to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

Parenthood is very unique in the sense that you can regret it but you can never walk away because you love them so much. Anything else you do in life, if you are unhappy or not enjoying it, you can walk away.

I think you are very brave to say it, and I wish more people who felt that way would.

I have a friend who deeply regrets her one child. Said within weeks after having him she knew she shouldn't have, nothing but a "what the fuck have I done?" reaction. She told HV, GP, all put it down to post natal depression/anxiety. It wasn't. 5 years later she's still pretending to her family that she's trying for a second baby. She's not, she just doesn't feel like she can tell them she hates being a mum. Loves her son, hates motherhood.

We need everyone to be honest. For the sake of all future women who may make a decision they regret based on the happy edited version of motherhood where we all glow and cook organic food daily and thrive on artwork that looks like nothing,oblivious to the fact we haven't slept in years.

I don't regret mine. I'd have them 10x over. But I will definitely be telling them both how hard it really is so they can make informed decisions when their time comes to decide if they will have kids.

I do see that children with extra needs are a different kettle of fish and I don't think anyone can prepare

@FabLaura What has babysitting got to do with the reality of the relentlessness of child-rearing?

@motherheroic I think it does give a glimpse. The fact parents have asked you for a break or they can't do what they need to because of the children. Depending upon age, you would get a crumb of how expensive they can be, energy level, what to actually do with them, wHat your house will be like, your clothes getting trashed etc

I hope you don't mind me coming in on this thread. I am child-free.

These threads are so incredibly important for women like me in helping us to make fully-informed decisions about whether or not to have children. Outside of MN I don't see honest accounts of this kind of regret and I think women are lulled into a false sense of parenthood as something (mostly) wonderful.

I really do appreciate these kinds of threads in absolutely reinforcing my gut feeling that having children is not right for me and not a direction I want to take my life.

My DM was always very, very honest with me about how hard parenthood is and I'll be forever grateful to her for that. She never made myself or my DB felt like we weren't loved or wanted, she was just very clear about the realities of being a mum.

DH and I are childfree by choice and I'm grateful that having DC wasn't something that we sort of fell into, because I would be a terrible mother. It's definitely not for everyone and you can't just give them back, or opt out of it once they are here.

I have 2 kids. Twins. I think hindsight is a wonderful thing. My husband and I had such an easy life compared to now. Our twins are toddlers and it limits our life somewhat. We can't just go out on the weekend and do what we like etc. We have less money to spend on ourselves etc.

I believe the universe always works in our favour and we have been given the twins for a reason. It was meant to happen because it is happening .

There are times where it is so hard. But I look at what I have gained personally and they have made my life 100% better. They are separate people and have their own lives to live but in terms of me - I 100% appreciate my free time now. I have a huge to do list now whereas before I was drifting through life being sad and pathetic most of the time.

I have also learned to take care of myself first and foremost. Most people say kids come first but the opposite is true. You look after yourself and your kids will flourish.

Take care op. I have felt like you have and I do when things get hard but it is usually because I need to tweak something in my life. Do you need more time off? Could you make space for yourself? Are you needlessly blaming other people for something you need to do yourself?

My kids are grown and my nest is semi empty. I am so grateful that social media wasn't about when they were young. I see posts of perfect lives, staged houses and untruths - people are showing you what they want you to see, it's often not the reality of the day to day grind.

I will say, that time flies. It's something you don't realise till you get to the stage I'm at now. Them being babies and toddlers, honestly feels like yesterday.

You need respite.
go to work put them In nursery get an au pair etc
Use childcare at weekends.get onto social.services for access to short breaks for child with autism.
Consider giving them up for adoption..why would you not?presumably something keeps.you keeping them ? You could separate from their dad if dad is there and have them part time.
Above you might say ridiculous options but by looking at why you dont do them it might give you more acceptance? there are options...if you keep them with you there is some reason for you to do that. But you can get more help and support and more respite. They will get older. You should have more respite options for child with autism .
But yeh. It s a hard slog...but they will grow up

My two DC are 30 and 28 and I love them to pieces and always have. But, by goodness, there was over a decade when I was working full time teaching, looking after the pair of them and with the DH out 12 hours a day when I thought I would literally drop down and die of stress and exhaustion.

However, I had a really bad time this morning at the doc's when a new, stroppy 12 year old GP refused to give me a prescription for my HRT and my darling daughter, who phoned me soon afterwards, was so kind, clever and helpful I blessed the ground she walked on. The dear girl had also taken time out to see a chap she knows in a firm to see if she could help get her soon-to-be redundant brother an interview or an internship.

A Euro Lottery win wouldn't be this good. Hang on in there, OP, it gets better.

Apologies for my bluntness but did no one have experience of children before for example babysitting regularly or for a decent amount of time?

I've worked with kids (and very challenging kids at that) my whole adult life. I thought that was sufficient preparation for Motherhood, and it has probably helped in lots of ways, but it's in no way the same as having your own DC. As with Babysitting, you can go home and switch off afterwards. There's no 'switching off' from Parenthood.

If you actually read the responses on this thread properly it's not the act of looking after DC (which is the only thing Babysitting gives you experience of) that most people are struggling with, it's the relentlessness and endless repetition of Parenthood. It's the 24/7 nature of the responsibility. And yes, of course that's something you think about before having kids but just because you've thought about it, doesn't necessarily mean you'll know exactly how you feel when the time comes. Then factor in unplanned and unpredictable things like PND, traumatic births and/or birth injuries, SEN, marital or financial problems, work pressures...most people don't anticipate or plan for those things when they're young and thinking about starting a family but they can happen to anyone and can massively impact on how you feel about parenting.

I'd had all mine before I discovered that I like teenagers far more than I like babies.

And I like adults who live in their own homes and text or call me occasionally and meet up for a meal and a chat even more.

You've got them before you realise how hard it is and that's the problem. There's no real way of gradually working up to parenthood.

I had a job with challenging kids too. Made me appreciate being a parent. Nothing was as difficult as that crappy job.

I think this is a really brave thing to say, and it's OK. Normal, even. The only caveat would be don't - as my mum did - say it to your actual children. However much I can understand how my mum feels, the emotional part of me finds it hard to accept. But yeah, kudos to you for being honest. It sounds really hard, and feelings aren't wrong or right.

I have one DS with suspected autism, he's 3. I adore him but if I had my time again I wouldn't have kids. Me and dh had a great life before, plenty of money, holidays, my body wasn't completely buggered, sleep.

But it's the worry about my son's additional needs that's the hardest and I can't possibly do it again with another child.

You're not alone OP.

@DrBendix why would you make a huge life decision based on a Mumsnet thread of strangers? Don't have kids if you don't want but taking this thread as evidence you are right is a bit bizarre.

@yoursworried Clearly I'm not making a massive life decision based on MN threads [confusion]

My point is that I've always been disinclined towards having children but society places huge pressure on women to do it anyway. There are very few places apart from MN where women share honest perspectives about what having children is like. Hearing those voices and experiences is useful for all women including those who are child-free and after narratives about what motherhood is really like.

Love my DD but fuck me, i had no idea how much a child would blight my opportunities and earning power! Unless things go my way soon, i feel like the system is stacked against me and i cannot provide properly for her even tho ive always been hard working and financially responsible :( i believed the lie of equality, had i known i would not have had children no. I think i could have a fulfilling life without them, i have no idea why i felt i needed them.

I felt like that a lot when my younger 2 were 2&4 . The youngest was diagnosed with asd just after his second birthday. The older one probably is too. Nether of them slept.

It's much easier now they are 8 & 6 but I feel like I'm wishing the years away at times

My older two are 24 and 16 . I often wonder what I was thinking starting again. The small age gap is probably the hardest thing for me

Well, that and autism

DrBendix, I really admire your clear thinking and courage of your convictions. I wish I had realised the same, but I did 'what was expected' and can't turn the clock back now. I'll be a parent for the rest of my life. It is such an immense responsibility.

I’ve got a 14 month old and am struggling with the transition of being back at work and juggling working mum life. I think this thread is brave. Even before I got pregnant we said we will probably only have one child, because we acknowledge the colossal impact that tiny human has on absolutely everything and the sheer relentlessness of it all. I can’t say I’ll never change my mind about having another child but one of my NCT friends recently told me she’s expecting her second and I felt physically sick for her - just couldn’t imagine it!

I have always thought that loads of women must secretly feel like this. I always worried I'd feel the same which is why I've decided to stay child-free. I don't mention it IRL though because people always try and persuade you to go ahead and do it I find (I'm not sure why, I guess because it's the expected norm, same as getting married etc.).

I like spending time with my children in small doses, 3-4 hours is fine but find all day every day hard.