons we are raising a generation of generally spoilt and entitled youngsters. They never learn to compromise or to think about other people’s feelings.
We are all humans and respect and consideration should be given to all members of the family, regardless of age.
In this case the graduation is a huge thing that’s taken months of hard work and deserves to be celebrated and for ops partner to go with her to recognise that. Op will obviously go out of her way to make her step daughters birthday great over the weekend and she will see her Dad on the morning of her birthday.
They can both have what they want.
I couldn’t marry a man who could be so inconsiderate of my feelings

Motoko · 01/11/2019 11:27

Strawberryshortcake has decided that OP is in the wrong, and no proof otherwise, will change her opinion. There are always posters like that, pointless arguing with them.