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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sit around with a random baby on Saturday night?

261 replies

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:42

So DP's friends all like to stay in. I mean literally. They dont go to pubs, or bars, or activities, or anything really. They just go to each others houses. That's totally their choice, but personally I feel like we're in our 30s and there are people in their 80s with more diversity in their social lives.

Whatever though, I have my friends (who he doesn't interact with) and he has his (same).

So last night DP says to me "F was saying he wanted to hang out on Saturday". I was like "awesome, why don't we go to the new escape room that's opened?" And DP says "gwacky, hello? S has just had the baby?"

(S is F's partner, I hadnt realised that simply using the mans name could be shorthand for two other human beings, but I guess it's a mans world and that's another debate).

So I said "oh okay....." and DP said "so they really want to come to the house".

Okay, I know I'm being unreasonable in a way. But the thing is, I'm away one weekend a month for a course. He knows it drives me insane to be sitting in a fucking living room for 6 or 7 hours (and yes, it will be that long, I know them). I just like socialising out. Why do I have to sit in my house for all of Saturday night and gush over a baby when he could just invite them over on one of the many weekends i am away?!

Am I being selfish? I can take it if I am. Also I have seen the baby before, we went to te maternity ward two or three days after he was born. Oh and another thing is I work from home which suits me fine but by the time the weekend comes around I'm just like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

OP posts:
Xyzzzzz · 29/10/2019 15:21

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t either.

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 15:21

YANBU but you sound like you don't like your partner and his family very much tbh. You do not seem compatible at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/10/2019 15:26

Are you sure you want to stay in a relationship with this man? I'd have buried him and all his ghastly, smug, heteronormative, prematurely middle-aged friends under several patios by now.
OP you are young and the world is a wild and beautiful place - and you don't have any DC yet. FFS don't let this man and his friends stifle you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2019 15:29

Yabu to expect to be included in a meet up with your dps friend and ignore the fact that he has a partner and baby. Your comment about his shorthand for talking about his mate when he meant 2 people was odd. It’s pretty obvious they would probably be meeting as a pair and quite possible with their child. After all you and your dp are meeting as a couple. Why shouldn’t they?? I think that also covers why he wants to see his friends wife when you are around and not when you are away. He’s trying to make couple friends. And your comment about random baby was bizarre and rude.

You don’t sound ready to settle down. So many I statements, notably about how you want to end your evening on your terms. That’s not how couples work and sounds more like a comment from someone in their early 20’s, not 30’s. Just be careful not to piss away your fertile years if you eventually want to have kids. Have a word with yourself basically. You don’t sound compatible and unless you’re planning to be childless may need to think about when you’d like to grow up.

bringincrazyback · 29/10/2019 15:34

YANBU!! Gosh, this would drive me mad. My ex's friends were all like this and they were in their 20s and didn't even have the excuse of kids yet. Never wanted to do anything but sit around each other's houses talking about sport, cars and DIY. Yawn yawn yawn.

TellingBone · 29/10/2019 15:37

Fucking hell. Have them around or ye shall never bear children. The curse has come upon you OP.

bringincrazyback · 29/10/2019 15:39

I think some people are missing one of the points OP tried to make here. OP's DP said F wanted to hang out, not that F and partner wanted to hang out. From OP's POV it was just as likely it was just F who wanted to hang - heaven forbid, but he might have been saying he fancied a night off from partner and baby (and now I really am going to get a pasting, but I don't care Grin ).

HauntedPinecone · 29/10/2019 15:41

Just be careful not to piss away your fertile years if you eventually want to have kids. Have a word with yourself basically. You don’t sound compatible and unless you’re planning to be childless may need to think about when you’d like to grow up

What a pathetic thing to say. News flash - lots of people don't want to saddle themselves with kids. That doesn't make them not 'grown up'. What a load of old shite.

HauntedPinecone · 29/10/2019 15:43

And your comment about random baby was bizarre and rude

Was it? Why? Do you think the baby is likely to read this thread and be upset? Why should OP be remotely interested in the child of a friend of her partners? What is rude and bizarre about the word random?

nocluewhattodoo · 29/10/2019 15:51

I get you OP, it's torturous being stuck in of an evening because of guests when you've been in the house all day. Our flat has become the place everyone wants to be for some reason, so I am also used to DPs friends turning up and staying until the early hours, or worse sleeping on the sofa until the next day, even mid week. I often want to go to bed long before they are going to leave, and our bedroom shares a wall with the living room so even if I do go to bed I can't sleep because I can hear them. It feels rude to take myself off to bed when we have guests anyway. It's intrusive having to host constantly and I would like to have my flat to myself sometimes. Plus one of our guests last week helped himself to all of our lunch meat/tomatoes/cheese that was supposed to last the 3 of us the week Angry he literally cleaned out the fridge, and left the bread and pitta breads open to go stale.

And there is nothing worse than having DPs friends girlfriends over too and the expectation we will amuse ourselves and get on because we are women. I find most of them pretty tedious, we have nothing in common besides partners who went to school/uni together. Often then the men will go to the pub and I'm stuck in the house with the girlfriends because of my DD being asleep.

Tbh it doesn't sound like you are very compatible, I don't think the relationship has longevity. For gods sake don't get pregnant or you'll be sucked into doing this for years.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/10/2019 16:02

People are SO judgy about how others like to socialise. Socialising at home is not boring or tedious if the form of socialising you prefer is conversation, games etc. Going out to bars and clubs is fun if that's your thing, but they are no more "fun" than dinner parties if you like those, or board game nights, or just a good night in with mates and a load of wine etc.

It's not like a hierarchy of fun with clubbing at the top. Horses for courses and all that.

I get bored clubbing because the noise irritates me and prevents me having a good chatter with my mates!

MostlyHappyMummy · 29/10/2019 16:12

Will you be expected to cook for them?
I don't understand why you can't just go out and do something else?
Or ask your partner to invite them the weekend you're away?
I can't see why either of those would cause ructions in your relationship.

underground76 · 29/10/2019 16:19

Neither you nor your partner is actually being unreasonable. You're just fundamentally incompatible and want completely different things from life. Your preferences are not going to change and neither are his.

If I'm being completely honest ... you don't even sound as if you like him very much. That's not a criticism of you at all, as I can completely see why you're finding his expectations annoying, but you do need to have a serious think about what you actually get from your relationship with him.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/10/2019 16:28

If it is something you really don't want to do, then I think you are being honest in telling your partner it's not how you want to spend the weekend given that you are away on courses etc.. At least that is better than resentfully going along with it.. and if you are not feeling it, your'e just not feeling it so why pretend?
However, you are together so is there any comprise that would suit you both? eg seeing the baby couple on a Friday for a few hours and going out doing your thing on Saturday?

aHintOfPercy · 29/10/2019 16:36

Strange attitude on here; people seem to think the only choices are staying in or going out to a noisy club or bar. There are many many interesting things to do outside of the house. Last night I was out for a nice meal with friends, tomorrow I'm going to the theatre and Friday I'm going to see a soul band - and I'm late 50's! (and my in-laws, who are in their 80's, are out more than we are!) There are lots of prematurely middle aged posters on this thread who think that there's something wrong with you if you hit 30 and still enjoy a night out.

OP life is short, do not waste your youth on this dull man. Yes of course when children come along it's not so easy to go out (been there, done that), but you don't have children, so why on earth are you sitting in every evening?! Sorry but you don't sound compatible.

riotlady · 29/10/2019 16:38

Yes @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland ! bloody love sitting around in my friends living rooms xD

Even when I was at uni we’d gather to predrink before going clubbing and then decide we were having so much fun getting drunk and playing board games we’d just skip it and stay in

PuppyMonkey · 29/10/2019 16:54

I’d have buried him and all his ghastly, smug, heteronormative, prematurely middle-aged friends under several patios by now.

Confused

Bit harsh.

It’s a bit cheeky to invite themselves over imho, but perhaps they’re just desperate to have a social life and struggling with a new baby. Nobody is suggesting they come to you every Saturday for the next ten years, just get a pizza in and chill out for one night. Go to bed when you like and leave them to it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 29/10/2019 16:54

He basically wants nothing in life to ever change - EVER. Which is fine but it's not what I want!

Yet he's coercing you via emotional manipulation to morph into one of 'them' and behave like 'them'.
He doesn't respect you much if he can't understand why you don't want this for yourself.
Actually, i don't think he cares about how you feel or what you want - your job is to fall in line with HIS way of doing things - forever!

whatswithtodaytoday · 29/10/2019 16:59

Going out on a Saturday night is utterly shit, I don't know why anyone past the age of going out dancing/looking for a partner would bother. My friends have nice houses and young babies/l and children. Way more fun and easier to hang out at home than stand around in a noisy bar.

MitziK · 29/10/2019 16:59

Tell DH that if they come round, you are wearing that skanky ex-T shirt of yours every day and you'll never attempt to mash a fairly hard avocado for his benefit ever again.

ChuckleBuckles · 29/10/2019 17:03

We cant even agree on where to live. He basically wants nothing in life to ever change - EVER

Ah so you are expected to slot into his life neatly then, him and F chatting about bloke stuff, you are Mrs F chatting babies and wimmenz stuff. Ale for the guys, nice glass of wine or fruit based alcopop for the ladies, dinner parties with James Blunt cd on, chat of how Maria from work has gone mad and got a fringe, and while it is noice, she will never find a husband now that she is 28 with a fringe, you know.

Barbie222 · 29/10/2019 17:03

Sounds like you are not with the right friendship group. They will be thinking you are very odd for suggesting an escape room with a newborn. Did you not give the idea much thought before it tripped out of your mouth?

cheesydoesit · 29/10/2019 17:11

She didn't suggest the newborn go to the escape room, the newborn and new mother were not mentioned in the initial invite. OP YANBU, I would rethink him altogether. He sounds incompatible with you. If you don't smoke then it's so boring sitting in with people getting stoned. Plus he doesn't sound like he compromises for you. As a side, does he get really paranoid when you are out with him? My stoner ex used to and it was really tedious and frustrating not being able to walk two feet without him being suspicious of everyone.

cheesydoesit · 29/10/2019 17:12

*an aside

Pinkginhelps · 29/10/2019 17:18

If they aren't your friends...I'd go out. If it causes a big row, maybe it's time you two discussed whether you are compatible as a couple. Perhaps you can agree to stay in one weekend and go out another? Or maybe you need to live apart? I can't think of many people I'd want to sit indoors with for 7 hours! Definitely not if you have to coo over a baby all night and discuss the minutiae that first time new parents indulge in. Sorry but parents of new borns are DULL! I don't blame you. That said, don't feel all offended one day if you're the boring new mum and no one wants to hang out indoors with you on a Saturday evening.