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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I really regret having kids

618 replies

SoFuckingTired · 29/10/2019 08:09

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 29/10/2019 08:14

Good for you for expressing it. Seriously. Occasionally women do pop their head over the parapet and say this and I think it's very helpful because I don't think we do tell young women enough just WHAT parenting is like. i really don't. I think we should have mums going into schools and talking about the reality; schools are all about the biology.

Of course you love your children. It doesn't mean you don't love them, merely that you would have chosen a different path if you'd really known. You are still a good mum.

More women need to feel it ISN'T taboo to say this and other women shouldn't jump on those who do say this because they feel differently.

GruciusMalfoy · 29/10/2019 08:17

YANBU, and there are probably a sizeable number of us who feel similarly. What I will say is that I found the preschool years far worse in terms of exhaustion and emotional upheaval, than I do now that my children are a little older. My oldest child is autistic, my youngest also has some additional needs but isn't diagnosed with anything. It's very hard, relentless... I don't think anything can prepare you for it. It's natural to get down over it, and I totally regretted my choices for a while. BUT! There are peaks and troughs, and the worst times can and have got better for me.

Do you get any time for yourself if a partner (or if you're single a family member) can take the kids? I found cosleeping with my non-sleeper was what saved my MH at points, I don't know if that's an option for you? Have a look at local services for parents of children on the spectrum, if you can get support from people in similar positions it can be a real help. Have you been offered any parent courses to understand and cope with ASD behaviours? Flowers

LMG101 · 29/10/2019 08:24

I feel for you. I think a lot of people (both genders) must feel the same, and despite the fact that lots of people are judgmental remember there are also lots of people who feel the same, some are just too scared to admit it, but it shouldn't be taboo, if it's taboo that's society's problem not yours. Our society is obsessed with keeping taboo subjects silenced. It is very unhealthy.

IdentifyasTired · 29/10/2019 08:53

I think a lot of people feel like this, men and women. Which is a crying shame. I am one of the lucky ones who doesn’t feel like this.
Which is why I have no pearls of wisdom but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this.

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 09:12

I have a friend who has said this. That she loves her two boys but if she could go back and undo it she would.

I think there's lots of different ways of loving and caring for people and other living beings in this life, and that being a parents could be overrated

Cyborgseadog · 29/10/2019 09:18

I feel the same way. Love my child, but would give anything to turn back the clock. I regret it every single day.

fartingrainbows · 29/10/2019 10:02

I was desperate for a child and finally had one later in life. I love him to bits and he's a fab, easy child but still.....
I look at childless people with envy and wonder why I was so desperate. I look back on photos of my old life, where I was slim, had nice holidays, plenty of money, slept and partied all weekend and wonder why the hell I was SO desperate for this life.
Op you are totally normal and brave for daring to say it. Sending hugs!!

hushnowthanks · 29/10/2019 10:02

I often feel this way. You are not alone, OP. Parenting is tough and I certainly wouldn’t have children if I could go back and do my time again. I love them with all my heart, but my circumstances mean that I don’t feel like I can ever give them what they need.

Women have been promised that they can ‘have it all’; I’ve come to realise that this term is nothing more than a praise coined by men to fool women into doing it all.

Celebelly · 29/10/2019 10:08

I think there's also a lot of pressure on women to have more than one child, when actually one would
suit their lives better. I think some people just take on more that they can handle because they think they should or that a proper family is at least two children Sad I know that two would shift the balance for us, so we are sticking with one and enjoying her.

PookieDo · 29/10/2019 10:10

I became a mum when I was 21, this was 17 years ago. I don’t remember what my life was like before anymore and I didn’t have enough of it to miss I don’t think (and it had been quite shit).
It is really normal though, now mine are older I find myself thinking about what it will be like when they leave home. I resent them sometimes, quietly to myself.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 10:13

For so many women, the selling-in of parenthood is a massive con. It can be life-ruining. Nobody tells women this.

I have massive empathy for all those women who find themselves in that awful "what the fuck have I done" situation, from which there is no return because it's too late.

I have daughters and I have answered their questions frankly and without rose-tinted spectacles. Having children is a major commitment and you can have a perfectly fabulous life without them. If you do have them, chances are 50/50 that you will be doing it as a single parent. The cash figures speak for themselves - just look at the research of the financial impact upon women.

I adore all my kids but if I had known then what having them would mean, I wouldn't have done it.

MabelMoo23 · 29/10/2019 10:13

I don’t regret it... but....

I miss my old life every single bloody day. I also have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old who doesn’t sleep. It’s brutal.

I desperately desperately miss my old life so you aren’t alone

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 29/10/2019 10:13

My life has got immeasurably worse since getting married and having children. I long for the freedom before 1 kid with a physical illnes & 2 kids with asd pretty much traps me with a dh I prob wouldn't stay with otherwise.

But it's not for ever, lack of sleep makes everything worse. No solution but yyy to admit it's not all playdough and sticky kisses

SENDMumma · 29/10/2019 10:14

YANBU

I feel like I can't admit this is RL.

I have a large family & with hindsight, I shouldn't have had my last 2dc.

3 out of the 6 DC have various SEND.

All 6 were very carefully planned.

FrappeLatte · 29/10/2019 10:27

I have two under two and just this morning I was saying to myself “17 and a half years to go...”

I love them both, of course I do. But my god, it’s tough.

I don’t know if I would ‘go back’ given the chance though.

GhoulieBat · 29/10/2019 10:30

I don't regret it as such but I do agree with PPs that women should be able to say, or just admit this to themselves and that it's a reasonable feeling. Mine are older (teen/preteen) now and it's much easier, they are funny, good company and although there are difficulties, it's a million times easier than the preschool years. You are at the absolute hardest time OP, IMO and it does improve.

What I am regretful and resentful about is the patriarchal set up in which I had DC, meaning so much of the work has fallen on me and so little on ex, and also that I happen to have no family support, which would have made the hugest difference to me. I know people who can send their DC off to granny's for a week or call on GPs to babysit, step in when DC are ill etc etc - their lives are totally unlike mine, I'm very limited in what I can do and it's an endless treadmill until they're both independent.

nocluewhattodoo · 29/10/2019 10:30

I had DD young, and with the wrong man. I regret that I can't give her the sort of life I would like to because I'm for the foreseeable future trapped in a relationship with her father. I had her at 21 and never really had my own life, when I look at my peers I do feel very very envious of their freedom and interesting jobs and travel opportunities. And mostly the fact they can rest once in a while. Having a child snuffed out my potential and all the opportunities that were ahead of me. I never have the time or money to do anything for myself, because 'D'P is irresponsible with money (he is an alcoholic) and I am constantly playing catch up, have sold anything I have of value to keep us out of debt. DD doesn't go without, I make sure of it, but I have really suffered. I will not be having another child, even if I won the euromillions.

But becoming a mother opened my eyes to the lies women are sold, and I am thankful I will not make the same mistakes again and hopefully steer DD away from ruin.

thatguiltyfeeling · 29/10/2019 10:31

I don't regret my daughter at all, but if I could turn back the clock I think I'd wait a few more years to have her. I never got to really experience life, me and my partner didn't get to do much together as we were young teens when we started dating, and I was barely 18 when I got pregnant so didn't get to experience the same things my friends have been.
Parenthood is hard, and I struggle every single day with it. I struggle with wanting freedom but not having it, the feelings of wanting to work but not wanting to leave baby, and I'd kill to have a bath for an hour without having to get out in the middle because baby is crying and my partner is struggling. The teen mum shows don't help as yes they show struggles but a lot of them have their own homes, or seem to have enough money and help to still be young and carefree sometimes.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/10/2019 10:33

YANBU OP. I know exactly how you feel and I'm with you

AutumnRose1 · 29/10/2019 10:33

I think it's really good to speak out about this

I feel for you Flowers

feistymumma · 29/10/2019 10:34

YANBU, I sometimes feel that way and my children are grown. It's never ending. It does get easier though so hang in there but it is bloody difficult. I have already had a conversation with my children that they should only have children if that is what they really really want as parenting is so difficult. Not implying anything here OP just acknowledging what you are going through.

feistymumma · 29/10/2019 10:38

@Sicario you are spot on. It is never ending, I am raising three children myself earn a pretty decent salary but am always limping to payday. I honestly sometimes wish I hadn't had any children and look enviously at those my age who are childless.

1300cakes · 29/10/2019 10:43

Is it that taboo really? I read articles saying this all the time, and there are threads on here about it weekly at least.

formerbabe · 29/10/2019 10:43

You can think motherhood is shit whilst still loving your kids

Gonorth · 29/10/2019 10:47

The thing is it doesn’t end . I too regret . Have two amazing young adults . However , at this age I thought that they would be independent in that they would be busy with their own lives and I would miss them and crave them contacting me . No .. they contact me most days as they like me ( they don’t contact dh as much who has little idea what they are up to sometimes ) . Some people would love this and I know am lucky and I really love them - however , what exhausts me is the inability to switch off the parenting button ... the expectation that I will support them ( of course I will tho ) , and the worry when they are sad or in difficult relationships .. it tires me out . Sometimes I don’t sleep and it was easier when they were small as I could make it better .
I know it’s all part of growing up but I didn’t expect it would be that I was so involved with it . I know that young men are at higher risk of suicide at certain ages and am grateful that d s tells me his girlfriend woes ( think he saves the bad bits for me which I get ) and so of course I support him with his natural ups n downs , our d d relationships etc etc etc etc
. Dh appears to be able compartmentalise . Eg we saw d d a week ago . Not communicated since .. I know she is doing this n that , out partying etc .. he oblivious .

So knowing these things , and feeling some regret - those of us that do - what do we do about it ? How do we enjoy the other parts of life as well as embrace reluctant parenting ???
( because as I am one I want to be a good one !) ..

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