To want DP to attend my graduation

[TheFatherSonAndHolyToast]

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

YANBU. There’s a lot of bitter posters on MN who hate stepmums, just ignore them.

Massive congratulations on your masters and award!

He didn't support you throughout studying. He doesn't have your back and he doesn't see you two as part of a team. Sorry OP but I wouldn't be marrying him.

Butterymuffin

But it isn't your book, is it? Your book's irrelevant here because it's not your graduation. Whatever you do think of as an important life event, imagine it's that, and that your partner is making excuses not to go and be with you.

Well off course, but my response resulted from being called unkind because I called a graduation ceremony “nothing special”. I still stand by that opinion- it’s okay to disagree. And for what it’s worth: if there was no child involved I would think he was being unkind for not attending the ceremony, if it was important to her. In this case there is a child, and in truth he might even be lying about his motives (those ten minutes might be important to him or not), I don’t particularly care. Child>Partner of four years. I think a good compromise is celebrating another day.

FWIW, I think he is being very unreasonable as well. You provided a compromise (seeing DSD the day before) that was eminently reasonable. He's being a bit of a twat for reasons of his own, probably jealousy. Sorry.

Molteni, you've misunderstood the reason why I said your post was unkind (it was). It's because you overlaid the circumstances on yourself without acknowledging that for the OP, the ceremony is very important. Such a ceremony isn't important to you - or to me actually, I agreed with you on that - but I can comprehend that the ceremony matters to the OP.

If you don't get that and can't put yourself in somebody else's shoes then it's best just to say nice things until you get the hang of it.