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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
StoutDrinker2019 · 27/10/2019 16:32

You didn't want a child, you got accidentally pregnant, you are in an amazing and fortunate position to have the choice not to have the child. A child is for life and they are hard enough when you really really want one!! They honestly change your entire life even if you do have the financial means. Be prepared to give up your old life for a totally new one. It may not be better, it certainly will be different!

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 16:32

What exactly are your kids stopping you doing? You sound resentful.

Wow! That’s a humongous leap! In absolutely no way resentful. Just realistic. You sound like a forced birther.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:35

One of the things that scares me a lot is the potential for permanent physical damage (the mesh scandal is looming large in my mind right now) so I haven't thought about adoption as a real solution tbh. I respect people who do that, don't get me wrong, it's just not something I can imagine.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 27/10/2019 16:36

If you have the child you will absolutely not regret it. Whereas I think if you terminate there is a chance that you might. PP is correct in that having your own child is totally incomparable to dealing with other children.

It is a toughie though. You will come to the right decision.

JinglingHellsBells · 27/10/2019 16:36

Wow! That’s a humongous leap! In absolutely no way resentful. Just realistic. You sound like a forced birther

. I have no idea what a ' forced birther' is but it sounds offensive, so do stop being so. If you mean I was made to have children, that's complete nonsense.

You have made the point about kids stopping you living your life until your 50s (and having a career) when in fact there are mothers running FTSE 100 companies, so if you put your life on hold that's your choice, no one else's.

Sorry OP this is not helpful but you have had some very negative comments from women who feel their hands are tied by having children.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 16:38

Permanent physical damage? In what way? Our bodies are made for carrying and delivering babies.

JinglingHellsBells · 27/10/2019 16:40

OP the physical changes through childbirth are real, but at the same time they in themselves are not a reason to stay childless. If you were at risk, you could have an elective Cs.

I am uncomfortable with how you are not willing to involve your partner in this and not being open here about how may react. If your relationship is not sound, or open and honest, it's another factor to consider if you were going to bring a child into it.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:40

I know, aqua, I just have friends who have had bad experiences. I know we all end up spiralling downwards, kids or not, it's just part of what I fear I could end up resenting/what might make me a bad mother.

OP posts:
Illberidingshotgun · 27/10/2019 16:40

I think your reaction on seeing the pink discharge is very telling, OP. if there was even a twinge of disappointment or sadness at the thought of that the pregnancy could end (and I'm not suggesting that this is an indication that you are about to mc) then you should think carefully about all the options, but if you just felt relief, then it sounds like deep down you don't want to continue with the pregnancy.

BarbaraStrozzi · 27/10/2019 16:41

This is one of those situations where only you can decide.

By all means use us as a sounding board, by all means do so in the knowledge that many (most) of us will be pro choice and support you in whatever you decide to do.

But we can't tell you what to do.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 16:42

Probably true re my partner. I love him a lot but I am pretty sure his answer will be you must keep it (even though he wouldn't actually really want it... I know that sounds weird, ugh my whole life is a joke shop).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 16:42

I'll add my opinion of motherhood to the mix... Of course it changes things, but for me it was all positive. My children are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I loved it when they were babies and I love it now that they're adults. I loved looking at the world through their eyes when they were little. It was the best time of my entire life, but now is great, too! I'm still mum but they take care of themselves!

Frazzled2207 · 27/10/2019 16:45

Obviously it's your decision but you do need to speak to your partner about this IMO.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 16:45

Sorry OP this is not helpful but you have had some very negative comments from women who feel their hands are tied by having children.

Don’t be so ignorant and stop putting words in my mouth. I adore my child and you seem very keen to guilt the OP into having a child that she’ll have to do soul care for. That’s a forced birther. She may be prepared to do that, but she needs to be sure. Would you rather we all gushed about how bloody wonderful and inspirational being a mother is? It’s a mixture of things, but it comes with a lot of sacrifices. SOME mother have wonderful careers, but others end up with their career put on hold. Only the OP knows which is likely to happen to her. She’s already said that her husband won’t be doing the practical parenting, so she needs to decide if she wants to do it.

Sagradafamiliar · 27/10/2019 16:46

Well cut your partner out of it as if he's a crap dad to his other kids, he won't change. That's him. Doesn't sound very appealing tbh but that's not what you asked.
Kids: I can't stand other people's kids. I make the right noises but I only like my own. Always gone to the bathroom alone, I don't subscribe to all that 'slummy mummy' stuff.
Body worries: you could consider a c-section.
All it boils down to is if you want a child though. If you really don't, then don't.

Butterisbest · 27/10/2019 16:47

I have no real advice but following others, I'll say that only you can make this choice.
I wish you well, whatever you decide to do Flowers

Mjlp · 27/10/2019 16:47

Don't have a termination unless you're 100% certain. The fact you're unsure may suggest you want the baby deep down. Having your own children is different from other people's . I don't think this is necessarily your last chance though. I had a baby at 39 and I'm pregnant now age 42, plus my mum had me when she was 45. Having said that, obviously some people struggle to conceive. I think you're got 3 options: have a termination, keep the baby or have the baby & give motherhood a go and if you find it's not for you, give the baby up for adoption.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 16:50

Btw, JinglingHellsBells I have my own successful business, but not every mother is lucky enough to have a hands on husband. Have a look at the relationship boards.

Sorry, OP. I don’t want to derail your thread further, so I’ll bow out now. I hope you make the best decision for YOU, either way. Good luck for the future. 💐

Mjlp · 27/10/2019 16:55

Just noticed your update about permenant damage. I really wouldn't worry about that. I've had 5 children, pregnant with my 6th and I have no permenant damage. I even had a third degree tear with one of them, which is pretty bad, but I have no permenant damage. They stitched me up after I'd given birth at midnight and I went home just before lunch. Didn't even tear at all with one after that!

AlkaSeltz · 27/10/2019 16:57

@rainingallday If you are unsure, then DON'T have a termination. I am not bashing termination, and I know women have them for a myriad of(valid) reasons. But you don't sound sure. All the best. flowers I'm sure you will not regret it if you keep it, and will be a brilliant mother!

Sorry; this is utter bollocks.

OP, this random person on the internet has literally no basis whatsoever to say that they are 'sure you will not regret it' or that 'you will be a brilliant mother'

Only someone speaking from an ideological anti-abortion viewpoint would make such nonsensical claims.

None of us know you, and none of us are clairvoyant. No one has any idea what decision you should make, what you will regret more, or whether or not you should become a mother.

Only you can decide. There is no right or wrong answer. There are two mutually exclusive paths. You decide which one you want to follow.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/10/2019 17:02

You probably have the resources to adopt several large dogs too, that doesn't mean you have to do it.

Being fatalistic about having a child is a bad idea. If you've never wanted a child it's probably going to be a mistake having one, it's a choice that will dominate the next 20+ years of your life, and most of your time and money.

On the other hand, you might give birth and fall in love with your own child (your own child is always more special than anyone else's) and decide it was the best thing that ever happened to you. There's no way of knowing. The best bet is to follow your instincts.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 17:03

I feel panicked about the thought of having a child. I wish I had some sort of biological instinct to guide me but I just don't. Zilch. I love the thought of having a child I love but what if I didn't. My mother in law insists that family is the most important thing but honestly I've always found more solace in work and friends.

But I'm worried I'll freak out when my parents die.

Sorry, this stream of consciousness is just annoying.

The people who have said it's not necessarily my last chance have made me feel calmer, thank you x

OP posts:
Stephminx · 27/10/2019 17:03

Children are amazing but such hard work - it’s the best thing I ever did, but my advice to anyone would always be to only have them if you really want them otherwise it’s too much.

Nettleskeins · 27/10/2019 17:04

I have a friend who had one child and permanent damage after forceps delivery. She had a horrible partner too. She is now happily remarried, And her grownup child is the light of her life. tbh her only regret is that she didn't ignore people's advice to "never have another as it will destroy your health". She bitterly bitterly regrets not having had more, even if it had been with the horrible partner.
But there is absolutely no reason to think you will have permanent damage. I didn't, and most people don't. Even after two C sections and twins.

Mummyshark2019 · 27/10/2019 17:04

Having a child was the best thing I have ever done. He's the love of my life. But no one can tell you what you need to do. You need to think about it carefully and make up your own mind. It's tough when they are small but the phases move fast and as they become more self sufficient, obviously so much easier.