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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sit around with a random baby on Saturday night?

261 replies

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:42

So DP's friends all like to stay in. I mean literally. They dont go to pubs, or bars, or activities, or anything really. They just go to each others houses. That's totally their choice, but personally I feel like we're in our 30s and there are people in their 80s with more diversity in their social lives.

Whatever though, I have my friends (who he doesn't interact with) and he has his (same).

So last night DP says to me "F was saying he wanted to hang out on Saturday". I was like "awesome, why don't we go to the new escape room that's opened?" And DP says "gwacky, hello? S has just had the baby?"

(S is F's partner, I hadnt realised that simply using the mans name could be shorthand for two other human beings, but I guess it's a mans world and that's another debate).

So I said "oh okay....." and DP said "so they really want to come to the house".

Okay, I know I'm being unreasonable in a way. But the thing is, I'm away one weekend a month for a course. He knows it drives me insane to be sitting in a fucking living room for 6 or 7 hours (and yes, it will be that long, I know them). I just like socialising out. Why do I have to sit in my house for all of Saturday night and gush over a baby when he could just invite them over on one of the many weekends i am away?!

Am I being selfish? I can take it if I am. Also I have seen the baby before, we went to te maternity ward two or three days after he was born. Oh and another thing is I work from home which suits me fine but by the time the weekend comes around I'm just like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

OP posts:
TheReluctantCountess · 29/10/2019 13:46

I get you. Let him have his friends and baby around, and you go out with a different mate.

Hadalifeonce · 29/10/2019 13:47

If you all have to stay in, could you organise something indoors, game, quiz.... anything but just sitting around talking about the baby?

Hey1256 · 29/10/2019 13:48

I have a friendship group like this OP and it drives me nuts. Go make you're own plans. YANBU

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2019 13:49

Don't go then.
But do try to understand that people like different things to you, and that doesn't make their way of socialising inferior.

Original poster
gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:49

@TheReluctantCountess Thank you! I think I'm "expected" to be there. If I'm not he will take it as me snubbing him because we've argued about this so many times. It's kind of what people "do" in his group, they hang out in living rooms as couples. And the worst part is it's for the whole night. I mean until like 2 or 3am.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 29/10/2019 13:50

You sound very incompatible, tbh. It's quite costly to socialise out and by their 30s a lot of people have other financial commitments - such as kids and mortgages - that preclude socialising out frequently. Personally I was really kind of over that by that age, and also a parent - every now and again is fine but the 'Get me out of here!' feeling had passed.

Why not go out on your own with mates then and leave him to it? But it sounds like you're at different stages in your life here.

HollowTalk · 29/10/2019 13:50

I know how you feel, but you're saying then that you don't want to be friends with them, aren't you?

Did you really think the woman would want to go to an escape room shortly after giving birth?

timshelthechoice · 29/10/2019 13:51

So what if you're 'expected' to be there. You don't want to be so don't.

NurseButtercup · 29/10/2019 13:51

Yabu for referring to your partner's friends child as "a random baby".

What time are they planning to come over? Maybe you could stay for a few hours (keep your partner happy) and then go and meet your friends later?

inwood · 29/10/2019 13:52

You sound like you're at very different life stages.

Do you not like his friends?

Pardonwhat · 29/10/2019 13:53

I find it odd you went to the maternity ward but refer the the baby as ‘random’.

But that aside, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want so YANBU...

RuggerHug · 29/10/2019 13:54

If they've just had a baby, offer that you'll get the take away in for dinner, bring some wine,a dvd of something you'll all like and if it's too much for you after a few hours say 'we better be off, don't want to be taking up time you could be getting some sleep'.

Or just say you're not available, see your mates, he sees his.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/10/2019 13:55

They would stay over until 3am with a baby? Are you sure?!
Generally speaking YANBU. Nights in someone's house until 3am sounds dire. Can you not make excuses at 12 and go home/to bed?

Expressedways · 29/10/2019 13:55

I hear you on the working from home and wanting to get out of the house but they’re obviously very close friends if they invited you to visit the maternity ward and it sounds like it’s important to your DP. So sorry but presuming a night in with his friends is a relatively rare occurrence, and you still have another night that weekend to go out, then I do think this is one of those things you should suck up. Can you suggest that you go to them instead? Presumably that would be easier for them with the baby plus there’s the added benefit that you get to leave when you want.

Starlight39 · 29/10/2019 13:56

I really doubt they'll stay till 2 or 3 am with a new baby in tow? They'll probably be heading home at 9 or 10 pm! Could you go out in the day/afternoon and do something fun so that your "out" itch is scratched?

SoyDora · 29/10/2019 13:56

Well they wouldn’t be able to take a baby to escape rooms I guess.
It is harder to socialise out and about when you have a young baby... not many bars are keen on having them in on a Saturday night! You say you rarely socialise with your DP’s friends due to this issue so can’t you suck it up for a night? Go out Friday night instead if you’re desperate to go out?

NamedyChangedy · 29/10/2019 13:56

I get you OP, that wouldn't be my idea of fun either. There's no rule saying you have to do everything together. They can just come round on an evening when you're away, or out with other friends, surely?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/10/2019 13:57

I'm guessing you don't have kids. Are you sure they like to stay in? Or do they have less choice, do they mainly have young kids? You can't really leave a breastfed baby, and it can generally be difficult to leave any young child with a babysitter, it's quite unsettling for the child. It's also terrifically expensive.

Perhaps your DP is trying to be nice to the couple with the baby.

  1. it's nice to go to their house if they have a young baby. It's usually easier for people with a baby to stay at home rather than lugging their stuff around.

  2. by going to theirs, it kindly enables the new mum to socialise too. It's actually pretty decent if her husband isnt fucking off out and leaving her home with the baby.

If it doesn't suit you, you go off out with your own (presumably child free) mates.

SmileCheese · 29/10/2019 13:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable. There's a world of difference between going out and getting rat arsed and sitting in someone's living room making small talk for hours on end. I don't think I'd be able to manage the latter with just 1 other couple for hours, eventually surely you would run out of things to talk about!

It wouldn't be so bad if there were lots of you or you played games but a whole evening of just talking sounds like a rubbish way to spend a Saturday night, I think I would rather spend it alone watching crap tv.

Lunafortheloveogod · 29/10/2019 13:58

Would they really be out to 3am with a tiny baby? That alone seems unrealistic as they’ll need a fair amount of kit and be shattered from said baby. Maybe suggest they’ll need to leave early with the baby? Or go to there’s so you can both leave?

Flippetydip · 29/10/2019 13:59

When this has happened at ours and DH's friends are (as I feel) outstaying their welcome I have left DH with them and just gone to bed. Usually not before midnight so I don't think it's that unreasonable!

I would hang out for a couple of hours and then making copious yawning noises, say you're sorry to be antisocial but you're knackered and head to bed.

Original poster
gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:59

No, I swear guys, they will stay until 3am. The baby is a good sleeper and that's how they roll. I think I am being unreasonable in a sense. It's important in this crowd to "be seen" as a couple so I guess I'll suck it up and do it. Just dont get this couple thing. Why cant he have them over when I'm not here? But anyway yeah, I'll just do it!

OP posts:
EleanorShellstrop100 · 29/10/2019 13:59

Ugh no sounds awful! Go out with your friends instead!

ConkerGame · 29/10/2019 13:59

OP I get you. However it doesn’t sound like you’re all that compatible? If this is all he wants to do and you always want to go out?

On the other hand if this is just a one off and he’d usually be up for going out but is just being mindful of his friend’s current situation with the new baby then I think you’re being a bit selfish as it’s just a one off and they are clearly close friends.

Didiusfalco · 29/10/2019 14:00

I kinda get you, but by my thirties I think I had mostly got the cabin fever feeling out my system, plus didn’t have the money to be out that much. My parents now have a really active social life in their seventies so I think it can come back round, but those small baby years are tough on your social life. So try to be a bit understanding.