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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 30/10/2019 13:41

Crazy fucking answers as usual Confused

You are must definitely NOT being unreasonable. You’ve done amazingly well. Absolutely bloody fantastic. I would move mountains to be there with you if I were a loved one. It’s not his daughters 18th or 21st. I have no memory whatsoever how I celebrated my 15th. His daughter should have the maturity to realise this is a special occasion for you and her dad will be with her in the morning but with you in the afternoon.

Honestly OP reconsider your relationship
Something doesn’t sit right in my mind.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 13:45

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast I'm glad you're not putting your head in the sand / compartmentalizing and ploughing through to get the wedding done regardless of everything he's telling you about himself and your relationship and status.

BeesKnees4 · 30/10/2019 13:45

So on the day he is taking his DD to school in the morning and dropping her off after school?
Surely he can arrange to see her that evening after the graduation?
He’s booked a full day off to do a school run? I think he’s being ridiculous, his DD probably won’t care who does the school run.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 13:48

I am shocked by the amount of ppl saying the DP is BU.
He is choosing to be available for his DD. You think he can do both, but what happens if he gets stuck in traffic or the ceremony is delayed. Trying to two major events in one dayis a recipe for disaster.
It is her BD and she is his Daughter, she should take priority and you don't get to decide whether she feels it is important or not.
And it is not about him choosing his DD first, it is about you trying to push and test his loyalties.

RhiWrites · 30/10/2019 13:50

Look, I get that you are disappointed and maybe this is a wider relationship issue bit unis have multiple graduation ceremony dates @TheFatherSonAndHolyToast. Why not graduate at another time? It might not be with your cohort but it would be highly unusual for them to have only one ceremony that you’re allowed to attend. You could move the date if he is unwilling to budge on this one thing.

GracefulHare · 30/10/2019 13:50

YANBU, dsd may even have other plans for after school! He should make time to come to the graduation. What you've achieved is amazing. It's absolutely not selfish to expect a bit of your partner's support.

57Varieties · 30/10/2019 13:51

Trying to two major events in one dayis a recipe for disaster

Picking up a 15 year old child from school is not a “major event”.

Derbee · 30/10/2019 13:56

You’re threatening to call the wedding off in January? Maybe he’s prioritising his daughter because he knows that relationship is forever?

BendingSpoons · 30/10/2019 13:58

YANBU. It would be different if his DD was bothered but sounds like she isn't. You can celebrate a birthday another day but not a graduation. Doesn't help you though if that is what he has decided.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 13:59

@Cheeseandwin5 have you read my previous posts?
He is seeing her in the morning for breakfast, he is only picking her up and dropping her home which clashes with my ceremony. It’s 10 mins in the car, on her 15th birthday, not a major event.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 14:00

@Derbee no I haven’t threatened it all, I am considering it if he goes against my express wishes regarding something major.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 14:02

@RhiWrites I don’t know why you think I can just turn up on a different day Confused
There are multiple ceremonies because each ceremony is for different subjects or faculties. My subject is on that day at that specific time, if I can’t attend then I don’t get to attend a graduation ceremony.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 30/10/2019 14:03

Yes, I think he's being unreasonable. I think he doesn't want to be bored.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 14:03

What's the January thing OP?

Look, this thread wouldn't be happening if you were happy and secure with this person.

Either he'd obviously be coming, would want to be there, no problem... or, if he weren't, you'd know it was for a genuinely good reason and because you believe in his love and respect for you and that he values what you do, you'd be ok with it.

This isn't about a graduation really.

If this is a watershed moment for you, use it to the best of your ability, is all I will say.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 14:04

And January sounds like another watershed moment hanging over you.

It shouldn't be like that.

It REALLY shouldn't be like that with someone you're thinking of marrying and tying yourself to financially.

You have your Masters, I think I'd be considering putting my kids first (and myself) and using my bettered situation to look after my own interests... not his.

Gottobefree · 30/10/2019 14:05

Graduation is a massive deal ! It's a day to celebrate your massive achievements ! well done to you.

It's great that DP is so caring and considerate to his DD.... but with it being only a 15th and no real intentions to celebrate with him I think it would be fine for him to celebrate with DD on another day. Birthdays are every year and can be celebrated anytime.... graduation is only once and only on a certain date !

Hope it works out. Maybe suggest organising a celebration for DD so you have an excuse to free him up to attend your graduation! x

Gottobefree · 30/10/2019 14:07

@RhiWrites Unfortunately you can't choose when you graduate. The multiple day cermonies are split into subjects & classes. OP has no choice as to when she can graduate.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 14:10

@FizzyGreenWater I can’t go into too much detail as it will be very outing, but essentially it involves his ex making a “last minute” demand (she pretends childcare has fallen through last min all the time) which I have been tipped off about in advance, which also clashes with our own plans.
Essentially if he cancels our plans to accommodate hers again under the guise of “doing it for the kids because they come first” I will literally walk.

OP posts:
BeesKnees4 · 30/10/2019 14:13

The pp saying ‘kids always come first’, I’m afraid not, you’re setting them
up for big disappointments in life if they grow up assuming their needs/wants trump everyone else. Life/family is about give & take and compromise and what works best at the time.
No wonder there’s so many miserable marriages out there with these little tyrants being raised.

AdriannaP · 30/10/2019 14:16

YABU (and a bit childish)

You can celebrate with him afterwards. I think it’s lovely he wants to do something with his DD - I would always prioritise my DC to a DP. Doesn’t sound like you agree that she should have a nice birthday with her DF. Maybe you should date someone without children if it bothers you so much.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 14:19

Do you already share a house and a mortgage OP?

BeesKnees4 · 30/10/2019 14:19

@adrianna
He’s not doing anything nice with his DD, he’s dropping her off from school ffs can nobody read?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 14:21

@FizzyGreenWater we share a home but not a mortgage, currently renting

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 14:22

@AdriannaP he isn’t doing anything nice with his DD though, it’s simply a lift from school to home. She will have a nice birthday with her dad in both the morning and the Sunday before?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 30/10/2019 14:29

"It's a no brainer" I quote an earlier poster with a cold,dark heart! He should attend your graduation end of discussion she's turning 15 not a milestone birthday and it isn't everyday you graduate with distinction. I'd rethink the relationship

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