to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

YADNBU.

It is something you can never say in real life, as people will think you don't love your DC, or worse your DC will think you don't love them. But we can still love them, and feel as you say. Parenthood is far more difficult than I could ever have imagined, and of course I did imagine that it would be very difficult - the reality is just so much harder.

Can I ask for any of you that regret having your DC, and are really struggling, do you think stopping after one NT, 'easy' child, would have changed things drastically for you?
That's where I am, one amazing, happy DS7. I have health and fertility issues and so far no success in trying for a second. Getting to the point where I don't think we should try any more fertility treatment. We're very happy as three, are financially more secure than we've ever been. But he continues to ask for a sibling, and there's a significant part of me still wants him to have one. Reading through these posts however has made me realise how having a second could seriously disrupt our lives and unbalance everything. But yet others I know make it look so easy! What to do. These things are so difficult and I really feel for some of the posters on here who have been dealt a very rough hand.

It's certainly not a criticism about other women

It is though.

You're strongly implying that those who chose not to have children - or who find themselves regretting it if they did - are, unlike perfect you, lacking in 'compassion, gratitude and growth', whatever any of that really means.

We all fall into victim mode as default but its really empowering when you identify your own victim behaviours in life ( poor me , i dont know why i bother , life is hard /shit etc ) and move towards being a creator of positive things in your life .

I agree with the poster above - you sound like you've read too many 'self-help' books. ''Empowerment' is one of those meaningless words bandied around by those who wish to appear much more profound and clever than they actually are.

Mindset is really important in being happy though - in being a creator in your own life , not a victim . We all fall into victim mode as default but its really empowering when you identify your own victim behaviours in life ( poor me , i dont know why i bother , life is hard /shit etc ) and move towards being a creator of positive things in your life .

That's the spirit. Positive Mental Attitude, and you can do anything, right? I do envy your still being in the 1980s - music in 2019 is utter shite.

We all fall into victim mode as default but its really empowering when you identify your own victim behaviours in life ( poor me , i dont know why i bother , life is hard /shit etc ) and move towards being a creator of positive things in your life

Easier said than done if you’ve got 3 kids under 4 and £15.00 to last you until the end of the month ( & it’s only the 12th )

We all fall into victim mode as default but its really empowering when you identify your own victim behaviours in life ( poor me , i dont know why i bother , life is hard /shit etc ) and move towards being a creator of positive things in your life
I agree with that in that this is the sort of things I concentrated in when I was seeing a psychologist.
However, you can make the best out of things, not be victim and STILL regretting some decisions because the circumstances are shit (eg finances and health as mentioned by some PP)

do you think stopping after one NT, 'easy' child, would have changed things drastically for you?

In a word. Yes.

If we had decided not to have a second, life would have been much easier. I really enjoyed being a mother of one child. We were in a very good place financially, we practically fought over who got to spend more time with our child, and the child was happy to fit in with our lifestyle as well as us fitting around theirs. When we had a second child it all changed. I found it very hard to stay on top of things, to give both the time I felt I should give them, to talk and listen and just ‘be’ with them. I felt incredibly guilty about working full time. The children bicker so much and ate so demanding. It is exhausting and is not a pleasant environment. While it’s nice to see them play with one another, play dates are easier.. Financially we underestimated the costs of two of everything - two bikes and two scooters and two plane fares - none are necessities but birthday parties, decent coats and boots, activities, dentist fees, health insurance, even food - it is all so expensive and all before secondary school. I dread to think of third level fees provided they even get the results they need to go. I feel so old before I should be feeling old. A second child threw everything off it’s nice, even path.

Thanks for that very honest answer @RowenaMud . Those are exactly my fears.

@ginyogarepeat I would also say yes. Ironically I think that's what made my DH change his mind and agree to a second dc. Our lives and ds' life would be immeasurably easier if we'd stopped at one.

Thanks clowns.

@ginyogarepeat he might ask for a sibling, but you absolutely need to do what you think is best. Even he might not actually like the reality, but please don't have another if you have doubts just because of that; especially when you are having to have fertility treatment which is bloody tough. Siblings don't always get on either, I don't with mine, most of my teenage years were dominated with issues with siblings, and not just minor fall outs. For that reason (amongst others) we are sticking at one. I'm even tempted to pay privately to have my tubes tied.

I love my 3 children to bits, but actually live for the weekends (every second one) when they're at their dad's. Being on my own really suits me.

@Dieu I hear you.i crave alone time so much I lock myself in the bathroom for ages and say to the kids mummy's just having a wash.i Need to sit and be myself.if I hadn't had my last child(3rd of 3) (severe Autism non verbal,severe learning disabilities)my life would be immensely different in a good way,I'd be different, I'd actually like myself like when I do when hes getting babysat .I resent myself for feeling like this,resent having wanting to have a big family, resent that this is a life sentence for all of us.

I asked my parents for a sibling yet hated it when he got there. Spent my teen years with little support as they were busy running after a toddler, plus got woken up at 7am every single weekend until I went to uni. I actively avoided family holidays and went to stay with other relatives just for some peace and quiet and a lie in!

We get on now, but back then we fought so badly and I wished I was an only child.

@WhatAMum01

I am so sorry That sounds so incredibly hard. Adult life fucking sucks, it really does!

@ClownsandCowboys i have not swallowed too many self help books its what i do for a living .

There are things i wished hadn't happened in my life - but the reality is they have - we cant go back in a time machine and change things.
We can set a focus in our life for how we want to feel and slowly become more aware of how we can achieve that.

Its true that people find it easier to have a collective moan about their situation- iv done it - but that then sets the focus for negative feelings .
People dont like to hear about how its possible to change your mindset and be happy, despite having had traumatic situations in their lives . Because its a long hard slog to do that but a very rewarding one.

Circumstances aren't our fault , but it is our responsibility to take ownership of them .

We live every day and we die once , i know that I would far rather practise gratitude every day and create the feelings i want have in my life , by setting a focus & intention for every morning , so that every day stresses ( children , work, money, people) dont sway me from what my goal was for the day.

Haven't read the full thread but also wanted to say YANBU. I feel very similarly but I know that if I still had my old life and no kids I'd be obsessed with wanting a kid and terrified I was missing out and who will look after me in my old age etc (not that there's any guarantees your kids will anyway - me and my mum are NC).

I have stopped at one and reading about the experiences of those who went on to have more, i'm glad we did! As much as i wanted another, I'm lucky in that i have no demands on me to conceive a sibling. Our financial situation is already teetering on the edge of a knife so on this one i have to follow my head, not my heart. It's difficult as i'm going thru peri menopausal madnessi! I'm m 47 and it's way too late now anyway.

Agree with @IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls..it's much easier to let yourself drown in negative self destructive thinking and not do anything to change the way you think and speak. It's amazing how clever the human brain is..you can teach it anything..think emotional intelligence. Sorry to swerve off topic there!