Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
Pharlapwasthebest · 27/10/2019 15:58

Op, I didn’t like other people’s kids, but I love my own.
However if you don’t want to have a baby then do what feels right for you.

Echobelly · 27/10/2019 15:58

Sounds to me like you don't want children essentially, and that's fine. By 38 and in a relationship with someone with kids, I think you know your own mind by now and are not likely to regret not having kids.

Pharlapwasthebest · 27/10/2019 16:00

@TheMustressMhor
I agree, mine have never come to the toilet with me either, I don’t get it.

VenusTiger · 27/10/2019 16:03

OP I hope you really think hard about this.

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

Most parents think this OP ^ we love our own kids, not others. Babies are cute, but other people’s kids are annoying, so imo that’s pretty normal Grin

Confusedbeetle · 27/10/2019 16:03

Instaed of asking on here, how about some professional counselling that will help you sort out in your head exactly what you are feeling. This is the wrong place to ask

VenusTiger · 27/10/2019 16:05

Also, again imo, I think there’s a big reason why you walked away from the drs to think this through.

ChocolateTeapot1 · 27/10/2019 16:07

If you are wobbling I wouldn't terminate personally given your age, but I can only say what I would do. I don't know what your circumstances or lifestyle are like. Good luck whatever you decide.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 16:09

I don't think the age of the OP is a factor, as many women have children at 38. My brother was born when my mum was 37 and she did not feel old at all.

It’s not about feeling old, it’s about having your child free life being put on hold until you’re in your 50s. Some women prioritise children, whereas others prefer a long career and more freedom. Neither is wrong so the OP has to decide.

Daisy7654 · 27/10/2019 16:12

Everyone doubts their ability to be a good mother while pregnant with their first child, it's natural. You'll be fine and its a wonderful adventure. Please don't base how you feel about other people's children on how you'll feel about you own.

Leflic · 27/10/2019 16:12

I’ve said my piece but this, from a later poster is pretty accurate;

People are saying you shouldn’t consider having it unless you’re 100%. I think it’s the other way round though. You shouldn’t consider a termination unless you’re 100%

JinglingHellsBells · 27/10/2019 16:14

Why would anyone's life be 'on hold' by having a child at 38 any more than at 28 or 42? You still live your life !

Most women these days have a mix of motherhood and work. I doubt many 50 yr olds want to go out clubbing and doing what they did at 20! What exactly are your kids stopping you doing? You sound resentful.

hovatn · 27/10/2019 16:15

What does your DP say about this?
Obviously it's your body and your decision but what he has to say could inform your decision
Eg. if he's totally against having the baby and unsupportive then you'd need to consider the fact you would be bringing the baby up on your own should you choose to keep it.
If DP says he will support you whatever you choose then that's a different situation.

I do think you need some non-directional counselling before making your final decision. You do seem quite undecided to me. I think the doctor was wrong to put pressure on you by saying "this could be your last chance to have a child". They really shouldn't be saying things like that.

You say you embarrassed and scared about the abortion. Is this what is putting you off? I can understand you being scared (I'm scared of all medical procedures) but I am sure the staff would put you at ease should you decide you want a termination. There's no need to be embarrassed - so many women go through this. No one needs to know about it and the clinic staff are dealing with thousands of women every year and are not judging anyone.

I hope you are able to make the right decision for you.

Baguetteaboutit · 27/10/2019 16:17

You are always going to get people with an agenda on threads like this.

I have three kids. I think it is a wonderful adventure and thank fuck for that because the amount of invisible labour in raising a child is absolutely phenomenal and relentless. In your situation, I'd abort.

ThisIsSamhain · 27/10/2019 16:19

I cnat stand othe r people's kids. I really can't.

I love my own, of course.

What a hard decision.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 27/10/2019 16:19

Talk to your partner. He might have some perspective since he knows you really well and he already has kids so presumably knows what it's like to have kids. :)
Sorry, there's no right or wrong answer. Some people don't want kids. Other people do. It's hard to know which you are until you have them, but at that point you can't give them back.

Mrsmadevans · 27/10/2019 16:20

I don't see how this might be your last chance to have a baby OP that is scaremongering . I doubt if anyone can advise you but scaremongering you into keeping this baby is not the answer.

Noti23 · 27/10/2019 16:20

A baby is one thing. Very hard work but over in a few years. Ask yourself whether having an adult child would be of any value to you in future? It depends on what type of lifestyle you want. I think it’s silly of people to tell you to ignore the future and concentrate on now when this will have a massive impact on your long-term future.

Perhaps ask for advice from your dp since he already has kids and knows how it will change your life?

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:20

Thank you all for being so kind. The range of perspectives is a bit like a projection of all the thoughts in my head! Honestly I don't know what my gut thinks but just discovered some pink discharge (sorry sorry) and it's very light and probably just irritation but my heart went "thank Christ" so that's probably given me the right answer.

For now, really hope 45 yr old me is as sanguine.

Thanks for giving me some space and not calling me an irresponsible idiot.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 27/10/2019 16:21

You are always going to get people with an agenda on threads like this.
I'd abort

So your agenda is clear!

OP please tell your partner. He has a right to know if he is a long term partner. If you abort and he doesn't know but then finds out he may be very hurt and angry.

It is your choice at the end of the day but if you are in a relationship and having sex a baby is always a possibility. You need to discuss this together as well as having your own counselling.

If he knew, would it be the end of the relationship if you wanted to keep it?

Nettleskeins · 27/10/2019 16:22

People don't feel particularily excited and happy at 9 weeks pregnant. Nature usually gives you ambivalent feelings at that stage because miscarriage is so common. The glowing feeling can kick in later.
I felt very depressed at that stage. And very different but still ambivalent later on in the pregnancy.
And incredibly happy when I had the baby.
I had twins at 38 and one earlier at 36.

JinglingHellsBells · 27/10/2019 16:22

Are you going to tell your partner one way or the other if you miscarry?

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:23

(I will probably see a different doctor, though, this one was a stupid choice as she deals with all aspects of fertility and probably thinks I'm a complete wretch).

DP loves his kids but he definitely leaves his ex to do the heavy lifting.

OP posts:
Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:26

I am not sure, jingle. I don't want to keep a secret but I think it's easier to bear things alone if you can than burden someone you love.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 27/10/2019 16:28

We all feel too selfish and immature to be proper parents, please don't imagine that the parents you see out there are much good at it. Most of us are trying our best and doing a moderately imperfect job.
In the end most people have babies because they are selfish. Babies are actually more fun than you might think, rather like dogs, people have them because they are a joy to have around not because they have to take them for two walks a day and deal with whining barking smelly nightmares...A very particular joy not really understood until you have a dog/baby/teenager/grownup child that never stops changing

millimollimandi · 27/10/2019 16:30

Why is everything either 'have it or terminate it'? there is a third option - you can have it and give it up for adoption. That way you can keep your options open until you have given birth. The only issue you may have is explaining that to family/friends. How does your DP feel, now it has actually happened? Or do they not have a say?

Swipe left for the next trending thread