To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

So true gwacky! Although I know ultimately that having children was what I really wanted and I love being a parent, I do occasionally think "oh yeah, I remember when we went on holiday, down the pub, out for dinner etc without having to pre book a babysitter". I don't see why a childless person occasionally thinking "having a family looks lovely" is any worse than someone with children thinking "being child free looks nice". It's perfectly possible to make the right choice for you and still sometimes think the grass looks greener. It doesn't mean you made the wrong choice.

It was inappropriate for your doctor to say that. Please consider getting some non-directional counseling. No one can tell you what to do.

Do you know who the father is op? Would he be supportive? I think you’re wobbling because you want it. People are saying you shouldn’t consider having it unless you’re 100%. I think it’s the other way round though. You shouldn’t consider a termination unless you’re 100%.

I’m all for termination in the appropriate circumstances. But you don’t sound at all sure OP.

At the very least I think you need more counselling to explore your feelings.

I have a good friend who never liked kids and absolutely did not want a child. Surprise pregnancy at a similar age. Had a lot of angst and counselling. She has her own business, didn’t want to change her life. Absolutely loves her child.

I don’t like children either - noisy, boring, annoying. But I like all the ones related to me (including nephews and nieces).

What was your gut reaction when you found out OP?

No advice other than to say please dont be embarrassed or scared about having a termination. It's a brave and sensible thing to do if the alternative is to have a child you dont want. Good luck

There are no perfect answers when it comes to terminating a pregnancy. None. Don’t wait for the perfect answer to come to you.

You will have regrets, no decision is black and white.

Think about the regrets you will have if you continue -how will having a pregnancy and later a child now adversely affect your life.

Think about the regrets you will have if you terminate.

Decide which regrets you can live with, rather than which decision is best.

You could also try a cost/benefit analysis. Make a list of the pros and cons of going ahead, pros and cons of terminating. BUT, and this is crucial, give each thing a value as to how much they matter to you. Forcing yourself to give a numerical value really focussed the mind. E.g. someone who has a million reasons to terminate but fundamentally cannot tolerate the idea, and this is 100% important to them, isn’t really going to cope with having a termination even if this is the only “con”. Similarly if you think of a hundred pros to proceeding but they are all like 10% important to you while you fundamentally prefer the idea of a child-free life as the only con, you might feel it makes more sense to terminate.

Try to make a decision within a short time scale e.g. 2 weeks. Because the longer you wait, the more complicated it is to weight it all up as you start to bring feelings about a late termination into it.

Sympathies OP, I know someone in your position who really struggled. They’d never wanted children but also being around 40 there was that doubt of “last chance”. She swithered for ages because of that and had the latest legal termination in the end, which undoubtedly made it all the more traumatic.

Good luck with making the decision OP.

FWIW I’m with the disliking other people’s children but loving your own brigade, and I would also say that while the days are sometimes painfully long, the years pass quickly and you really do start to regain your freedom and independence gradually as they hit school and by then the wonder of watching this person who is part of you grow can be pretty great.

Ok you have three choices. 1 have abortion, 2 adopt, 3 have baby. All have proes and cons, only you can make the decision which is right for you.

I was in exactly the same situation as you except I was 34. Partner said it was this one or none because he was getting the snip.

I decided not to terminate. It has been hard (lack of partner support, no grandparents around) but I don't regret my decision.

You need to listen to what your gut is telling you.

I had a termination a few months ago OP, I already had two young children and knowing what it's like I just couldn't bear to go through it again, even though I always wanted DC and always said I wanted three... the reality of children can be a big shock. It's really, really tough for a lot of people. Such a tough decision

Was this a casual thing or are you in a relationship? If in a relationship then what will your partner think? It's your decision but if he realises you've had determination and he wanted a child it may not be good for the future of your relationship.

I think u should speak to someone first this first , you don't want to terminate and then regret it .

Having a child is all-consuming. It will change your life dramatically. I personally, find being a parent worth the changes in life. I needed to go down this particular at path. It is not for everyone. Don’t have a child just because society says you should. There are many different ways to have a fulfilling life. Only you can choose which type of life you want to have.

Sorry termination not determination

You’re going to be 54 by the time your child is 16, so you’ll still have to plan holidays, nights out, etc around them. How do you feel about that. I’m 51 and have to plan everything around an adult child with SN. She’s an absolute darling and relatively easy to look after, but I still have to put her needs first.

What age will your husband be? What’s your relationship like and do you think it will survive the exhaustion of a new baby? Does he want a baby? Who is going to take on the emotional load, school runs, shopping, etc? Do you want to take a step back in your career and are you willing to have it affect some opportunities for promotion?

I don’t expect you to answer, OP, just suggesting some of the questions you need to think about. At the end of the day, the decision is entirely yours and no one can tell what the future is going to be. Good luck either way.

I think you need strip away the years of socialisation, the voice of your doctor etc and try to connect with your gut. Whatever it tells you, do that.

I had a pregnancy scare last year. I always thought I probably didn’t want children but was always of the ‘never say never’ brigade - when I was actually faced with the prospect of carrying a pregnancy I shocked myself with how terribly sad I felt, and this overwhelming feeling that, if I had a child, I’d be missing out on so many things that I want to do with my life.

It's your decision but if he realises you've had determination and he wanted a child it may not be good for the future of your relationship.
If he’s the kind of man that would insist his wife carries an unwanted child to birth, then that’s not the kind of man the OP needs to be with. He should be supporting her decision, as she’s going to be the one affected the most. Yes, even if he’s not happy with that.

@VulcanRay Its so nice to hear this rarely expressed reaction/feeling

I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

Well I've had four DC and have always gone to the toilet alone. I have never understood women who say that they can't.

Seriously though - your feelings towards children in general are not a reflection on what your feelings towards your own child would be. Really not a good comparison.

I think most parents would say that they love their own children but can take other people's with a pinch of salt.

It has to be your decision at the end of the day. But don't base this decision on your feelings towards the children you see out and about.

I really feel for you OP and no you aren't immature.

For me, one of the key questions is ...what is your partner's reaction? (Maybe they don't know?) Are you going to discuss? Do you live together and is this a permanent relationship as far as you can tell? Would they be supportive and want a child with you if you did?

Was this a contraception failure and would he too be horrified by a child or not?

I know that ultimately it is your choice BUT for some couples the enthusiasm of one for a child can make the other feel more positive.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to choose. We don't know enough about you and your set up to know how a child would affect your lifestyle, your work, your relationship. All these things are factors.

I had a friend who had a termination at your age as their marriage was under a lot of stress and the pregnancy was unplanned. Many years later they weren't sure if they had made the right decision.

I think whatever you choose you will never be sure 100% it was right- you will only know that with hindsight in the years ahead.

Speak to a counsellor in RL and in a practical sense, I'd have thought at 9 weeks you could have a medical termination not surgical.

@MrGsFancyNewVagina I don't think the age of the OP is a factor, as many women have children at 38. My brother was born when my mum was 37 and she did not feel old at all.

No advice OP as I just don't know, but I hope you are okay can BPAS offer advice? Only ever used them for contraception so unsure, although there was an independent pregnancy advice clinic held locally to me when I was pregnant that were really helpful to just talk to because I was worried about having a baby in general.

@PumpkinP I'm the same, other people's kids I'm really indifferent on but love my own DC!

I have children op. I would say having a baby will change your life. But in return you get a different one. It will open up different paths and people to you. I say don't act on impulse. Take a seat and think about everything. Absolutely everything.

There is nothing wrong with being ‘selfish’. If you don’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy, it is perfectly ok to end it. Look after yourself, OP

I am a true believer in gut feelings too.

What does your heart say.

Other people’s children are different. It is very different feeling.

I do know someone who felt like you . Divided on a termination, she never expected to feel the way she does but equally I am sure many people do have TV e termination and it feels right.