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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sit around with a random baby on Saturday night?

261 replies

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:42

So DP's friends all like to stay in. I mean literally. They dont go to pubs, or bars, or activities, or anything really. They just go to each others houses. That's totally their choice, but personally I feel like we're in our 30s and there are people in their 80s with more diversity in their social lives.

Whatever though, I have my friends (who he doesn't interact with) and he has his (same).

So last night DP says to me "F was saying he wanted to hang out on Saturday". I was like "awesome, why don't we go to the new escape room that's opened?" And DP says "gwacky, hello? S has just had the baby?"

(S is F's partner, I hadnt realised that simply using the mans name could be shorthand for two other human beings, but I guess it's a mans world and that's another debate).

So I said "oh okay....." and DP said "so they really want to come to the house".

Okay, I know I'm being unreasonable in a way. But the thing is, I'm away one weekend a month for a course. He knows it drives me insane to be sitting in a fucking living room for 6 or 7 hours (and yes, it will be that long, I know them). I just like socialising out. Why do I have to sit in my house for all of Saturday night and gush over a baby when he could just invite them over on one of the many weekends i am away?!

Am I being selfish? I can take it if I am. Also I have seen the baby before, we went to te maternity ward two or three days after he was born. Oh and another thing is I work from home which suits me fine but by the time the weekend comes around I'm just like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

OP posts:
SmileCheese · 29/10/2019 14:35

Having friends round is generally not a case of making small talk all night

In this instance that's exactly what it would be because they are not the OP's friends. They are her DP's friends who he has known a long time and with whom he has lots of memories and stories to recount. The OP only knows then through her DP and wont be able to join in these conversations leaving her to make general small talk about life with a new baby or have you seen x program recently.

Vulpine · 29/10/2019 14:39

After a night in, they will become her friends though surely? Thats how friendships begin. I am really good mates with a few of my dh's friends partners - all through my dh.

HeyNotInMyName · 29/10/2019 14:39

What your DH is doing is what I do with my friends and it’s lovely. Children sleep in a pushchair/spare bed abd you get an evening with friends with no issue with babysitter/how the child is doing. Great imo.

However, no you cant expect your DP to only see his friends when you are not around. You are seeing your friends during those weekends too (doing something he doesn’t enjoy but that he might also participate in from time to time I assume? OR he is on his own at home waiting for you.....

Long term, I’d say you’ll have to find a way though. Because you can’t impose your way to socialise to him (nor can he, even though his way might well become your way once you/your friends have children of your own)

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/10/2019 14:43

I understand you OP but you and your DP sound incompatible.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 29/10/2019 14:44

Wow they sound really boring - getting stoned and talking about things you can't join in with. I would go to bed whenever you get bored! And there's nothing wrong with socialising separately to your partner either, whatever his friendship group thinks.

SmileCheese · 29/10/2019 14:44

After a night in, they will become her friends though surely? Thats how friendships begin. I am really good mates with a few of my dh's friends partners - all through my dh.

Sometimes yes but it is clear that the OP has spent time with this couple before and hasn't become friends with them which is fine, she doesn't have to be their friend. Nevertheless that's why these sort of meet ups tend to work better if its more then just 1 couple as you have more choice in who to socialise with.

LemonPrism · 29/10/2019 14:45

I find it odd that you have such separate lives... how long have you been together?

We do a mix, with good mates we stay in, drink, play games, listen to music and chat. We also go out when funds allow it.

In the same way that you need to get out after WFH all week some of us are desperate to just stay in

GreenTulips · 29/10/2019 14:48

Yep these are his friends, I’m assuming DH and F didn’t continue a relationship on their own with out his GF and now expects them to be couple time all the time?

And with the boring conversation to boot I’d be heading out that door quick!

SleepWarrior · 29/10/2019 14:49

Nobody is in the wrong for their preferences regarding spending time with friends.

As you and your partner don't quite have the same preferences, perhaps a system of having the next 2-3 weekends always planned ahead so that neither can spring something on the other that they won't like. Or, of the weekends that you're around, no consecutive weekends of big nights in with his friends. Or something similar, you get the idea.

If you can't figure out a compromise then you may just be incompatible. If he's otherwise a good match then I'd have a good go at finding a compromise to suit you both.

Pinkblueberry · 29/10/2019 14:50

It sounds like it’s the people who are more the issue than the activity - if you liked them I imagine you wouldn’t mind staying in with them so much. In my experience, couples who don’t get on with each other’s friends don’t really last. I think who you’re close friends with says quite a lot about you really - what makes your partner so lovable in comparison to all his boring stoner friends?

Boysey45 · 29/10/2019 14:52

What happens usually on these nights in? Is everyone just skinning up all night and talking crap?
I'd just say to my partner I wasn't doing any of this again. It sounds utterly shit them talking about the past whilst you sit there like a lemon.

Drabarni · 29/10/2019 14:53

I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone I was so incompatible with tbh.
you seem on different pages and wanting different things.
You shouldn't have to suck it up, if this isn't your idea of fun.
He shouldn't have to give up his idea of socialising either.
I'd just call it a day tbh.

Boireannachlaidir · 29/10/2019 14:55

YANBU OP I don't blame you for wanting to get out of the house if you work from home all week.

All the people commenting need to RTFT and realise it's your house they're going to be in all night long not you going to them.

I think your DP and his friendship group sound quite immature in that they do things because everyone else does plus being tedious stoners too. Just because you've got a mortgage/children/are over 20/30/40 whatever doesn't mean you can't look forward to going out and having new experiences.

Original poster
gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 14:57

@Drabarni
To be honest I know you're right. We cant even agree on where to live. He basically wants nothing in life to ever change - EVER. Which is fine but it's not what I want!

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 29/10/2019 14:59

I think some people like to socialise by doing something together and others by talking to each other - obviously most people like a bit of both but I think most people have a strong preference. I think you're the former and your DP is the latter.

Samz25 · 29/10/2019 15:02

YABU. You sound very selfish. I would make the effort to be honest. Its only one night!

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 29/10/2019 15:03

Of course it’s a random baby. Also, babies are boring to anyone not related to them, and sometimes even to those people as well.

OP, his is my idea of hell.

Samplesss · 29/10/2019 15:04

Go out then? Confused He is doing what he wants with his friends, so go out with yours if you don't want to stay in. It sounds like he won't change (just as you probably won't wake up tomorrow and want to stay in every weekend), so maybe if it's a deal-breaker for you have a think about what you want.

LordNibbler · 29/10/2019 15:06

OP does he go on nights out with you and your friends? Or is he just demanding you be joined at the hip to stay in with him and his friends even though he knows you don't want to?

HappilyHarridan · 29/10/2019 15:07

Go out Friday night with your friends and have a large one. Go out all day on Saturday with other friends/your partner/by yourself.
Surely then by Saturday evening you won’t be feeling that desperate urge to leave the house?

MrsFezziwig · 29/10/2019 15:10

I don’t think you’re being selfish if all they want to talk about is their communal past lives (which you can never share) and gossip about people you don’t know. Surely it’s DP and friends who are being selfish if they don’t talk about things the OP can be included in?

OP I’d find a more exciting partner and let your DP hook up with someone he used to be at school with!

TheReluctantCountess · 29/10/2019 15:11

Is your partner a stoner too?

I wouldn’t want to spend an evening with people smoking and getting blotto.

Karwomannghia · 29/10/2019 15:15

I really like spending time with friends in houses, cooking for each other, having a few drinks and a laugh, playing games etc. I wouldn’t enjoy it so much if I wasn’t good friends with them though so maybe it’s more that than the actual staying in part?

userxx · 29/10/2019 15:15

Sounds shit. Go to the pub with your mates instead.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 29/10/2019 15:17

Stoners are boring
Drunks are annoying and aggressive.

It's highly rude to just invite yourself to someone else's house. Are you sure your DP hasn't invited them round and said they invited themselves when he realised you we're annoyed?

Could you suggest to DP that you go to their house as it will be easier for them not to get baby and everything ready to leave the house? Then on the night pull a sickie, get a night in alone to relax?

Or, if they insist on coming to your house, have food and a few drinks then at about 10pm or so announce that you are going to bed as it's late. It might prompt them to leave, or if not just pop upstairs and watch netflix and relax? It might seem rude but no ruder than inviting yourself and new baby to someone elses house.

I think you do need to address the blinding issues after this event though. You both seem to be opposites which is causing issues so you need to decide if it's workable or not. What positives does it give you as you've listed so many negatives....