to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

They are really tough ages tbh. I can remember feeling like being on a treadmill at that stage. It DOES get easier, it really does. Be kind to yourself.

Yanbu. I think honesty helps.

Cheers for your input @ShipShapeandBristolFashion

@OkayGoooouuuuuullllll have you considered getting back into the workplace? I say this as someone whose partner is away with work more than he is home. Having that space to be 'me' knowing DS is somewhere safe is honestly what keeps me going.

I miss the spontaneity of life before kids but that’s it really. Sometimes it feels like the days are bloody hard, but actually it’s usually just a few incidents and when I look at it rationally, it’s not like every day is a slog.
Although I’m very fortunate, I have a loving partner and my children are fairly ‘easy’ they sleep, eat, and aside from the odd pout from my 5yr old (other one is 10weeks so he can’t behave badly yet!) they are both good kids.

YANBU the early years are tough and lack of sleep makes everything so much harder. Mine are tweens and teens now. I don’t regret having DCs but both of mine are hard work and full on. My DS has ASD so that will always make it harder in some respects. I love my DCs dearly but they fight constantly like cat & dog and the sheer day to day drudgery of it all gets to me. I look at people I know who are child free (by choice) and envy their life sometimes. But honestly if I could turn back the clock and even with all the ups and downs I would still have them as my life would be so much poorer without them (even though they both stress me out and infuriate me daily!)

I got flamed for saying something similar on here before. Apparently people felt sorry for my kids BUT you can love them and provide a brilliant, happy home and hate it at the same time. It's not an either or situation.

Parenting is brutal and fucking relentless with little reward or thanks. However I'm excited to see what people they become and I love watching them learn and master new things.

Remember, you can feel this way and still be a good parent. Take time for you when you can. Talk about it when you can. Most of all know that it's totally ok to feel this way.

Before having children I had this very unrealistic vision of motherhood - I had baby sat for my younger cousins but children are often on their best behaviour for adults who are not their parents. (I have finally learnt this two children later)

Becoming a mother has been tough- I feel that nowadays although we have the luxury of compliances making washing, cooking easier we have a lot more pressure on how we should parent - in the media, online, general public consensus on how children should behave and how parents should act. I also feel that mums shouldn't be left alone with a two week old baby for ten hours+ a day- that modern society is quite detached from our natural roots....when becoming a mum noone told me about the fact once dad goes back to work all those lovely people who appeared after birth promising to help, to shout if you need a hand will suddenly disappear from the face of the earth and only reappear on special occasions - theyll have their own lives and newborn novelty soon tires. I find motherhood lonely, exhausting and never ending...we hardly have any family support or a village as the saying goes, ontop of working, housework and raising two under 5s its very very very hardwork. I do wish I was more prepared for how vastly different my life and mental health would be.

Sounds like you have a lot going on.

I can't believe that most women and men for that matter don't go wtf.. occasionally when they have children.

It surely is the toughest job in the world.

I think that hardest part at times is just loving them so much and wanting so much for them. It can be overwhelming.

Also the pressure of not always being in control and yet wanting them to have everything.

I certainly don't believe it's a taboo subject.

Certainly not with my large circle of friends.

I have found the older my children have grown the more allergic and verbal about it my friends have become. While loving their children so much.

I definitely believe a lot of women do not give the realities of having children enough thought.

I certainly didn't.

I also believe if your children are healthy and well you have the hope that they will move on at some point.

If your children have challenges that will affect their independence etc., then I believe that to be a simply enormous added life pressure.

I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with feeling a bit pissed off and sorry for yourself.
💐

@OkayGoooouuuuuullllll ignore @ShipShapeandBristolFashion it's pretty clear from your post that you totally understand that already.

I'm ready to be attacked but... I'm single and have never wanted kids. My life isn't great, had a horrible childhood which contributed to me getting into awful relationships, over-qualified for my career, I struggle for money and am often lonely. However, I do have time for myself and the freedom to do what I want when I want. Working with other women my age or older who have kids, with a few of them (certainly not all) I've felt a kind of blistering resentment from them for what they seem to see as my carefree, irresponsible life, and these women have tried to use this against me by undermining me, verging on bullying. I suspect these women regret having children, or at least feel it isn't all it was cracked up to be. It's a shame because I'm totally sympathetic, but I've felt the brunt of their dissatisfaction and I've frankly got my own shit to deal with. Of course it's completely taboo to admit to any regrets around having kids, which is why these women put their guard up and just lash out instead.

Like I said earlier I don't regret having my DC but I do find it hard. One of the reasons for this I think is that despite them both being school age, I literally have nothing for myself. I don't work, have virtually no social life and no hobbies. My parents brought me up to be ridiculously considerate and make life easy as possible for others...as a consequence I feel tremendous guilt if I do anything for myself. When my DC are at school, I sometimes want to exercise, swim or read but even then I feel so guilty..I could be cleaning their rooms or making an extra nice dinner for later. If I ever have spare cash I feel so guilty for using it on myself...I forced myself to buy a new pair of shoes last week... I felt awful and kept thinking I should have spent the money on my DC, despite them having everything they need. I wish I wasn't like that. I'd probably be far happier if I was a bit selfish sometimes.

YANBU. I think more people feel this way than we realise.

I don’t regret having my DD, but I think I would regret having more kids, so we’re not going to. I do find it odd when people have one child and regret it but go on to have more. Is the thought of raising an only child really worse than having a second child you know you don’t want/can’t cope with?

@Samplesss I will be when she turns 3 and gets some funding. The reason I’m a SAHM was I went back to work when she was 1 but was giving all my money to the nursery and we were so skint so I left when she was 18m and we moved 2 hours away so I’ve been settling us in here so in 6 months or so she’ll go to nursery again and I’ll go and work on those days.

@BetweenTheMoon thank you for your message, I really appreciate it. Of course I understand that.

I had my DC late in life and enjoyed their early years.

The youngest is now a teenager with MH problems and very needy and self centred. I would move heaven and earth for them, but often find myself really looking forward to a time when they have both left home and I can get some peace.

I felt like this for years. I hated having young children but now we are in the mid teens its so much better. I can do things! I take afternoon naps, go to the shop by myself I've even had child free breaks. I'm a bit worried about the years to come as I will worry when they want to go out at night but for now I'm having a great time. Shame it only took 16 years to feel positive about the whole malarkey

Lots of parents feel this way.

I don’t think I could love my son anymore, I’m also definitely over protective, but parenting definitely is not my ‘thing’. It doesn’t at all come naturally to me.

If I could go back three years I genuinely don’t know if I would still say yes to taking him on. Partly because of the impact it’s had on my life, but also because I know he would have probably been better off in a proper family than with me.

It should be more common knowledge that the reality of parenthood is HARD. We get a romanticised version of 'hard' but not really the truth.

I bet it gets easier the older they get though

I can’t imagine that’s true at all SimonJT, I’ve seen how you speak about your son on other threads and you sound like the mum he was always meant to have and are doing a wonderful job for him.

I struggle sometimes too , you ain’t alone!

I would still have them but Christ they do test ya don’t they

I'm absolutely convinced that introverts find parenting harder than extroverts do

That’s a really interesting point @formerbabe and I’m inclined to agree.

I had no idea how much my mental health would suffer (PND aside, which I also had) after having children and it’s completely down to a lack of a) time alone and b) silence. I crave both like you wouldn’t believe. I stay up too late every night because that’s the only way I can sit alone in silence and decompress.

@SimonJT

I also took on a child that isn’t my birth. It’s fucking hard I wouldn’t change my mind but sometimes I find myself thinking what if I didn’t 😫

I did once regret having my DC, twins at first pregnancy I felt completely dropped in the deep end. DH was there but not really ‘present’ for their four month NICU stay after premature birth and being extremely tiny. I felt regret that I couldn’t carry them properly, that I couldn’t help them grow any faster, I couldn’t give them anything they needed at that point because what they needed was to be in their incubators and medical intervention. When they came home I was elated and terrified and I never thought I could be the mother they deserved, I was exhausted and emotionally drained. I thought then I’d made the biggest mistake of my life bringing two beautiful children into the world and oftentimes feeling like I had no idea what I needed to do, especially for DD who had a lung collapse in hospital and spent the first year of her life on oxygen...

When they started thriving it was amazing but I just couldn’t connect, I felt locked in, trapped even and then I’d see their adorable little faces and feel such guilt.

I fell pregnant again just before they turned one (contraception failure) and decided to go ahead, even though I was already so overwhelmed I couldn’t face an abortion - to not give my third child a chance at life just because the time of his conception was the furthest from ideal it could have been.

I lost him to stillbirth in April of this year, I no longer feel regret for having his older brother and sister - now 2 years old, I still feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, but regret for their existence and what that means for my existence, will never enter my mind again, I’m just ashamed that it took the loss of their little brother to get me there.