to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

I love all 3 of my DC but sometimes I look at my eldest, and I wish it was just me and her still

But the majority of me wishing that is due to my own MH being so fucking poor, and not something I could have predicted, and something that would be far easier with just 1DC.

A friend of mine recently had her first DC. She never wanted DC. DH of 10 years badgered her relentlessly, as did both sets of parents. She is beyond miserable, I am scared for her and I wouldn’t be surprised if she left them both.

Hi guys. I am 35, childfree, travelling the world right now.

The grass is always greener.

I am not happy either, I am totally alone, no husband, no children.

And while I choose not to have children.

Being single is not a bed of roses either. I am sad and lonely many times

I’m surprised so many mothers feel this way. I have two (one with potential additional needs and one that doesn’t sleep so not easy children!) and the days can be long and hard but are worth it for me and I don’t regret it at all. In fact it is the best thing I’ve done (also the hardest). I wonder if the difference is because I have family who help out when I need?

@Herewegoagain56

Possibly. Even when I was close to being hospitalised with my MH, mine were nowhere to be found, despite desperate pleas.

But if I’d managed to commit suicide, I imagine they’d be telling a different story.

It's an interesting subject. I never wanted children and then got pregnant, unplanned, unprepared but married and stable. We decided to crack on with it and then have another one. I absolutely hated the baby and toddler years. I regretted everything, felt that I should never have had them, that I was a crap parent, all those things. Looked for validation online for how awful I was feeling about it but no-one ever talked about it.

Fast forward a mere 5 years and I mostly love it. I am amazed that we have this amazing, nuclear family and that we all love each other, that the kids are the most incredible thing that I ever didn't decide to do.

Hang in there OP - it does honestly get massively easier once they start school. Really it does.

Don't come back to me in 3 years when they hit the teens - I'm damn sure I'll be hating it again

Oh and stay off social media - comparison is absolutely the thief of joy.

I'm not a natural parent. I really have to work at it.

I left my ex when my DD was 4 and luckily I'm financially sound. I really struggled in the baby and toddler years. Especially working full time with a sleep hating baby.
Now DD is 6.5 and mostly it's fun even though she's strong willed and stubborn. But equally I know it helps that because 3 nights a week I get me time when she goes to her dads.

I'd never ever do it again. On the odd dates I do go on I bring it up pretty much straight away. No point getting involved with someone and liking them to find they have a desire for children of their own.

Me and DD are happy and sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don't. I love her to pieces and can't imagine my life without her. But no way would I do it again with another one.

I think how you feel depends whereabouts you are in your life. I had my first child at 23, much wanted, long term relationship etc (been together 5 years). It was a massive shock to me how horrendous newborns are, how demanding, the lack of sleep, felt like my life was over. Was diagnosed with pnd but actually I just thought the whole thing was shit. Went back to work full time when dd was 3 months old and then left her dad (awful but another story) when she was 6 months old. Felt like I wanted my life back.

Had my second child in my late 30s. Different experience altogether. Enjoyed every minute, even the shit newborn stage. I think the combination of knowing it would pass and that it was only a small part of being a parent as a whole got me through - and by then dd was an older child who I now have a wonderful bond with.

It can be very shit. Especially when they are so little. But they do get bigger and become lovelier.

If you are suffering, they are too.

With all due respect, that is utter bollocks.

OP: 4 and 2 is hard - I think that was the absolute hardest time for me, it honestly gets better. Mine are both at school now, can dress themselves, wash themselves, brush their own teeth and hair, clean themselvs up after going to the loo - it's amazing! They can also entertain themselves, so we get far more downtime. I think it's better to be honest about how you feel, get it out, and then grit your teeth and head back into the fray.

Eh, motherhood is bloody hard. It's almost like once you've done it, you're destined to never be perfectly content again - either you're with them and it's hard work, or you're away from them and missing them/feeling guilty, or they're older and you're feeling like you didn't appreciate them enough when they were younger, and then they're teenagers and that's pretty shite, or they're adults and they're gone and you miss them.

@Celebelly I agree with you. As soon as you've had your first it's 'when are you going to have your second then?' And if you say i don't know if I ever want another one' people get so touchy about it!! 'Of course you do, you have to! And make sure you do it soon so there isn't too much of an age gap.' I can't count the amount of people who have said this to me!

I really wasn't expecting replies to be so supportive. It's both reassuring and depressing to know I'm not alone.

As for knowing what I was getting into... I expected sleepless nights for weeks/months. Not years. For me the lack of sleep is literally ruining my life. I can almost feel my brain cells dying. I'm slow, dull, miserable. I barely shower as I go to bed when my youngest does to maximise sleep time. So if I am awake I am with my kids. As a solitary, introvert type of person never being alone, even in bed is hard.

I realise things change, and I'm grateful that it won't be like this forever. But everyone seems to be enjoying this stage a whole lot more than I do. It makes me feel that I'm doing it wrong.

@Areyoufree it is not bollocks.

Children know if their mother regrets having them. They KNOW.

How many threads are there on mumsnet , with women talking about their own mother's , saying how they regretted having children, and how it ruined their whole lives.

There are threads on this every week.

I understand finding it really hard (though I can't possibly understand how hard it is to have an autistic child) but I don't get people wanting to wish their children away altogether or going back to the life they had before. Even in absolutely the hardest moments losing my children in any circumstances would create an unhealable wound in my heart.

The great unsaid is regret over DC with disabilities.

The only person who's had the decency to say anything in public is Baroness Hale, now the Supreme Court top judge, who's always battled for more disability rights for both parents and DC.

She said something like 'people just don't know how awful raising a child with disabilities is'. She definitely used the word 'awful'.

I was really grateful for the honesty and the acknowledgment. Everyone loves their DC, no one loves illness and disability. Especially when their medical problem takes you down with it.

I suspect parents who want to be more honest - and they do - feel like they'll be misinterpreted if they complain, hence the wall of sllence. That feeds into stigma, making everything even harder.

Saying that, I also send you support OP.

There are so many women on mumsnet saying that their mothers were cruel to them, didn't love them - and ruined their lives

AND

There are so many women on here saying that they think that motherhood is incredibly difficult.

So what does this tell us - society is not giving enough help to mothers. They shouldn't have to raise them alone.

Is there any help that you can get? Any groups that you can join op?

As a solitary, introvert type of person never being alone, even in bed is hard

I'm absolutely convinced that introverts find parenting harder than extroverts do. I've heard people with large families saying they love a busy noisy house...I'm an introvert and need a lot of peace and quiet.

I regret having children. But more for their sake than my own.

I had so much deeply buried unresolved childhood baggage when I had DD and she has not had the mother she deserved because having her triggered an avalanche of buried feelings that meant I was emotionally absent and unavailable to her.

I found looking after her so hard whilst at the same time trying to deal with my own issues.

If I could turn back the clock and not have her I would because she deserves so much more than I have ever been able to give her.

@angell84 That doesn't make it true in every case. Just because you are struggling, does not mean that your children will be aware of it. Everything depends on individual circumstances. I don't disagree that having a parent who doesn't care is extremely damaging (I know this), but I do disagree that feeling that things are more difficult that you expected, and thinking you would had made a different decision had you know will have a detrimental effect on your children. Parenting is hard enough without having to worry about that.

My little lad is 4 and I do love him but... if I could go back and stop myself, I would.

I've said this on here once before (possibly under another name) and was told I had PND. I don't. I just wish I hadn't done this to myself or to my poor innocent little boy, who deserves a mummy who enjoys being one.

I remember when I had my first kid, I would walk around the streets of New York with tears streaming down my face, wishing for my old life back (honestly that makes me cry just typing it out).

I was so sad, it was so hard, and I hated my husband. I didn't know how to get through the days.

I really feel for you. You'll get through it and perversely, your next sadness will be missing these days. Ha. Like I said, to be a mother is to never be perfectly content.

Even in absolutely the hardest moments losing my children in any circumstances would create an unhealable wound in my heart

No one wishes to lose their children...even mothers who say they regret having their DC would feel exactly the same as you do.

I'm looking forward to my DC getting older because I'd like to be able to have a job. I'd like to be able to go for dinner with my oh. I'd like a childfree holiday. I don't for a moment want to lose my dc...it would kill me.

@areyoufree I agree. And I am going to back out of this, because I don't have children, and what do I know about how hard it is, really.

I will clarify what I meant,

A mother struggling and worrying is normal is fine.

A mother telling her children that she regrets having them, and being cruel to them - is different.