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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 27/10/2019 14:42

I don't think anyone is going to tell you that you are much too selfish and immature to be a mother.

Honestly - if you're 38, pregnant and not feeling any desire to have kids, I think you know your answer. And the sooner you do it the better.

Flowers Good luck x

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 14:44

I think it's impossible for anyone to give you any real guidance because only you can make this decision, and you should do what's best for you.

The only thing I will say is that how you feel about other people's children is completely different in how you feel about your own. There is no comparison. I have 2 adult children and adore them, always have, but I am happy to stay far away from kids that aren't mine.

Also, I don't think you're selfish at all. I wish you all the best.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 14:44

Don’t have a child you don’t want. Good luck.

MoseShrute · 27/10/2019 14:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 14:47

It's your call, none of us can tell you if it's the right decision but you won't be judged either way. The dr is right to think for a week - it could be your only chance, however kids are a choice, nothing wrong with being child free

CAG12 · 27/10/2019 14:48

If you dont want a child, dont have one

Fairylea · 27/10/2019 14:48

I think if you’re wobbling about it then you’ll regret it if you do terminate.

Soubriquet · 27/10/2019 14:48

If you don’t want a baby, have a termination.

It’s as simple as that.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t want

BeatriceTheBeast · 27/10/2019 14:49

You don't have to have a child you don't really want. Nobody should judge you for it at all.

Life with children is very hard and you don't get a second to yourself when they're tiny. If you aren't sure you want one, then I think it would be even harder Flowers.

GleamInYourEyes · 27/10/2019 14:50

Having children is the hardest, most relentless, expensive and stressful thing you will ever do. I have three that I love, but seriously unless you are absolutely sure you want one, then don't!

jpclarke · 27/10/2019 14:52

Basing your feelings on other people's kids will not give you the answer you are looking. You will feel completely different about your own, but obviously it is your choice. It could be fate telling you something, maybe have some counselling sessions before you decide one way or another as you will have to live with what ever choice you make.

SnorkMaiden81 · 27/10/2019 14:54

Hey op, I'm 38 and would feel exactly the same as you. I've had all the same thoughts.

I don't have any advice as such, but your post resonated with me.

Quitedrab · 27/10/2019 14:56

What a big decision.

Having a child really messes up your life.
How you feel about other children has nothing to do with how you feel about your own.
You sound sensitive and sensible and so would probably be an excellent mother.
People get abortions all the time. I don't think it's anything to be scared of, and probably a lot easier than giving birth would be.
Also, because of being an older, first time mother it would be a high risk pregnancy.

Personally, I think go for it. It's not fate telling you anything, but children are a joy.

StinkGhoul · 27/10/2019 14:56

I think if you’re wobbling about it then you’ll regret it if you do terminate.

The opposite could also be true.

I would definitely not have children unless I was 100% sure I wanted them.

MissMarks · 27/10/2019 14:57

I am not particularly fussed on other people’s children but love my own and they the best thing I have ever done. I wouldn’t base you decision on a dislike of children.

rainingallday · 27/10/2019 14:57

@IonnaS

If you are unsure, then DON'T have a termination.

I am not bashing termination, and I know women have them for a myriad of(valid) reasons. But you don't sound sure.

All the best. Flowers I'm sure you will not regret it if you keep it, and will be a brilliant mother!

Beesandcheese · 27/10/2019 15:00

A lot of people having a D&C procedure are already parents and a lot are in their 30's.
Only you can decide.

MangoFeverDream · 27/10/2019 15:01

The only thing I will say is that how you feel about other people's children is completely different in how you feel about your own

Yep. I had not a good thing to say about children until I had my own. No maternal instinct whatsoever (probably took a couple of months after the birth to really fall in love).

All that to say, you should base your decision on other factors. Financials and career importance are among them.

Hagbeth · 27/10/2019 15:02

Before I had children I also worried about this. It’s not the same thing as with other children. Your own baby is a miracle and you’ll be so surprised how beautiful she/he is compared to other babies. You’ll probably feel a bit sorry for the other parents! Grin

SciFiScream · 27/10/2019 15:02

It's entirely up to you what you decide and I will support your choice.

I love my children. I've also had a termination. I don't regret either the children or the termination. I was 100% sure though each time. You lack this surety. Is there any counselling available??

Children are wonderful but demand time, money, energy, love, attention.

Your life will be very different if you don't have a termination

Your life will change very little if you do

I wish you peace to make your decision. It is an important one.

PumpkinP · 27/10/2019 15:03

I wouldn’t terminate but obviously only you can make the decision. I don’t like kids but love my own. Even now I have 4 still not a fan of other people’s except my own

Leflic · 27/10/2019 15:04

This is one of those things you need to trust your gut on.
There’s no right answer.
Don’t base your decision on things in the future. No one knows what will happen there. Just how do you really feel about a baby now?
I know it’s tricky. I aborted one, misscarried one and kept one. All of them have turned out to be the right thing for me.

The most useful advice was “if you leave it long enough the decision us made for you”

People also seem to forget that the newborn, the toddler, the pre schooler and all the other things are stages that last a few years. In 15 years time if not sooner you’ll be where you are now really in terms of freedom.

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 15:09

If you're not interested in having a child then don't have one.

Reallybadidea · 27/10/2019 15:10

I honestly think that regretting having a child would be so much worse than regretting not having one iyswim. And it's OK not to want children.

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 15:11

People can make it out like you could regret not having kids. Equally, how many parents regret deep down not continuing to lead a life where you're free and fulfilled in other areas?