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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 14:34

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg I think this is one subject where it's particularly hard to find non-judgemental advice because a lot of people will want you to join their 'tribe' because at some level it validates their own life choices, and whether or not to have children is one of the most fundamental choices there is. But ultimately it's your life and you have to make the decision for yourself and your circumstances.

Sorry, I disagree completely with this. I've had children and I've also had a termination (and a miscarriage). I am one of the people telling the OP it's OK not to go ahead with the pregnancy. What she does, or doesn't, do will not 'validate my life choices' in any way. That's a weird and wrong perspective.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 28/10/2019 14:50

AlkaSeltz which is why I said "a lot of..." not "everyone". You're obviously not one of the people I'm referring to (and for the removal of doubt, I did not have any particular poster or posters in mind - it's something I've encountered in many situations, online and IRL).

Sceptre86 · 28/10/2019 14:50

I like babies, always have, always wanted them. I do not care much for other peoples toddlers or teens, a lot are noisy, rude and entitled. I love my own toddlers and hope that continues to adulthood. Being a parent involves sacrifice and I would not go ahead unless you are 100% keen. My body has changed, my longterm health has been impacted as has my career but that is all ok as I wanted them and wouldn't be without my two.

You can't reverse the decision. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, it doesn't make you any more or less female. Go with your gut x

AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 15:03

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg That's not my experience - I don't just mean me personally. i mean that my friends, family, women I know, seem perfectly able to separate their own choices from others'.

This idea that all parents are desperate for other people to also have children seems to me to be a myth invented on places like 'r/childfree'.

Conversely, the idea that women who don't personally want children are all advocates of other women having terminations.

I just don't believe that most women are so self-centred that they are unable to understand the difference between what's right for them, and what's right for someone else.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 15:05

I agree with Fartniss actually:

whenever anyone says your have to be 100% about having children’ I think about DS and everything I would have missed if I took that advice.

I wasn’t 100% sold at all, I’d never wanted kids. I don’t like babies full stop.

If everyone had to be 100% far fewer children would get born.

Original poster
IonnaS · 28/10/2019 15:07

I just wanted to let you all know I saw a different doctor who was as lovely as a TV doctor. He said it's a very early pregnancy not a big deal I will look after you and it will be fine.

I am so relieved. Thanks all for being good people.

OP posts:
gwackywacky · 28/10/2019 15:22

Glad to hear you are in safe hands OP and that you are feeling relief. Flowers

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 15:40

It’s all very well for a man to say it’s not a big deal, who’s never and can never be in this position. It is a very big deal whichever way you look at it.

Bufferingkisses · 28/10/2019 15:46

Glad to hear you are being cared for op Flowers

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 28/10/2019 16:23

I wouldn't have said nine weeks is very early pregnancy.

I hope your as ok as can be OP

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2019 16:35

I wouldn't have said nine weeks is very early pregnancy
well, she wasn't asking you thank goodness, she saw a dr!

OP when he said he would look after you, is this about continuing with it or a termination?

AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 16:38

@TatianaLarina If everyone had to be 100% far fewer children would get born.

And this would be a problem because...?

It’s all very well for a man to say it’s not a big deal, who’s never and can never be in this position. It is a very big deal whichever way you look at it.

At this point you sound like an anti-abortion activist trying to make the OP feel guilty & terrified about something that many, many women have gone through, and that many of us will say was not a 'very big deal' and was not traumatic or to be regretted.

What are you trying to do exactly?

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 16:56
Confused

I’m rampantly pro-choice and have had a termination myself.

And this would be a problem because...?

Why would it be a problem?

I’m amused at being accused of being pro-life for highlighting the patronising paternalism in the dr’s remark. Effectively . The choice between a baby or an abortion is always a big deal. If it wasn’t the OP wouldn’t have made this thread.

You’re reading in stuff that simply isn’t there.

AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 17:19

@TatianaLarina If you're 'rampantly pro choice' why are you pushing this narrative that an abortion is always a TERRIBLY BIG DEAL and a TERRIBLE DECISION TO HAVE TO MAKE?

It's not. I've had one. I'm bloody glad I did. It was far, far, far less of a big deal than having a baby.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 17:37

I said that choosing between a baby and an abortion is a big deal. Finding yourself pregnant is a big deal.

If you want to argue with an invented narrative I suggest you do elsewhere.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 28/10/2019 17:41

I’m glad you feel more supported by this doctor OP.

AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 17:48

@TatianaLarina for lots of women it's not a big deal at all.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 17:58

It is a big deal for the OP, hence the thread.

Pandainmyporridge · 28/10/2019 18:13

OP stop letting whatever the latest doctor you see says make your mind up for you! You seem to swing views depending on what someone else says to you. It's within yourself you need to look to make the decision.

BigFatLiar · 28/10/2019 18:25

OP stop letting whatever the latest doctor you see says make your mind up for you! You seem to swing views depending on what someone else says to you. It's within yourself you need to look to make the decision.

And don't be swayed by MumsNet advice we're just a bunch of nosy busybodies truth be told.

AlkaSeltz · 28/10/2019 18:37

@TatianaLarina That is NOT what you said. You said:

The choice between a baby or an abortion is always a big deal.

Not 'for the OP', not for you, but 'always'.

And you're wrong. It isn't. And I've only ever known anti-abortion activists to say otherwise.

Bufferingkisses · 28/10/2019 18:52

Surely right here is not the place for an argument on these points? The op is here for support during a very difficult time in their life.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 19:01

I think perhaps you haven’t understood: if you get pregnant and you know you don’t want it, having an abortion may not be a difficult choice to make. It wasn’t for me.

If you don’t know what you want, and are deciding between keeping the baby and having an abortion - really considering what it would be like to have it - that is always a difficult choice to make.

I strongly suggest if you want to pick a fight with a pro-lifer and mess up a thread on a sensitive issue, you have the wit to pick it with someone who is actually pro-life.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 19:05

Surely right here is not the place for an argument on these points? The op is here for support during a very difficult time in their life.

I entirely agree. It’s completely the wrong place.

ClownsandCowboys · 28/10/2019 19:19

I have two dc (one with SEN) and although I love the bones of them, I deeply regret having children. It wasn't really for me, I dot enjoy it and I feel trapped by it.