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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I really regret having kids

618 replies

SoFuckingTired · 29/10/2019 08:09

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

OP posts:
1Bobbinwinder · 29/10/2019 10:49

YANBU.

Sometimes parenting is the "good" kind of hard, and other times it is absolutely shit. Sounds like there are some other factors at play for you which must make it even more challenging. Keep talking if it helps.

Lizzie0869 · 29/10/2019 11:01

I went through infertility and the adoption process. I now have 2 DDs of 10 and 7, and I love them both to pieces. But at the same time, it's been so tough at times. DD1 has massive attachment difficulties and has other SEN. She used to lash out at me physically, stamping on my foot and once tried to hit me with a rounders bat. She'll throw whatever is to hand.

It's so hard to speak up and say that sometimes I've thought that if I'd really understood how hard it would be, I wouldn't have gone through all I did, especially when I fought so hard to adopt my DDs.

But at the same time, it has become easier now, as they're becoming more independent and it's so much more rewarding.

The preschool year can be draining, but it really will get easier, particularly once they've started school. Smile

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/10/2019 11:06

YANBU. I have moments when I think "if I had my time again I'd do it all differently" but then I also have moments when I look at the DC and my heart feels so full of love, the thought of being without them is just unbearable. I love them both dearly but I really struggle with the loss of freedom, the relentlessness and the constant worry that comes with Parenting. I know that if I had stayed child-free my life would definitely have been easier and less stressful. But I don't know if it would have been happier necessarily. Maybe it's just human nature to want what we haven't got.

PookieDo · 29/10/2019 11:09

Part of the problem is that you can’t moan about your children freely isn’t it.

It’s not very socially acceptable. If I post on here venting that my teenage DC are still in bed, haven’t done their chores, are generally in an unhelpful mood and are annoying me I will get a pile on that it’s my fault, my parenting is rubbish, I need to whip them into shape, I need to realise it’s just being a teenager blah blah blah. So what? It’s ok to say kids are very annoying. My DD1 has behavioural problems and when she was a small child I had no one I could talk to to say ‘oh my god I just can’t stand her today’ as people would make you feel like a bad parent

Often society just will make you feel worse for the kind of parent you are, not just acknowledge it’s just simply HARD

formerbabe · 29/10/2019 11:09

I have two under two and just this morning I was saying to myself “17 and a half years to go

I don't regret my dc but I'm secretly quite happy at every birthday they have as I'm one year closer to getting my freedom back. I don't understand the mums who post teary fb statuses about how devastated they are their children are growing up. I couldn't be more thrilled!

ethelfleda · 29/10/2019 11:11

Very brave OP.
I love my DS so much, but I don’t love being a mum all that much. I miss sleep, I miss time to be selfish.
He is only 2 and I’m definitely not having any more. I’m usually honest with people when they ask what it’s like. It’s not for everyone! And it doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m a good mother but I have to work very hard at it. Whereas DH is a natural father.

GhoulieBat · 29/10/2019 11:13

The thing is if I hadn't had kids, I'd be sad because I always felt I wanted them. I would probably not appreciate the freedoms and money I'd have as much as I should - I'd feel I was missing out. It's a paradox.

What I really wish I could have is to have kids without having to be so tied down and constantly keeping on top of a million things. Like what my ex has Hmm. I think a lot of the stress and exhaustion women endure, and the associated regrets, is because women do way more than their fair share and lose out much more financially when they have DC, than men do.

PookieDo · 29/10/2019 11:13

@formerbabe

It is actually emotional when they do get there, it is scary because you realise they really will not be there in your care anymore. It’s bitter sweet. Wait and see!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/10/2019 11:16

I’m a good mother but I have to work very hard at it. Whereas DH is a natural father.

This is me too. Although DH works longer hours than I do so is out of the house a lot more. Sometimes I think maybe the only reason he's more of a 'natural' parent is because he only has to parent in small doses.

SilverOtter · 29/10/2019 11:19

I think you're very brave to admit feeling like this❤️

While I adore my boys and wouldn't actually undo having them, I would bloody LOVE a break from being a parent occasionally if such a thing were possible.

My sister split up with her son's father when he was a baby 13 years ago. She never had any more, and ever since then she has had every single weekend to herself while he's at his dad's. I've always been secretly very jealousBlush

hungrywalrus · 29/10/2019 11:31

I wish someone else could just take them for a day. I underestimated how much having another child would tilt the balance. My younger one isn’t sleeping well at all (7 months and teething) and the older one is starting to act out with jealously (3 years old). After being woken up every hour last night, I just don’t have the patience to deal with any tantrums. My husband wants to have 3 kids. He can have three with his next wife.

sayanythingelse · 29/10/2019 11:32

YANBU. Despite issues with infertility, I was still never sure I wanted kids in the back of my mind. It was DH that did. Thankfully I adore DD even if parenting doesn't come very naturally to me.

However, I'm guessing my mum was in a similar position to you. My DB has ASD and I knew she didn't like me very much as she would always tell us! I lost count of the amount of times she said " I wish I'd never had you kids" and "you ruined my life". You are not unreasonable in your feelings but please don't express it in front of your kids. I'm 32 and it still makes me feel like crap sometimes.

Ginsty · 29/10/2019 11:42

It doesn't end for those who have children that can never be independent. It's bloody hard then just gets harder because you don't have your youth on your side to cope with it 😔

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 29/10/2019 12:10

I'm so nervous to type this, but I've always been very ambivalent about children... but my fiance is absolutely desperate for them.

Truth be told, as it stands now I think I will only end up having them because he wants them. I love him with all my heart. I like some children, but generally I find them annoying!!

I don't doubt that I won't love my children, but it has never been my life's goal. It frightens me that having children is what society expects me to do.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 29/10/2019 12:12

That was meant to say I don't doubt I WILL love my children Blush

managedmis · 29/10/2019 12:17

Your posts resonates, pookie

You simply can't moan at all in RL! On here is the only place I really whinge

managedmis · 29/10/2019 12:19

What gets me is how many people in close circles encourage you to have (more) kids - but then never offer to babysit!

'oh go on, have another'

Another sandwich? Another beer?

No, another kid!

Confused
thecatsthecats · 29/10/2019 12:21

People ask why childless women are on Mumsnet, and it always hits home to me that if it weren't for Mumsnet, I may already have a child.

Because this forum is a really honest and down to earth place about parenting. My friends and sisters who have kids are very gushy about the experience. (My sister does love being a mum, but said that any upset or discomfort she feels with being a parent feels disloyal to her son).

DH and I are in flux on the matter. DH was more keen on babies before he saw our friends become parents, and felt like it wasn't right for us now. That's as far as either of us have gone - we've always said kids were part of the plan, but always been open to each other about how we're currently feeling.

We've got to a place of definitely either one or twins - no multiple pregnancies (I come from a twinny family), and I don't think it's impossible that we'd end up never feeling the urge enough to go for it.

ToothlessIsMyPet · 29/10/2019 12:21

I feel exactly the same OP, knowing what I know now, if I had my time again, I wouldn’t have any kids.

I’m on my own, I hate that I’ll never be free of an emotionally abusive ex because I have a child with him.

I have one child with a serious medical condition which will only get worse & one child who is incredibly needy & reliant on me.

I spend my time with them counting down the days to when they go to their Dad’s - it’s shit & it makes me feel like shit that I can’t be a better Mum for them or feel the way that others do.

yoursworried · 29/10/2019 12:24

I disagree that it is brave to say this. I don't know what's brave about it.
Of course its okay - you can't help how you feel and as long as you are acting lovingly towards them and meeting their needs then you can feel whatever you like.
2 & 4 is difficult, not much of the fun stuff has started yet. I enjoyed my children more and more when they started school, began reading , drawing , understanding jokes etc . It is a bit of a wait but i think in most cases it gets better as sleep deprivation wears off and they start being more able in a variety of areas.
I respect how you feel but I disagree that it's brave and needs saying on here - it's hardly a rarity to say it these days anyway.

FabLaura · 29/10/2019 12:24

I find this thread very sad. Apologies for my bluntness but did no one have experience of children before for example babysitting regularly or for a decent amount of time? Maybe I was lucky? I knew long before children equal no money, no sleep, annoying at times, limit when/ where you go on holiday.

Celebelly · 29/10/2019 12:25

Knowing things and experiencing them are two completely different things!

motherheroic · 29/10/2019 12:26

@FabLaura Babysitting does not prepare you for motherhood. Let's be real.

StartsAtTheMeadow · 29/10/2019 12:28

I don't regret mine as such, but it's not what I imagined. Mostly because my eldest has some additional needs which mean family don't want to look after him for more than an hour or so and he really struggles with making/keeping friends, and his aggressive behaviour (due to those additional needs) towards peers when younger (he's now 7 and much improved) means he and I are very unpopular and isolated. He also struggles academically. I think having DC with extra needs can be a totally different experience to having DC without, and very lonely even as you get into the primary years.

FabLaura · 29/10/2019 12:32

Please don't think I'm being argumentative. It's hard to get things over via text. I agree short bursts without the long tiredness is different but when committing to a permanent life changing decision you would surely think 'did I enjoy this enough to do it when mega tired?'