to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

Gonetoofarmaybe before the present point in history (and still today, by and large), mainly men and some childfree women have created those things you value. So doing the childrearing, according to your values, is simply doing the thankless, behind the scenes drudgery which allows the stuff of value to happen.

I didn’t think at all. I actually found having children fantastic.

I had four because I wanted four. Like I said I wouldn’t undo them. As I also said they have their hard ages and easier ages. I find newborns easy.

I don’t miss my highly paid job or the mental strain.

I found working in a corporate job for two decades also hard, this logic means I shouldn’t have done that for twenty years. But do you know what? I have built. My own five bed house AND own another house which I remortgaged to build the second house. So much like my kids, things can be hard yet worth it. I had no idea my third child had asd until i was 35 weeks pg with my fourth.having children is a risk, like having a perfect child who turns to drugs no?

I am extremely lucky to have planned and wanted my kids and my career. Again it’s a bit hypocritical that OP can say her regrets her choice but I can’t say I have found it it hard. I am a biology grad, so sorry but I’m no fuck wit. I would also have another tomorrow if I could. Would i find that hard? I don’t doubt it.

I love DS aged two. Which doesn’t mean that he’s not hard work. I don’t regret having him, he was very much planned. But don’t think we will be having another! DH is adamant we are only having one.

I think that before making any judgement on whether it was 'worth it' to have children or not, you need to wait ntil they are ate teens/left the nest.
Some people will not enjoy the baby stage for various reasons and others will. Some people will enjoy the baby stage only to end up on a nightmare situation with their teens.
To anyone who says 'I LOVE being a parent and have no regret' I would say 'Wait until they've left home' mainy beause parenting teens and babies is so different that it's unlikely that you will as happy and content with both phases in their life iyswim.

If you'd ask me when they were little, I would say it was extremely hard work. Now that they are teens, mine are a pleasure to be around. I'd love to spend my days wih them (except they'd rather spend their days doing something else but we still have really nice times together). I would have had no regret if I could hve just side stepped the baby to young child stage!

There is no discussion that having children has an impact and a major one. Just because you cant possibly split yourself and spend as much time as people wo dc on your career/business/specific hobby or volunteering means that you are not going to 'acheive' as much as them. Same with money and been able to buy a house etc...
I dont 'resent' the mobey side. I wish that I had been able to be more myself rather than mum, always. And I DO resent DH who has been able to do exactly that!

Our ‘purpose’ is to create new life to keep the human race going.
It might be boring, hard work, & unsatisfying for some, but those women have still contributed to keeping the world turning.

There are about 7 billion humans on the planet, double what there was only half a century ago. The human race isn't in danger of dying out. Actually, overpopulation is a greater threat to the future of the planet than the opposite.

Heynot, I would say the same. Having children of varying ages, I enjoy being mum to my teen. I don't have a favourite child but I definitely do enjoy my children as they get older and are less dependent on me (thought obviously, I still provide emotional, financial support etc.) It really isn't the same as trying to physically control a toddler and adhere to their needs - you are more or less on watch 24/7 and I would happily forward wind to them starting school.

@ItIsWhatItIsInnit you were saying how shit life is because "we have to work for 25 years just to own a small house!"

But you don't have to. I know that society pressures you to do that. But you have to stand up for yourself, and not be pressured.

You could rent for the rest of your life.
You could volunteer - teaching english to monks in Nepal for a year
You could volunteer in a buddhist monastery in the UK for a year - accomodation is free.
You could wild camp in Norway for a year (camping is very accepted there, and people go and do it for long times)
You could go and live in a kibbutz in Israel for three months.

Working, and getting a mortgage is seen as the 'norm' right now, and many people get pressured into doing it.

When there is actually - many other ways that you could live your life. You just have to be brave to step out of the 'norm' box. And if the norm box is boring you to tears, wouldn't it be good to explore other options.

Carabello

The mothers I know who found it hard made their lives hard.
They had so many rules and regulations and stressing over babies and children doing what babies and children do.

@Oliversmumsarmy hahahahahahahahah

Nope. Once again showing no empathy for anyone else's situation. If you have a child with SEND there are no rules or regulations, or they are very different. We really have to pick our battles with dd. So we don't stress about a wild varied diet, as long as she eats. She showers once a week, because anything more is too much. We don't put the same limits on screen time as she needs it to unwind.

I have 2 dc with SENs and regretting having children isn’t exclusive to those with children who need help with day to day tasks

The women I know who really regret having children have perfectly capable children.

"The joys of parenthood" are the Grandchildren. OP my children are 18-30something and at times i wish i was childless but as long as i could keep the DGC. Over the years i have truly wished to be childless or at times one particular child free. Dont feel bad about how you feel.

It all depends on what your values are .

If your values are work & travelling a child is not going to sit within that very easily.

My values are compassion, gratitude & growth.

My DC are amazing. I am so lucky to have them . From this thread it sounds as though there are many messed up attachments with their DCas a result of women wishing theyd not had their children.

As a mental health nurse i see these insecure attachments everyday , and they really do mess people up.

*It all depends on what your values are .

If your values are work & travelling a child is not going to sit within that very easily.

My values are compassion, gratitude & growth.*

How incredibly smug. Firstly, by no means all childfree women have 'values' which priorities work and travelling. Secondly, even if you priorities the above, that doesn't mean you can't be compassionate and kind. Reproducing is not an altruistic act. Arguably it's quite the opposite.

@Oliversmumsarmy lol

Really? If this was that simple as ‘not making your life hard’ I’m pretty sure many parents would chose to do just that.

I had PND followed by AND (and 2 dcs 20 months apart because .... I never received the support I asked for form my GP and HV so actually didn’t know I was ill. I thought it was me not being good enough instead :()
So yes the first two years were fucking hard. And I challenge you to say that it was ‘just because I made my life harder than it needed’.
Of course, this then had an impact on how much I enjoyed my dcs.

Ifonly Not sure if you meant to come across as quite so holier than thou and derogatory, but women without children can also value compassion, gratitude and growth, and have perhaps thought more carefully and with more imagination as to how to achieve this rather than turning to the default of creating a new human. Women who have children can also be deranged narcissistic cows who only have children for them to be a prop in their fantasy of their perfect selves.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls surely "work & traveling" aren't values If anything, they align to the "growth" and "gratitude" values you profess to own. I found your post quite judgmental - I'm not sure if you meant it that way.

@panticus in terms of "what do you value in life " yes work & travel are values .

Getting people to list their main 8 values and then choosing maybe the top 3 allows people to focus on what is important to them .

Its not a judgmental post , just a very practical & honest one .

One friend i know values work & travel- children dont fit into that picture so she is extremely happy.

I value family , growth & compassion... i enjoy my job but its not a priority because i value my family & health more , so i work part time .

We practice this a lot in therapy with people with good results , because a lot of people sleep walk through life expecting to be happy but not really thinking about what their top values are & how they can align to them.

I feel the same OP. Add to that the constant worry and financial burden. I live both my children but absolutely think I should only ever had one that I would be able to support emotionally and financially more while still looking after myself. I feel I don’t do anything for myself any more. There is zero balance and I feel old long before I should be feeling old.

@IcedPurple no not smug at all.

Just honest with being happy at my choices - im always curious as to when women call each smug for being openly happy .

We dont tend to celebrate when other women have made the right choices for them.

It's certainly not a criticism about other women .

Mindset is really important in being happy though - in being a creator in your own life , not a victim . We all fall into victim mode as default but its really empowering when you identify your own victim behaviours in life ( poor me , i dont know why i bother , life is hard /shit etc ) and move towards being a creator of positive things in your life .

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls you sound like you've swallowed too many self help books.

I value my health, unfortunately I have to pay my mortgage so I can't afford to just choose the hours I want to work. In fact my health would be greatly improved by part time, but my employer won't give me the hours I need. And there aren't millions of other jobs out there.

What is your magical solution to that?

I love my 3 year old and I absolutely do not regret a single day having her. She’s amazing.

I will not, however, have another. I have seen how family members struggle with multiple children, and worse, a child with autism. If I had a child with any additional needs, this is a decision I know I would regret.