I agree hindsight is a wonderful thing. I was desperate to start a family with DH, we were early 30s, had done our 'living' in our 20s, lots of holidays etc. We'd bought a lovely family home and were ready. We were the last of our friends to have children and it always looked not easy, but a nice life.
I don't regret my children. I adore them. But I find it harder than any of my peers have. Much, much harder even though I have two and several of my friends have three or four.
I had easy pregnancies but a truly
awful first birth. First baby was very high needs, had silent reflux, screamed constantly and also had additional medical issues which made her first 18m so so tough. I was made to feel neurotic and 'pfb' when I reality and hindsight I was actually being responsive to her needs - which were greater than the needs of babies of other people around me.
I became a SAHM out of choice with DH in happy agreement thinking I had the option to change my mind. In reality, I'd love to change my mind and return to work but as it turns out first baby (now 3 and a half) also has ASD and can't cope with even the 15 free hours of childcare we get for her let alone anything more. There's no way I could put her in full time childcare and I also feel like I owe the same time to my second child who is actually when she's not cutting teeth (argh!) a delight.
We had a second baby because we had a brief respite with first baby before we knew she has ASD when she seemed to be growing up and becoming much easier. Second baby is a breeze in comparison to the first, but obviously needs a lot of care and attention (now 14m). I'm stuck trying to juggle two children at home on my own as DH is out at work 7-7 Mon-Fri and I don't recognise my life or myself. I feel like a husk of a person. My eldest DD's social difficulties mean I can't even have a friend round for coffee and it be enjoyable. DH and I are both constantly exhausted, irritable and struggle to find the time or inclination to do anything just the two of us. I am fortunate that I have wonderful retired ILs who babysit for me if I really need a break. Sometimes I just go out in my car with a thermos coffee and my kindle for two hours just to get out of my house and away from my life for a bit. I crave time on my own.
I know it'll become easier once they're at school and I feel guilty for wishing time away. I also know some women would kill to have what I have and I feel horrible about that too.
A (childfree) family member recently had to re-home a pet who they'd had as rescue for three years, had spent huge amounts of painstaking time and money training and caring for. They found that the animal was affecting their life in a wholly negative way, they couldn't go out anywhere with it or without it and enjoy themselves because of how it behaved, they couldn't go on holiday, they found themselves feeling completely trapped by it. They rehomed after a lot of heartache and are back to their normal happy lives. I was having a conversation with them about it the other day and about our lives too and they jokingly said 'god you life sounds so bloody hard at the moment. At least we could send pet back!'
Yes, I thought. You could.
Would I turn back time and not have them? No, my heart aches at the thought of it. But I wish I'd have known what I know now before and my lowered my expectations.
I also think most people think 'ooh I want to have a baby!'. And then realise that these babies grow into children, then teenagers etc and 'having a baby' is really just the very start.